Video games are a staple of my life, so much so I’ve somehow managed to make a semi-career out of it. While there are countless games every year that become ranked amongst my all-time favourites, the series that will forever hold a spot in my heart is Super Mario.
So when adult performer Stormy Daniels compared the size of Donald Trump’s penis to Toad from Mario Kart and, well, my childhood literally just died due to disgust.
In her upcoming tell-all memoir titled Full Disclosure, Daniels describes – in horrific detail – her sexual encounter with Trump and it definitely isn’t for the weak of heart or stomach.
For those who are unaware, Daniels allegedly had an affair with Trump before he became POTUS and was paid about $180,000 just before the 2016 election to keep quiet about the whole thing.
If you really don’t want to know what Combover Caligua’s junk looks like, maybe scroll past this bit quickly because it gets gross.
We good? Alright.
Here’s how Daniels describes Trump’s wedding tackle and their sexual encounter:
He knows he has an unusual penis. It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…
I lay there, annoyed that I was getting f***ed by a guy with Yeti pubes and a d**k like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…
It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.
Excuse me while I go bleach my brain and wash my mouth out with soap.
Trump has yet to respond to this unflattering comparison, which is perhaps for best for everyone since there is a very real chance that he would’ve tweeted out a picture of his trouser snake in an attempt to defuse Daniels’ claims. Given how his ego was bruised enough at his inauguration the he got people to tweak the photos to show more people present than there actually were, we can’t definitively rule this out just yet.
But the most important part of this scandal is the defamation of character from Daniels.
I mean, Toad and his reputation does not deserve to be dragged through the dirt with Trump and his junk. He already suffered enough when he had to endure that scandal of whether that mushroom on his head is a hat or part of his anatomy (FYI, it’s his head).
This is just downright offensive to the character and justice needs to be served up on a cold platter, which is why I’m demanding an apology from Daniels to Toad.
I apologise to everyone for sullying the image of Toad with all the Trump stuff and I sincerely hope that we can move past this with Toad’s reputation intact and the POTUS’ ego severely shattered.