Bleats

Here’s Why Donald Trump Is Facing An Impeachment Probe

It's about time.

Folks, it’s happening. After years of Democrats and countless millions of Americans crying out for an impeachment probe into Donald Trump, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has finally pulled the trigger and launched an official impeachment inquiry into Combover Caligula.

Following a meeting with House Democrats, Pelosi formally announced the proceedings with short but pointed statement declaring that Trump’s attempts at strong-arming Ukraine into taking “actions which would benefit him politically” is a “betrayal of his oath of and betrayal of [America’s] national security and betrayal of the integrity of [America’s] elections” before stating that “no one is above the law.”

It’s about time, Nancy, and there’s no better time to dust off this little gem:

Okay, now that we’re finally into impeachment waters, what exactly will House Democrats ping Trump on with this probe?

After all, there’s a laundry list of things to nail the US Cheeto-in-Chief with ever since he moved into the White House, like the countless obstruction of justice charges, everything that went down in the Mueller Report, the Russia stuff, the egregious Emoluments Clause violations and the several felonies. Well not quite.

Based on reports and the messaging put out by House Democrats and Nancy Pelosi, the primary focus of this impeachment probe will be on the Trump/Ukraine/Biden saga.

This new season of Trump Administration Shenanigans kicked off when a whistleblower filed a formal complaint about some worrying communications between Trump and a foreign leader – later revealed to be Ukraine’s president Volodymyr Zelenskiy – which included a July 25 phone call.

Reports later revealed that Trump pressured Zelenskiy into making up digging up dirt on on Hunter Biden, son of his primary 2020 election challenger Joe Biden. Trump reportedly asked Zelenskiy eight times to investigate Hunter, who has business interests in Ukraine, or he would’ve made sure the country wouldn’t get the nearly $400 million in military aid Congress had approved.

So why is this bad enough to warrant impeachment? Well it’s illegal for a political campaign to accept gifts or something of “value” from a foreign government and Trump trying to coerce Ukraine into digging up dirt on Hunter Biden easily fits that bill.

Unsurprisingly, Trump denied everything before blurting it all out while at the UNGA and declared that he’ll approve the release of the transcript of the call he had with Zelenskiy to prove his “innocence.”

As for his response to this official impeachment probe from Nancy Pelosi and House Democrats, well he went on Twitter and did his usual mindless ranting thing:

Over the next year or so, we can expect official hearing after hearing as part of this impeachment probe into Trump, which definitely won’t make him happy.

So what about all the other illegal things Trump has done that warrants an impeachment investigation? Well it’s early days yet and it is possible that Democrats could introduce additional articles of impeachment later down the track.

But that’s getting too ahead of ourselves. The bottom line is Nancy Pelosi has finally announced a formal impeachment inquiry into Trump for his dealings with Ukraine and things are about to heat up really quickly. Best prepare the popcorn because this is going to be good.

Chris Pratt Somehow Fell Further Down The Best Chris List, Good On Him

Do yourself a favour and just stop talking, Chris (Pratt).

We here at GOAT don’t agree on too much but we’re all in agreement on one particular thing from now until the end of time: Chris Pratt occupies the bottom of the “Best Chris” list and will remain there indefinitely.

Sure he may have won hearts as Peter “Star-Lord” Quill in the Guardians of the Galaxy movies and… whoever he plays in those god awful Jurassic World films, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that he attends a Hillsong-eqsue church that’s not particularly accepting of LGBTQI+ folks.

Throw in his love of preaching like a second-rate youth pastor on late night talk shows and his tone-deaf response after being called out for his involvement in the aforementioned church, it’s not hard to see why Pratt is a bit of a, well, prat.

Clearly.

Well folks, just when you think Chris Pratt couldn’t sink any lower on the “Best Chris” list, he’s somehow figured out a way.

The former “Best Chris” ranking topper posted a poem he “found” onto Instagram that’s pretty questionable in its content because it’s all about “ding-dongs” on the left and right and how everyone should stay united under the veil of “God.”

Plus the poem is pretty crappy – Chernobyl is used as some metaphor for anger in politics for Pete’s sake – so Pratt’s taste in poetry also deserves scrutiny.

Perhaps Pratt is just trying to preach a message of unity and world peace but this poem probably isn’t the best way to do it.

The poem just shows how ignorant Pratt is of what’s going on in the world and how he doesn’t seem to understand how detrimental it is to give one side the benefit of the doubt when its clear they’re wrong.

If there’s one thing we don’t need in 2019, it’s someone like Pratt with a worrying amount of cultural clout sprouting more of this “both sides” bullcrap while preaching how God will save us all.

Since Chris Pratt has officially bottomed out even further on the “Best Chris” list, the only appropriate action to take is to distance him further from the top.

From henceforth, we hereby include Chris O’Dowd and Chris Lowell on the “Best Chris” list, and regulate Pratt from his previous ranking of fifth to rock bottom at seventh.

If You’re Trolling Greta Thunberg, Tell Us What The Hell Were You Doing At 16?

Definitely not leading the global climate change movement that's for sure.

In what might be one of the defining moments of 2019, Greta Thunberg turned up to the United Nations General Assembly and delivered a searing rebuke against the continued inaction to climate change from world leaders (and Donald Trump).

Greta not only accidentally warmed the earth by several degrees with her four-ish minute speech, she demonstrated why she’s the face of the climate change awareness movement by ripping into the politicians present at the United Nations General Assembly for having “stolen [her] dreams and [her] childhood with [the politicians’] empty words.”

“The eyes of all future generations are upon you. And if you choose to fail us I say we will never forgive you. We will not let you get away with this. Right here, right now is where we draw the line.”

Watch the entire thing here and try not to cry because no recap will do her speech justice.

Unsurprisingly, Greta’s impassioned speech has drawn out the trolls from their basements and they’ve taken it upon themselves to take her down a notch by publicly commenting on things like her appearance or condescendingly telling her to shut up and let the adults (not including Trump) do the talking.

Here’s a question to all the trolls: what the hell were you doing when you were 16?

Remember that Greta Thunberg is only 16 years old and yet she’s out there on the world stage trying her utmost best to sort out the mess all the supposed “responsible adults” in the world have caused rather than, you know, being the precocious little brat that trolls think she is.

Maybe before trolls start ragging on a teenager for trying to do some actual good, they should remember what they were like when they were 16. If anything, every troll was likely nothing more than the irritating little teenager they keep projecting onto Greta.

If looks could solve global warming, we’d be in the clear right now. (Credit: The Guardian)

So to all those trolls who are going after Greta Thunberg for trying to literally save the world, go back to your basements and come back when you’ve done something positive that’s even a small fraction of what this 16-year-old has done so far.

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