Bleats

The Animal Kingdom Facts That Will Forever Ruin The Lion King For You

Can you feel the lies tonight?

The Lion King is a classic. It’s got all the trimmings of a good movie: comedy, tragedy, romance, ~impressive~ 1990s animation.

The kind of stuff you just can’t replicate (the live-action remake is gonna suck, IMO).

The Lion King might be all song and dance on screen but the real life African Serengeti is much more…unpolished, shall we say.

I mean, they are animals after all. And as cuddly and kind as they may look on screen (with the exception of Scar who will forever remind me of a crazy uncle) they’re slobby, messy horny bastards in real life.

And these animal kingdom facts will prove it.

WARNING: reading on may cause severe distress, nightmares, distrust toward your mother/father/parents and serious cynicism regarding all Disney films in future.

Let’s start with something on the gentler side of things: real-life lions sleep for 20 hours a day which means, if The Lion King was accurate, literally nothing would get done.

Imagine only having four hours to murder your brother, exile his son and steal his throne.

Tell that to Mufasa.

Fact number two (still warming you up): the closest animal relative to the hyena is a meerkat. Which means that Timone was probably related to Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed.

If you squint you can kinda see the resemblance.

Also, Mufasa was a fake king.

Don’t get me wrong, he was a great dude with a great voice courtesy of James Earl Jones, but he ain’t no king in the real world.

Lion society is actually matriarchal. The females do the hunting, establish hierarchy, look after cubs and basically run the show.

Speaking of male-female relations, here’s an extra special fact for you: there’s only one adult lion in each pride. Which means that one male gets all of the sexy time. Which means that with Scar gone Simba would have had to sex all of the female lions.

ALL of them.

That’s some serious mother-son bonding right there.

I’ll never watch this scene in the same away again.

The above fact also means that Simba and Nala are siblings.

I don’t condone sibling relations but the pride isn’t exactly full of options- Nala and Simba are the only cubs. Their romance is a product of their situation and makes practical sense.

Romantically it presents a whole bunch of issues, but I’m just gonna ignore those.

YUCK.

But there’s a reason that Nala and Simba are the only children in the pride.

Brace yourselves.

When a lion is killed or exiled (à la Mufasa) the new leader and his pride don’t want to bring up children that aren’t their own. They want to be able to breed their own family with the lionesses.

So what do they do? Commit casual infanticide.

Yep, Scar would have killed all the younglings in the pride after Mufasa’s death to establish power and throw all the lionesses back into heat.

The worst bit is Mufasa before him would have done the same thing. Which means that Mufasa is not the great guy we all thought he was.

Tbh, that is the worst reality-check of them all. Why Mufasa? WHY? 

Me finding out the truth about Mufasa.

Even Netflix Thinks You're Toxic For Labelling Good Films 'Chick Flicks’

Movies are not gender specific.

This may come as a shock to some, but we live in a pretty progressive world.

And I’m not just talking about the eating breakfast for dinner kind of progressive (although that is the kind of positivity I need in my life). I’m talking about the grittier stuff: same-sex marriage, gender fluidity, women getting treated as equals (shocker).

All of these things are commonplace in today’s world and, rightfully so. Love is love and all that jazz. I’m here for it all.

But society’s way of thinking is still so gendered. It’s also still very normal which is why we often don’t think twice about it and we definitely don’t notice it.

Think of the phrase ‘chick flick’, for example. What does that even mean????

Movies aren’t made exclusively for women so why the hell do we treat them like they are?

And deny it is you might, there is a certain embarrassment attached to watching a chick flick if you’re not:

a) Female

b) Homosexual

c) Going through a break up

d) All of the above.

Never in my life have I heard a dude openly admit he likes The Notebook. And that’s a damn good movie.

Well, Netflix is here to tell you that kind of thinking is total B.S.

Pretty straight forward. No chickens = don’t do it.

If there are no chickens, it’s not a chick flick.

If that isn’t a good enough reason for you, then hold onto your ego ‘cause Netflix went hard on the explanation.

Firstly, everyone loves love. And comedy.

Secondly, women shouldn’t get ‘special’ treatment. We want equal film viewing opportunity, thank you very much.

