Let’s be real: your encyclopaedic knowledge of The Simpsons has served you well over the years. There’s one for every occasion.
And I’m not about to suggest that you stop quoting The Simpsons entirely. At its best it is perfect comedy: human, grim, honest, and absurd.
But even though the show is still going, there have been no new classic Simpsons quotes in quite some time, and there will be diminishing returns on even more niche ones as time goes on.
So it’s not a bad idea to start cycling out some of the over overused sayings with snippets of the current greatest and most quotable stand-up comedian of our time: John “That Tall Child With Feminine Hips” Mulaney.
His three specials and related content like Oh, Hello are full of moments so perfectly phrased and stealable that “movies/musicals/emo bands/______ as John Mulaney quotes” has even become a meme.
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— dilara elbir (@elbirdilara) February 4, 2019
Here’s a few easy ones to start you off.
“Worst. Episode. Ever.”
This one’s definitely played out – especially now Comic Book Guy types are essentially running the internet now.
Replace it with the gloriously pouty Mick Jagger impression Mulaney busts out in Kid Gorgeous. It even lets you do a funnay voice!
“I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.”
Look, this is a classic – but it’s a bit laborious. Try this more succinct version:
“I didn’t lie, I was writing fiction with my mouth!”
Semantics are out, owning your BS is in – and much funnier.
“Ya just give ’em one of these!”
Tired: Funk dancing for self defense. Sorry, Moe.
Wired: Throwing people off their rhythm. Mulaney’s extended bit about stranger danger assemblies with Detective JJ Bittenbinder can be boiled down to a number of different snippets: a money clip hurled into the gutter, or just yelling “STREET SMARTS”!
Paternal insults
Abe Simpson has nothing on Chip “One Black Coffee” Mulaney.
Why insult your kids’ looks when you can scar them by telling them they’re terrible people?
Weaning yourself off Simpsons quotes is a tough ask – but you can do this. Kid Gorgeous and The Comeback Kid are on Netflix right now, and The Simpsons is not.
And if you hate this whole idea? There’s a Mulaney quote you can throw back in my face… even though you know I’m right.
