Bleats

Why Do The Women On The Walking Dead Have Perfect Eyebrows In The Middle Of The Zombie Apocalypse?

Women on TV who have just woken up, are getting out of the shower or are running from literal zombies are rocking on-point makeup, and it MAKES. NO. SENSE.

With The Walking Dead returning for the second half of its ninth season next week, the show’s biggest mystery still remains to be solved: how are all these people still so good-looking in the middle of the zombie apocalypse?

Specifically, the women.

Most dudes, like Daryl (Norman Reedus) are still sweaty, stubbly messes (relatively speaking), and everyone is routinely covered with a thin layer of attractively glowing perspiration and grime. But nobody has split ends, and the women’s eyebrows are all flawless.

Are we still using “on fleek”?

Magna looks like an Instagram model. I mean come ON.

My brows seem to start creeping back towards each other before the wax marks have faded, but these ladies have been running around in an apocalyptic wasteland and their arches are still so clean and sharp you could perform emergency surgery with them.

And my feet are, like most regular people’s, a patchwork of healing blisters and callouses and dry skin. But remember how Andrea had a perfect, fresh coat of peachy-nude polish on her toes in her final scene? 

Almost as if she knew there’d be a close-up.

I have enough trouble not looking like a gnarled, furry crone living in a mostly-functioning major city with a salon on every corner, with an income and spare time and never being chased by the undead.

It hasn’t been lost on Twitter, either.

I’m not saying women wouldn’t want to feel and look a bit nice in the apocalypse – I doubt I’d still bother shaving my legs, but I can’t guarantee I’d be above taking a quiet moment to pluck my unibrow if I happened upon a quiet, half-looted Sephora a few months into the end of the world.

But it’s downright silly for these woman to look like they have a team of professional hair and makeup artists trimming and tweezing and shaping and shining – which, of course, they do.

And it’s not just about beauty standards.

It’s also ridiculous when a character who, say, doesn’t have the full use of her hands somehow has hair in neat French braids, or a woman who’s locked in a windowless room with her hands tied is wearing fresh lip gloss, or someone takes the time to not only change into her superhero costume on the way to the emergency but also change her hair and completely reapply her makeup to look more badass.

It just doesn’t make sense.

And it’s not only that it’s unrealistic, to the point of being distracting once you notice it.

It’s downright disrespectful to the hours and the effort women put in to looking effortlessly great every day. That s**t takes time – thousands of hours over a lifetime, even if you’re on the lower-maintenance end of the scale.

And when TV and movie characters walk around with a full face of makeup on but we never see them put it on – when women get out of the shower wearing mascara and wake up with a full contour – it warps our grasp of the difference between what human women’s faces actually look like naturally, and the version of them we create with brow powder and GHDs and the help of trained professionals.

A couple of TV shows recently have highlighted what actually goes into putting on your face. Season one of Amazon’s The Marvelous Mrs Maisel (which is set in the 1950s) has a running bit where the main character goes to bed in a full face, hops up once her husband is asleep to apply thick globs of wrinkle cream and rag-curl her hair – then wakes up before him to reverse the process and put on her blush and lipstick, and pretends to wake up after him, so he’s none the wiser.

Obviously TV and film actresses are going to have fresh blow-dries, perfect skin, and tailored clothing – they’re professionally hot.

But surely we can make their brows look a little less perfect while they’re having their fake grime and sweat applied in the makeup chair.

They’re running from The Walking Dead, not walking the red carpet.

CoverGirl Is Now The Biggest Makeup Brand To Be Cruelty-Free Certified, But It’s Really Still Just Lip Service

Sure, it's a massive step in the right direction - but if supporting cruelty-free is important to you, the whole story is less encouraging.

If you prefer your lashes lush and also your bunnies un-contoured, there are plenty of makeup brands you can support that are cruelty-free – from individual brands that don’t test on animals (which means they don’t retail in mainland China, products must have been tested on critters in order to be sold in bricks and mortar stores) to full-on, ground-up, for-real vegan, no animal products at all companies.

Now CoverGirl has become the biggest brand ever to cop the Leaping Bunny cruelty-free certification from Cruelty-Free international. It’s a strict process to get that happy little hare on your marketing material, including intensive ingredient and supply chain audits, as well as ongoing regular audits to ensure compliance.

It’s not just for coconut-scented ranges mixed up in your crunchy cousin’s bathroom sink – cruelty-free has for years now been a major selling point for some of the industry’s most high-status brands, from Chantecaille and Kat von D to Anastasia Beverly Hills and Bite Beauty.

But what if you don’t have $38 to drop on an eyebrow pencil or a lip balm, but you do have, y’know, principles? Finding quality products amongst the monster global brands in the local Amcal that look as good in a selfie as they do on your Good Place points ticker is tough.

The animal-based and animal-tested products that have historically been used in cosmetics weren’t just there for funsies. If pulverised sea-otter eyelashes gave your kohl eyeliner the best smudge and thus an edge over your competitors’ formula, in they went, and the hot babes buying your products were either none the wiser or didn’t care.