Then there’s just the fact that using the term ‘chick flick’ is tacky and straight-up insulting to anyone involved in the film’s production.

Watching something you ENJOY is not a joke.

Basically, gender norms suck.

Making assumptions about another human being based off of their movie watching habits just means you’re small-minded, if you ask me. A human is so much more than the media they consume, just like a movie is so much more than its title and plot.

Stop saying you’re “too cool” to watch a romance movie.

Stop saying you “don’t like” movies with female leads because your masculinity secretly feels threatened.

Stop thinking and just bloody enjoy the movie. That’s what they’re there for after all- to be enjoyed.

Oh, and stop adding labels to things. It’s toxic and, honestly, just plain boring.

Don’t limit the movies you watch.

Small Cinemas Are Your Ticket To Real Movie Magic, With Enough Change For Popcorn

Go small or go home.

Going to the movies can sometimes feel like a money grab.

You gotta fork out $25 just to get a seat and then more if you want popcorn. And you always want popcorn.

Then there’s the necessary packet of Maltesers (to go with the popcorn, duh) and the bottle of water you need to wash down all the salty sugary goodness.

THEN, if you want the VIP experience in leather or recliner seats, that’s even more.

At least they have wine now?

Basically, it’s a lot of $$$. And I get it: in the Netflix age, cinemas are trying their hardest to stay afloat. Charging a few extra dollars for a movie ticket is an easy way to keep the bottom line afloat.

But it’s not the best.

I can hear your shock. Maybe you’re confused or even a little bit angry at me.

“What are you talking about, lady? The cinema is the BEST way to watch a movie!”

“The screen is bigger.”

“The graphics are clearer.”

“There’s surround sound.”

“Have you tasted movie popcorn?!”

I hear you. Yeah, they’re all really good reasons.

But there’s one thing money can’t buy and a boujee leather seat can’t replace: intimacy.

Smaller cinemas offer the same experience for half the price, with better atmosphere, popcorn that is just as good, and less hectic air conditioning.

You know the type: a room only a few metres by a few metres with about 30 seats.

They’re not just warmer temperature-wise – they bring you closer to your fellow film lovers.

They’re not a dying breed – a lot of these smaller local cinemas still exist.

There’s Palace Cinemas all over Australia (Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Perth, Byron, just to name a few) where a range of films are screened, from international award winners to current box office hits for your basic mates. They also serve olive oil popcorn, which is the bomb diggity- don’t knock it till you try it – and also delicious booze.

Oh, and there are $10 ticket deals all the time.

There’s also good old Dendy Cinemas which has $8 (!!!) student tickets on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. If you’re a fully grown, then their regular tickets are $13.50 – which still saves you about $10 on the price of an adult ticket at a larger cinema chain.

Glenbrook Cinema in the Blue Mountains is proof that big commercial cinemas are overrated. It’s family-owned, with walls covered in black and white movie pics and memorabilia; the staff dress up for certain movie releases, and late night movie goers are sometimes treated to lollies when they leave.

All that service for $12.50 a ticket.

Great Lakes Cinema in Tuncurry, on New South Wales’ Mid-North Coast, is one of my personal favorites (probably because I watched Frozen there for the first time). The cinemas are only slightly bigger than my childhood bedroom, which isn’t very big, and the seats are the old fold-down theatre chairs. And it’s great.

I think you (ahem) get the picture: there are a lot of small, old-fashioned cinemas around and they’re well worth your time.

I’d say they’re also worth your money but they’ll hardly break the bank – and plenty have member programs where you can get free tickets, discounts, and previews.

Ultimately, size doesn’t (always) matter. Smaller cinemas just have so much to offer.

The small space makes them cosier and more atmospheric. Nothing says “authentic experience” like the sound of the person behind you laughing along… or the feel of them breathing on the back of your neck during a horror movie.

Small local cinemas don’t rely on fancy leather chairs or building-sized screens to bring the wow-factor. The joy of it all is in the simplicity.

There’s something to be said about enjoying a movie in an intimate setting.

So next time you feel like watching a film, go small or stay home.

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