Bleats

A Revised Ranking Of The Hollywood Chrises, For A Post-Pratt 2019

Sorry, Star-Lord.

If there’s one thing that handsome white men named Chris with successful superhero movie franchises have in common, it’s their handsomeness, and also their successful superhero movie franchises.

“And they’re all kinda scruffy and squinty and jacked, but in a sweet way”, as Kate McKinnon put it during Chris Pine’s SNL appearance in 2017.

But who is the best of the Hollywood Chrises?

Some people are too cowardly to choose:

But not us. Here, we present an updated ranking in this, the year of our lord 2019. And if there’s one thing we know, it’s who’s the worst.

 

(Yes, 5.) Chris Pratt

Look, where else are we going to put the 2019 version of the man we once loved as schlubby Andy Dwyer?

Yes, we thirsted after both his adorable, April-loving pre-Marvel Andy dad bod, and his newly ripped physique when those Guardians Of The Galaxy pics leaked. And we listened when he told us how to poop at a party, and mourned when he and Anna Faris split, admiring their gracious statement of mutual respect.

But now he’s talking like a youth pastor on late-night shows, and attending a Hillsong-inspired church that’s not quite kosher when it comes to accepting LGBTQ+ folks – and his response to Ellen Page’s criticism of his involvement left a lot to be desired.

Sorry, Star-Lord: you are now officially Worst Chris.

 

4: Chris Messina

He’s always been fine. Whether you got on the Messina Express after Julie & Julia, The Mindy Project, or opposite Amy Adams for the second time in Sharp Objects, the hotness was undeniable and real. And he can dance, for real.

Between his new role as a DC villain – Birds Of Prey’s Victor Szasz – and the bonkers-hot bleach job he’s got for it, Messina is now officially a Hollywood Chris.

Bad-guy roles will showcase the gruff, knife-edge energy that makes him the one Chris you probably wouldn’t take home to meet the parents. Only his newness to the list can keep him this low, and he won’t be for long.

 

3: Chris Hemsworth

Look, Our Chris can’t be ignored. He’s been a thirst machine since Home & Away, and Hollywood has slowly learned that he’s supposed to be a big puppy dog, not a hulking human deltoid. He was the second-best thing (second only to Kate McKinnon) about the last Ghostbusters movie, and the more the MCU leans into his evolving characterisation of Thor as an intergalactical goofball who happens to look like a pirate had a baby with an angel.

His energy is a teensy bit Byron-Bay basic-beach, and with the launch of his new workout program, though, we’ve had confirmation that he’s totally the type of dude who’d have “fitness” as an actual interest listed on his Tinder profile.

But hey, at least he’s funny.

2: Chris Evans

Oh, Cap. Evans has been living up to the ideals of his most famous character for years – his Twitter presence is an amazing mix of adorable photos of his dog, self-roasts, calling out racism and lies from politicians, more self-roasts, and passionate advocacy for social justice causes.

And he is glorious to look at, whether it’s baby Evans from Fantastic Four/Not Another Teen Movie era or Captain America Chris.

Unfortunately, though, he is a fan of the New England Patriots. And for that, he loses crucial points.

 

1: Chris Pine

Get yourself a Chris who can do everything. Duet with Barbra Streisand? Done. Piercing baby blues? Totally. Full-frontal nudity in a historical epic? Sure thing. Thoughtful reflection on gender double standards around onscreen nudity? Got it that too.

Totally down to play love-interest second fiddle in a female-driven superhero movie instead of gunning for his own comic book franchise? On it.

Super-weird, meta Christmas carol for the Into The Spider-Verse soundtrack?

Also willing to sing about how he’s not all those other Chrises?

Chris Pine. Best Chris. No contest.

Chronic Plot Spoiler Tom Holland Has Already Shared A Huge Detail From Avengers: Endgame

Spoiler-Man! Spoiler-Man! Spoils whatever plot points he can!

Tom Holland is the biggest spoiler spiller in the MCU.

It’s hard to mind, because he’s so adorably excited about it all – and because we’re always so thirsty for details. But it’s enough of a problem that he’s not allowed to do press alone, and his co-star and fellow Brit Benedict Cumberbatch has been tasked with keeping him from giving away every Avengers film.

Now, a new look at an old interview with Holland and Cumberbatch during press for Avengers: Infinity War has turned up a little detail that’s a lot more notable now we’ve seen both that film and Ant-Man And The Wasp, and seems to give away a crucial detail about Avengers: Endgame.

When asked by Access Hollywood who flubs the most lines, Cumberbatch owns up: “Me!”

But Holland defends him: “He has to talk about so much Quantum Realm… stuff.”

“Stuff, just stuff,” interjects Cumberbatch, almost under his breath, with the resigned air of a man who’s been told to try and keep the adorable puppy from peeing on everything but is already getting out the paper towels.

It’s not nearly as bad as Mark Ruffalo’s classic “everybody dies”, of course:

But it’s a pretty big confirmation that we’re going to spend a fair bit of time in the Quantum Realm.

(Let’s talk in more detail about this, including spoilers for the second Ant-Man movie.)

The Quantum Realm is the sub-atomic space we were introduced to in Ant-Man, and where Paul Rudd’s character was left stranded at the end of Ant-Man And The Wasp. We learned from that movie that humans stranded there can actually survive there for a long time, as Michelle Pfeiffer’s character, Janet Van Dyne, did for decades.

