The Jonas Brothers’ triumphant return after 7 years has been a blessing for the whole world, but it’s also been a testing time for long-term fans.
The brothers have since grown up, gotten married and become real mens.
Like, cmon.
After two super solid singles, Sucker and Cool, The Jonas Brothers have announced that their first album after a seven year hiatus is called Happiness Begins and will be available June 7th 2019.
Which, y’know, lovely.
But we NEED to talk about the album cover because they’ve given us no choice but to be looking directly at their behinds.
So, I’ve decided the only plan of attack is to rank these butts in a very detailed way, for science of course.
There’s some guidelines, or I’d just be biased.
In this essay I will determine who of The Jonas Brothers has the superior booty, based on the following questions:
- If It Sits On My Lap, Will It Maim Me Deeply?
- Can I Rest My Head On It After A Long, Hard Day?
- Will One Cheek Fill Up A Whole Handful? (Important)
Let’s begin.
Joe Jonas.
If It Sits On My Lap, Will It Maim Me Deeply? 8/10 Absolutely. His booty is thicc and ready to crush my body into a fine dust (in a loving way.)
Can I Rest My Head On It After A Long, Hard Day? 9/10 I feel like this booty would find a way to hold me into the night and tell me everything is going to be okay.
Will One Cheek Fill Up A Whole Handful? 10/10 I have full faith that I could wrap my tiny hands around this booty and have substantial overflow.
RATING: 27/30
Nick Jonas.
If It Sits On My Lap, Will It Maim Me Deeply? 4/10 I feel like this booty may be a tad bony so yes, I believe that I would be punctured deeply.
Can I Rest My Head On It After A Long, Hard Day? 7/10 Nick works out a lot so I feel like I could rest my head on it but it would not be pillowy.
Will One Cheek Fill Up A Whole Handful? 6/10 There would be a severe lacking in the grabbery here, unfortunately.
17/30 (soz)
Kevin Jonas.
If It Sits On My Lap, Will It Maim Me Deeply? 10/10 I would be violently maimed by this buttocks and it would turn up to my funeral and ask ‘what happened?’ like it had nothing to do with my death.
Can I Rest My Head On It After A Long, Hard Day? 9/10 I would definitely rest my head on this booty and fall into a peaceful slumber.
Will One Cheek Fill Up A Whole Handful? 9/10 See, the pants are deceiving but the way the light hits the top of the booty makes me think that this booty would have some decent cuppage.
28/30
In a surprising turn of events, the winner of most superior butt is, Kevin Jonas.
SIDE NOTE: look at THIS.
Slim thicc daddy, K-Jo is no longer the least popular Jonas because he is GROWN and he is ready for the crown.