Dwayne Johnson Is Making Dick Towels A Thing

Between a Rock and a hard place.

There’s no polite way to ask this so let’s just get down to it: are men wearing towels over their dicks in gyms?

More specifically, are men actually wearing towels tucked into their waistband and covering their junk like a flannelly loincloth?

The answer is that Dwayne “Rock, The” Johnson is doing so and therefore we can only conclude that it is a habit of the world’s gymsiest men and that all masculinity will therefore follow.

Yeah, but what about the dick towel?

This revelation was courtesy of Jezabel‘s Tracy Clark-Flory, who had noticed a theme in Dwayne’s gym themed Instagram posts. And people say investigative journalism is in crisis!

Her deep dive into the matter explored two potential reasons for this fashion trend: one, that dudes were just carrying their towel in the one place they could easily access it to wipe their hands; and two, that the tucked in section provided much needed extra support for a dude’s groinal region while wearing compression tights.

Again, about the towel…

The other possibility, obviously, is that dudes are calling attention to their business via a tantalising peek-a-boo junk-tent. Or maybe that they wish to conceal the fact that compression tights make their wangs look like twisted birds trapped in driftnets.

In any case: gents, if you’re not giving your gym crotch a little front-cape then clearly you are doing it wrong. The Rock’s groin has spoken.

The Rock Looks Like The World's Most Uncomfortable Couch But We'd Still Sit On Him

Let's be honest, he'd be pretty ergonomic.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is one of the planet’s most consistently attractive humans and for decades scientists have been fruitlessly pondering how to make him look bad.

And now, finally, after all this time, we have an answer thanks to the Time 100 red carpet. And that answer is “velour”.

So many questions are going through our heads right now. Is he powered by static electricity? Is this his new fashion line “Key Party Chic”? Is he cosplaying as legendary astrophysicist and science populariser Carl Sagan?

That’s our theory, at least.

Goddamn, Carl, I still miss you every day.

Ultimately we’re not sure why the Rock would want to look like a 70s couch, but we are never going to criticise the fashion choices of a man who clearly could throw us through a wall if he felt like it.

That, or he’s attempting to be this shoe. And frankly, we’re also OK with that.

It’s a strong look.

Expensive Sneaker Disease Is Apparently A Thing

We blame all the other kids, with their pumped up kicks.

You may not have been aware of it, but apparently Australia is currently gripped in an epidemic – nay, a pandemic! – of ESD, known to laypersons as Expensive Sneaker Disease.

Podiatrists and enthusiasts in the podiatry arts are warning that people are doing shoes wrong and need to be put their best foot forward, clad in footwear which actually does the job it’s being required to do.

These ones, specifically.

It’s the weird inverse of people wearing sneakers as a fashion statement: where once upon a time people would wear athletic footwear just to gad about the place, now manufacturers are making sneakers purely as a fashion statement and people are accidentally mistaking them for sneakers they can do sport and sports-adjacent stuff in.

The upshot is that people are getting their little piggies injured, particularly by wearing non-gym shoes to the gym..

It’s especially problematic for women, since they’ve been historically underserved in the athletic footwear department and therefore more like to take what’s on offer than have a super-wide choice

Chickens have even fewer options.

“It’s really important that demographic aren’t picking shoes more for when they are going for a coffee than to the gym,” Melbourne podiatrist Lewis Citroen told the Age. So wait: getting coffee doesn’t count as cardio?

Anyway, the lesson here is clear: either choose your shoes better, or don’t exercise. Either works.

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