Bleats

Donald Trump's Penis Apparently Resembles Toad From Mario Kart According To Stormy Daniels, Which Is Offensive To Toad And I Demand An Apology

Welp, this gives a whole new perspective to the whole "Toad without his hat" thing.

Video games are a staple of my life, so much so I’ve somehow managed to make a semi-career out of it. While there are countless games every year that become ranked amongst my all-time favourites, the series that will forever hold a spot in my heart is Super Mario.

So when adult performer Stormy Daniels compared the size of Donald Trump’s penis to Toad from Mario Kart and, well, my childhood literally just died due to disgust.

In her upcoming tell-all memoir titled Full Disclosure, Daniels describes – in horrific detail – her sexual encounter with Trump and it definitely isn’t for the weak of heart or stomach.

For those who are unaware, Daniels allegedly had an affair with Trump before he became POTUS and was paid about $180,000 just before the 2016 election to keep quiet about the whole thing.

If you really don’t want to know what Combover Caligua’s junk looks like, maybe scroll past this bit quickly because it gets gross.

We good? Alright.

Here’s how Daniels describes Trump’s wedding tackle and their sexual encounter:

He knows he has an unusual penis. It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…

I lay there, annoyed that I was getting f***ed by a guy with Yeti pubes and a d**k like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…

It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.

Excuse me while I go bleach my brain and wash my mouth out with soap.

Trump has yet to respond to this unflattering comparison, which is perhaps for best for everyone since there is a very real chance that he would’ve tweeted out a picture of his trouser snake in an attempt to defuse Daniels’ claims. Given how his ego was bruised enough at his inauguration the he got people to tweak the photos to show more people present than there actually were, we can’t definitively rule this out just yet.

But the most important part of this scandal is the defamation of character from Daniels.

I mean, Toad and his reputation does not deserve to be dragged through the dirt with Trump and his junk. He already suffered enough when he had to endure that scandal of whether that mushroom on his head is a hat or part of his anatomy (FYI, it’s his head).

This is just downright offensive to the character and justice needs to be served up on a cold platter, which is why I’m demanding an apology from Daniels to Toad.

I apologise to everyone for sullying the image of Toad with all the Trump stuff and I sincerely hope that we can move past this with Toad’s reputation intact and the POTUS’ ego severely shattered.

Scott Morrison Says He Admires Donald Trump As A World Leader, So Please Stop The Boat We'd Like To Get Off Now

Not sure if rubbing shoulders with Trump will curry favour with anyone in Australia, Scott.

We’re only a few weeks into the Scott Morrison Prime Ministership and it’s already been something of a rollercoaster ride.

There was that throwing transgender kids under the bus thing, the being unable to explain why he’s PM thing, and most recently, that whole Fatman Scoop Twitter thing.

All of this actually reminds me of the hurricane of chaos that hit America when Donald Trump was sworn in as POTUS, something that’s not unlike Hurricane Florence currently smashing North and South Carolina.

Turns out there’s a simple explanation why all this Trump-like chaos seemed to have followed Morrison as soon as he became PM: he admires Trump as a world leader.

In a new piece from The New York Times’ Maureen Dowd, Morrison says he admires Trump as a leader who is “very practical” who isn’t going to “waste a day” in the office.

While he concedes that he is “rubbish” at golf and probably won’t be invited to play 18 holes with Trump anytime soon, Morrison says that he and the orange-faced POTUS share the same understanding about how some people have been “left behind” due to globalisation.

And that’s what we get. The president gets that. I get it.

No, Scott, you don’t get it at all.

It’s not a particularly reassuring sign when the leader of your country is brown-nosing the most divisive and downright moronic POTUS in history..

But maybe all is not lost for ol’ ScoMo.

Eagle-eyed folk have noticed that he was wearing an Australian flap lapel pin during a recent parliament session. However, he was wearing it upside down, which is an internationally recognised distress signal.

Perhaps he immediately realised that buddying up with Trump is akin to getting into a lion’s den while dressed in Lady Gaga’s meat dress and is desperately trying to extract himself from the hole he’s gotten in.

Or he probably just wore it upside down because he’s just not that on top of things, which in that case please let stop the boat right now because we’d like to get off.

There's An Honest-To-God Resistance Rising Up Inside The Trump White House Which Means US Politics Has Officially Jumped The Shark This Season

Now this is a plot twist I didn't see coming from the writers.

It goes without saying that the Trump White House and all of its associated buffoonery has been equal parts terrifying and entertaining. It’s like watching a bizarre version of House of Cards combined with SNL antics, except that these antics have had real-world consequences.

And like House of Cards, you just know there’s going to be some kind of plot twist soon, something that will make you go “well I didn’t see that coming”

Well folks, the latest twist to come out is so bizarre and ridiculous that you will probably get whiplash. That’s because there’s apparently an anti-Trump resistance movement brewing inside the White House.

In a crazy new op-ed published in The New York Times, an anonymous “senior official” from the Trump administration claims that they and many other White House senior officials are “working diligently from within” to try and appease their orange Commander-in-Chief’s agenda while trying to basically stonewall anything dumb or destructive Trump tries to do.

The anonymous pollie writes that this “resistance” group isn’t particularly fond of how Trump has wiped his butt with every kind of democratic norm in American and they intend on putting country first over their Republican party, which is a first since… ever.

Considering how backstabby this current iteration of the White House is, having a resistance group on the inside sounds incredibly awesome and romantic. But let’s not put these anti-Trump insiders on a pedestal just yet.

The anonymous pollie takes great pains to emphasise that they and the “resistance” are made up of conservative orthodox Republicans rather than progressive lefties. In fact, the pollie actually stands by some of Trump’s more questionable policies, like the big tax reform to benefit the rich, the stripping of regulations, and pouring money into the military rather than other areas that need the support.

Not particularly heartening to know that this “resistance” group is made up of people totally fine with removing children from their parents but will whip out the pitchforks when the law starts coming for their bank accounts.

All in all, it’s probably less of a heroic sacrifice from a group of chiseled, selfless pollies trying to save America, and more like a bunch of rich conservative folk who are worried that Trump will ruin the good thing they got going.

The piece definitely struck a chord with Combover Caligula, who responded with a terse yet well-mannered statement.

And by that I mean he took to Twitter and turned on all-caps.

Given the complete fustercluck that is the Trump Administration over the last year and a half (good grief has it only been that long), it’s probably a bit much to expect a knight in shining armour to come save America by destroying the enemy from the inside.

But hey, at least we know now know where the line is drawn for Republicans before they finally start pushing back against Trump.

This probably won’t have a happy ending, or even a bittersweet ending. But considering just how ridiculous this whole saga has been, I’d say the latest season of Trump’s White House has officially jumped the shark so who knows what other crazy shenanigans are in store next.

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