There are plenty of fan theories suggesting that the dusted characters, including both Cumberbatch and Holland’s, might be rescued or revived with the help of the Quantum Realm’s weirdo physics – or that they’re just hanging out there, hopefully avoiding the tardigrade belt.

And it’s also confirmation that Strange, at least, is definitely back on deck sometime in Endgame, and Spider-Man must be as well. Strange didn’t talk about the Quantum Realm in Infinity War, and spoiler-prone Holland is famously not given the scripts other than the pages with his actual scenes – and sometimes he’s not even getting those.

So how would Holland know that Cumberbatch goes on about the Quantum Realm so much, unless they had scenes together in (or talking about) that itty-bitty little psychedelic space?

The silver, black and red colour scheme revealed on some new merch also seems to be inspired by the Ant-Man suit, suggesting there’s some Quantum Realm action going on for everyone.

Look, it’s all wild mass guessing at this point – but May is a long way away, and with so many of our faves still not feeling so good, we’ll take every hopeful clue we can get. 

And we’ll probably get most of them from Tom.

From League of Legends To Mjolnir-Ball, It’s Time For You To Rethink Team Sports

Think beyond the balls.

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If you grew up being picked last in PE, bored stiff at footy games, or entirely baffled by weird pointy leather eggs in all their forms, you might think you’re not a Sports Person.

But sport is fun. It’s fun to watch, it’s fun to play, it’s fun to get irrationally mad at – you’ve just got to find the one that fits you.

And now it’s easier than ever to find some new or reinvented league or club to join. Here are just a few of the wildest and newest sports that are thinking beyond the balls.

League Of Legends

Esports functions exactly like traditional physical sports: the action might take place on screens, but there are favoured and hated franchises, team colours and homemade signs, huge roaring crowds filling stadiums and watching at home.

Plus, millions in prize money to date for some of the biggest ones (US$64 million and counting for League of Legends) – you know, if you’re into that. Bit better than a shiny trophy or a ring.

 

It’s even figuring into high school dramas the way football used to – the current run of Degrassi had a whole plot arc about the school’s esports team.

LoL has grown into one of the biggest esports thanks to its battle-based gameplay, where you as the “summoner” control a champion on one of three maps, working with your teammates to get past the other team’s defensive lines and destroy the “nexus” of their home base.

So, kind of like the NFL, but with more wizards and fewer roided-out bro clichés.

Clear eyes, full bandwidth – can’t lose.

Medieval MMA

Players describe contemporary medieval fighting as “UFC with armour and weapons”. While it started at reenactment faires and events, it’s now a proper sport with a yearly international tournament called Battle Of Nations.

There are duel rounds, of course, but in the best version, teams take one another on in battle, dressed in 20-30kg of armour and equipped with shields, (blunted) swords and wrestling moves. Players are eliminated when they have three points of contact with the ground, and the last team with any fighters left standing is declared the winner. The team rounds range from five on five to full-on melees with thirty players each side.

Players say the injury rate is lower than rugby, but the combat is full-contact and very real – there’s no stage-fighting or fencing here.

Muggle Quidditch

It’s important to refer to it as Muggle Quidditch, due to the lack of flying broomsticks and balls enchanted to attack or escape you. It’s actually a fair bit less dangerous than the version played in the Harry Potter books and films, due to the fact that the broomsticks are only a few inches above ground level, and again, the balls are not actively trying to attack you.

Sure, you can laugh, but these guys are having way more fun than you, and they’re probably fitter, too.

There’s a World Cup, at which nobody has ever been murdered or terrorised as far as we know, and Aussie players even developed rules for Wheelchair Quidditch. Plus, their gender equity rule is called Title 9 ¾ – a play on both Platform 9 and ¾ and Title IX. How can you not love these dedicated, dorky social justice jocks?

Ultimate Frisbee

(Um, actually I think you’ll find it’s just called Ultimate?)

Flying discs meets football in this long-running team sport, which was invented by a bunch of hippies in 1960s California, and now has its own semi-pro league in the US and Canada.

The basic gist is that you’re trying to catch the disc in the opposing team’s end zone, which gets you a point.

The most unusual part of it is that it’s self-policed – there are no refs or umpires, and players call their own fouls.

It has a bit of a bro-y reputation, but because it’s not based on hurling heavy things or tackling people with brute physical strength, the actual game can be pretty inclusive for women and NB folks of all sizes. 31% of Ultimate players in the US identify as women, and the Australian Ultimate League claims to have been Australia’s first ever gender equitable semi-professional elite sports league.

Hammerfield

An Avengers-inspired field sport played with a foam hammer instead of a ball, hammerfield was reportedly invented in the Netherlands in 2012.

While there’s the below image on a site called Top End Sports, there’s no footage of the sport being played – but I hope to Odin it’s real, because it sounds fun as hell.

The rules are a little bit like Quidditch – hammer bearers try to use a Mjolnir-style foam hammer to hit the “goal”, which is a bell hanging three metres high at either end of the pitch. They can throw the hammer at the bell (1 point) or jump and hit it with the hammer still in their hand (2 points).

Meanwhile, other players must have the ball in their possession in order to tackle a hammer-bearer, rugby style, and the rest of the game is spent trying to get the ball in order to tackle in order to get the hammer.

It’s full-contact, so you might feel a little Thor after playing.

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