Bleats

Yes, The Lion King Remake Features A Duet Between Beyonce And Donald Glover, Because Obviously

GAM-BEY-NO.

Amongst all the hype over the trailer for Disney’s The Lion King remake and the argument over whether it actually counts as “live-action” (spoiler: it doesn’t) we forgot to ask the most important question:

Are we getting a duet of ‘Can You Feel The Love Tonight’ performed by Beyoncé and Donald Glover?

Because there are still beautiful things in the world, we can confirm that the answer is yes.

Billy Eichner, who voices Timon in the remake and is also Craig from Parks & Rec and the Beyoncé of angry gay shrieking, confirmed it on Watch What Happens Live last week.

As in the original, the classic song starts off with Timon singing, and then the two superstars, who are voicing adult Nala and Simba respectively, take over.

There was some doubt here, because in the original 2D animated film, the song is sung by Elton John while Simba and Nala go on a jungle date and make sexy eyes at each other.

Would it have been extremely dumb to NOT have Beyoncé and Childish Gambino perform the song? Absolutely.

Am I a bit paranoid about movie studios making unbelievably stupid decisions when it comes to remakes of classic films? 100%.

The next question, of course, is whether there’s a 45-minute interlude in the middle where, while Simba’s off neglecting the pride to hang with his bug-eating bros, Nala goes full Lemonade and walks around Pride Rock smashing s**t up and reciting feminist poetry.

2019 Nala isn’t going to sit around being mad and sitting still. You don’t cast Beyoncé to not sing, and you don’t cast her as someone who wouldn’t smash s**t.

The Live-Action Kim Possible Also Comes With A Rebooted Theme Song, And Like Her Pants, It's Just Not Big Enough

Is it a banger?

As much as we love anything where the ladies take centre stage and kick the majority of the butts, we have some reservations about the Disney Channel’s upcoming live-action movie reboot of the classic series Kim Possible.

The casting is fine! They’re actual teenagers! They’re supposed to be dweebs! It’s fine!

The pants, on the other hand, give us pause. (We’ve gone into more detail about that before. We do not have issues. YOU have issues.)

And now Disney has released a new version of the show’s iconic theme song, ‘Call Me, Beep Me’.

First, a refresher of how hard the original, as performed by Christina Milian,  absolutely slaps:

Banger, right?

The new version  is sung by the reboot’s star, Sadie Stanley. And she does a fine job!

“We kept the integrity of the original song but make it sound like it was written today,” a Disney Channel music guy told Billboard.

The longer version allows for a fun breakdown near the end – but ultimately, it’s not an improvement.

Why ditch the perfectly slick millennium-dance-pop-RnB production of the original for something that doesn’t even sound that modern?

They could have at least thrown some money at a name-brand remix from one of the dozens of pop producers storming the charts right now – were Zedd, Kygo, Jonas Blue, The Chainsmokers, benny blanco, and whoever Diplo’s glommed onto at the moment all too busy?

Look, nothing’s ever as good when you were around for the original version, and let’s try not to be too cynical when a new generation of kids get to fall in love with Kim and her lovably useless offsider Ron Stoppable when the movie premieres on February 15.

But it’s either a banger or not, and this ain’t it.

Here’s hoping they don’t mess with the Naked Mole Rap.

Belle Actually Should Have Chosen Gaston, According To This Compelling PowerPoint Presentation

No-one survives the bloody purges of the French Revolution like Gaston!

Of all the Disney villains, Beauty & The Beast’s Gaston has always felt like one of the ones you’re most likely to encounter in real life.

You might not meet that many part-squid sea witches in drag makeup or evil royal viziers with hypnosis powers – but a leering, anti-intellectual boor who doesn’t respect books and won’t take no for an answer? We were warned off early on that one.

But writer Dana Schwartz, an Entertainment Weekly journalist and author, did some deep thinking of the kind Belle would likely appreciate, and came up with a PowerPoint presentation that makes a disturbingly strong case for Gaston as a better option than the Beast/Prince Adam.

It starts off a little superficial: Gaston is big and strong and a good hunter, which admittedly is important in 18th-century rural France, particularly considering her father is a not particularly successful inventor and she is an only child with no discernible skills beyond reading and walking at the same time. (Learning this as a child has served me well as an iPhone-addicted adult, but it will not help you in those lean Loire Valley winters.)

Plus he has lots of friends, a good singing voice, and uses antlers in all of his decorating.

Meanwhile, the Beast has no friends (only servants, who he presumably hasn’t even paid in some years given the whole curse thing), has no clear talent for singing (except in his head during that one song in the snow), and “will yell at you for looking at a flower”.

Plus the whole Stockholm Syndrome vibe of Belle’s prisoner-turned-paramour arc is a pretty big red flag.

But wait – there’s more.

Schwartz did a little maths and worked out that the war Gaston mentions in the live-action remake is probably the Seven Years War that ended in 1763 – so Belle and the Prince probably have about 25 years of married bliss before the French Revolution comes, and they are guillotined as the lazy, selfish, magical-feast-gobbling bourgeois pigs they are.

Meanwhile, Schwartz explains, Gaston is likely a well-dressed reactionary, strolling the streets with his canonically gay best friend, head very much still attached to attractively hairy chest, stimulating the regional economy with his prodigious egg consumption.

Yes, Gaston tries to have Belle’s father committed, has an historically accurate but still offputting attitude to consent and tries to solve problems by whipping the townspeople into a torch-wielding mob. And the Beast has books!

But hey, Belle’s no peach either. Maybe she and Gaston deserved each other all along.

Click through to read the whole thread here.

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