That’s why the CoverGirl news is definitely a win – the industry’s moves against the practice, and the market sentiment and activism driving increasing transparency, are a positive step overall. It’s good to see it matters enough to even mainstream buyers in this beauty-obsessed era that a company with CG’s rep would jump through those pesky vegans’ hoops to get it done.

But it’s worth keeping in mind that even if you’re stoked you can finally rediscover that surprisingly good $11 sheer foundation you wore in your school plays – and support one of the few mainstream brands keeping up with Fenty in the shade-range arms race – CG’s parent company Coty still has a way to go on animal testing.

Its other beauty brands – including Clairol, OPI, Max Factor, Rimmel, Sally Hansen, Natural Instincts, Wella, and Vidal Sassoon – and fragrance brand licences – including Hugo Boss, Dolce & Gabbana, Gucci, Escada and Lacoste – are all listed by PETA as being animal tested (or unreported).

Whether this is happening in the research and development phase or just as a regulatory check so they can be sold in mainland China doesn’t really matter – it’s still happening.

While it’s committed to making at least one more of its brands cruelty-free certified within the next two years, Coty is still benefiting from animal testing every time it sells someone a bottle of Gucci Flora or a box of Nice & Easy.

This means buying CoverGirl makeup is kind of like buying your free-range eggs from a producer that also sells cage eggs: the product you’re purchasing may be a little more aligned with your values, but the company getting your money, not so much.

Now You Get To Feel Bad About What Colour Your Labia Is, Thanks To This Handy Bits-Bleaching Guide

Reminder: anyone who is anything other that THRILLED to see you naked should not get to see you naked.

Remember when beauty blogs were about eyeshadow looks you couldn’t do without three specific $87 palettes, or yet another contouring tutorial that still wouldn’t stop you looking like a rubbish tiger from the school fete face-paint stall?

Now they’re about what’s wrong with your vagina!

Yes, the influencers have stealthily crept south from your cheekbones, like Vietcong forces armed with expensive and mysteriously shaped brushes, and they’re now in your Mekong Delta.

The content team for Huda Kattan, arguably the biggest beauty influencer out there, has published lightening guides before, including one in February about lightening the dead or darkened skin on knees and elbows. But a few days ago they published an ill-advised and worse-received new installment, saying it’s a response to all the questions they’ve received about how to lighten your vagina.

“My labia are totes discoloured!”

What they mean is vulva, or more specifically, the labia majora (that’s ya flaps, for the more casual reader). You get a bump in your melanin levels around your genitals and butt when you hit puberty, and you also have lots of hair follicles around there, so the skin can appear darker.

And given that most straight women would mostly see two kind of naked vulvas – professional on-camera-sex-havers with legit pube-grooming budgets, and those older ladies in the gym changerooms who have zero f**ks left to give and walk around with their bushes proudly out while you pretzel yourself out of your Speedos – it’s easy to get a warped idea of what’s “normal”.

Perhaps some of the questions are coming from younger women – and there may also be some insecurity arising out of the newish, f**king horrid term “roasties”, where horrible little men and literal teenagers on the internet who have seen maybe one actual vulva up close and in person in their entire lives* post pictures of slices of roast beef stuffed into sandwich rolls, with the implication that some woman whose opinion they don’t like has similar-looking genitals from “overuse”, which is not a thing, or age, which is a perfectly normal thing. Everything stretches a little, or a lot, eventually. Everything.

What’s not f**king normal is literally anything Kattan’s post suggests, including slopping the following on it: yoghurt (well, fine if you’re trying to battle thrush itch while you wait for the Canesten to kick in), coconut oil (wholesome!), lemon juice (ow ow ow ow), prescription brightening creams (whyyyyyy), a chemical peel (WHAT THE FLAPS, PEOPLE?).

This is not your only option!

Butthole bleaching has been a thing for ages – it’s such an established thing, in fact, that there’s a line about it in an Ed Sheeran song. While it seems like a ridiculous thing for someone who’s not in adult films or sex work to spend money on, I kind of get it – the darkened skin reminds you of poop! – so you do you.

But let’s be clear: there is absolutely no need to be so mean to your poor little smoo, its skin, and its precious pH balance.

(And Huda’s team have now clarified that they were trying to steer the question-askers away from damaging online DIY techniques – but still, why bring it up at all?)

Also, you don’t want to blind anyone who tries to go down on you.

If your dude thinks all labia should always and only look like shy little virgin magnolia petals waiting to bloom, you do not want that entitled manchild near your bits. He has absolutely no idea what he’s doing down there.

The only reason to worry about the way your genitals look is if they are showing symptoms of some kind of infection or rash, or there’s something coming out of them that’s not the consistency or colour it usually is, or if their natural shape and/or size is causing you real physical discomfort. In all of those cases, you should go and chat to your doctor. And if you want, you can ask them if this or that is normal, and they will tell you it is because they have seen what not-as-normal looks like.

amazing

How your muff feels is way more important than how it looks. Please, for the love of all that is squishy in all the right places, do not slop acids on it to try and make it prettier. In fact, you should go home tonight, light a candle, put on some Janelle Monae, and give it some love.

(*Not just because nobody wants to get naked in front of them, but also if they’re of the DJ Khaled school of thought.)

#Trending

Show More Show Less

Follow Us