Serious Question: How Do You Steal Billions In Jewels From The World's Most Secure Museum?

The biggest art heist pulled off since, well, ever actually.

Folks, forget all those museum heists you’ve seen in Hollywood movies or read about in WWII history books because all those pale in comparison to the one that’s unfolded at Dresden’s Green Vault.

Police have confirmed (via The Guardian) that thieves managed to break into Dresden’s Green Vault – the largest collection of treasures in all of Europe – on the morning of November 25 and steal three sets of 18th century jewelery consisting of diamonds and rubies worth over a billion Euros (about $1.6 billion AUD).

Over. A. Billion. Euros.

Deemed the largest theft of any sort since World War II, the details of this Green Vault museum heist sounds like something taken from a, well, Hollywood movie.

At around 4am, thieves started a fire on the Augustus Bridge near the museum (via The Daily Beast), which knocked out a power box. This cut power to the museum and knocked out all its security systems, except for the CCTV.

From there, two thieves cut the iron bars around a window in order to break into the Green Vault’s Jewel Room. Unlike the smooth handiwork seen in cinematic museum heists, it is reported that the thieves gained access to the jewels by smashing the glass displays with an axe.

After getting their hands on 37 pieces of jewelery the two thieves exited the same window they came in but not before they replaced the iron bars in an attempt to delay detection.

The CCTV managed to spot the two men escaping, reportedly in a limo before swapping to an Audi A6, but the robbery wasn’t discovered until about 5am, by which time the thieves were long gone.

Despite police attempts at setting up roadblocks in an attempt to catch the thieves, authorities state that the close proximity of the autobahn likely helped the thieves escape due to the lack of speed limits.

While it is reported that the stolen jewels are worth well over a billion Euros, the director of Dresden’s state art collections, Marion Ackermann, says it’s impossible to put a number on the items as “it is impossible to sell” due to how recognisable they are.

But the more worrying thing about the stolen jewels isn’t that they’ll turn up at a flea market somewhere, it’s the fear that the jewelery may be altered, “broken up or melted down” in order to flog them without suspicion. Ackerman says “the material value doesn’t reflect the historical meaning.” The thieves are still at large at the time of writing.

Aaand scene. Whew.

Look, there’s no real way to sum up just how wild this museum heist is. All we can say is this – the inevitable Hollywood movie about this theft is going to be awesome.

Channing Tatum And His Ballsack On Canvas Is The Answer To Your Bland Decor

You know you need this in your house and life.

Let’s get this out of the way: Channing Tatum is a good looking man. He is so damn gorgeous you just want to hang some art of him on a wall and have that smouldering – and occasionally goofy – stare in your life forever.

Well good news, folks because you can legit to exactly that.

Artist Chris Mann – whose work is described as “charged with emotional resonance, rife with sensuality” – has decided to gift the world with an original painting of Channing Tatum. But it’s not just any portrait of the Magic Mike star.

It’s an oil-on-wood painting depicting Channing sitting a wearing nothing but a grey jumper that he’s tugging on suggestively with his right hand. His right leg is bent upwards to hide his modesty but he definitely got the angle wrong as his surprisingly clean-shaven ballsack is in full view.

It is a goddamn masterpiece for the ages and you need to feast your eyes on it right now:

Credit: Chris Mann/Ebay

I am the furthest from an art expert you’re going to get but having a half-naked Channing Tatum (and his scrotum) on a canvas in my room will more than offset the bland decor and win me brownie points with my arty mates.

If you want this gem of a painting then you better get onto Ebay quickly with a fat stack of money because it ain’t cheap. At the time of writing, the Channing painting is going for about $1,575USD (about $2,320AUD, not including the $35 for international shipping) and there’s less than three days left on the clock to lodge a bid.

Look at it this way: some bland decor will set you back around a few hundred but a portrait of half-nude Channing Tatum with his balls hanging out is priceless and getting it for $2-3k is a bargain.

Banksy’s Masterpiece Is This Painting That Literally Shreds Itself Immediately After Being Bought For Over $1 Million

It's quite literally the best thing he has ever done.

If we were to hazard a guess as to what kind of person Banksy is based solely on his instantly-recognisable street art and various art projects, we can probably deduce that he’s the type who cares about social and political issues, and has a dark yet clever sense of humour. After all, he did come up with Dismaland.

But based on his latest and greatest masterpiece, we can add a new description for Banksy: Troll.

The anonymous street artist’s famous 2006 work “Girl with a Balloon” was auctioned off last week at Sotheby’s for over $1 million. After it was sold, alarm bells started ringing from the piece and the painting started sliding down into a shredder built into the picture frame, tearing it into little strips.

The creator of this shredder picture frame? Banksy.

Banksy may be smug, cheesy, and trite most of the time, and not everyone sees eye to eye with his works, but there’s no denying that he produced an absolute masterpiece with this little shredder stunt.

Since this is “art”, we can interpret this little incident in so many ways. Is it a display of Banksy’s own negative feelings to the mainstream art market? Is he just sticking it to the man? Or perhaps “Girl with a Balloon” was actually incomplete this whole time and shredding it was the final step of its completion.

Whatever the reasons why Banksy did it, those in attendance were completely taken back, unsurprisingly. Sotheby’s European director of contemporary art Alex Branczik told the Art Newspaper that not only did everyone get “Banksy-ed”,  no one was “in on the ruse”, which makes the whole thing even more epic.

As for what happens now since the painting is more shredded than Chris Hemsworth in Thor, Sotheby’s released a statement saying that it is in discussion with the buyer about “next steps”. Presumably this could mean anything from sticky taping the whole thing back together to painting a replica and passing it off as the original.

I prefer to look at it this way: Instead of one big Banksy painting, you now have a heap of smaller Banksy paintings and that makes the whole thing even more valuable. Profit and capitalism for the win!

If all future art auctions feature a “self-destructing art” element to it like what Banksy just pulled off, these events have suddenly become way more interesting to non-arty folk such as myself.

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