Why Does The Bachelor Keep Smearing Stuff All Over The Contestants?

Has… has Matt got a bit of an unconscious kink-thing going on here?

Look, before we get into the whole smearing thing, there’s something we need to talk about with The Bachelor and it’s the music. Specifically, how oddly racist it’s gotten.

The music on the show is a goddamn force of nature, doing all of the heavy lifting during the bits where they don’t have a Nikki or Mary reaction shot to hand.

“Hello, I am the audience response.”

But this episode it started doing a bit more than was technically required.

Such as throwing in some music-hall oriental tones when Kristen started speaking in Mandarin, for example, and then going all tabla’n’sitar when Matt sat down to talk about Sogand with her best friend, who was dressed identically in some sort of weird clone situation.

To be fair, it’s the most chemistry we’ve seen so far.

Thankfully they got it out of their system early so by the time Sorgand and Abbie were accusing each other of not being on the show for the right reasons their childish argument wasn’t undercut by the soundtrack getting all Bollywood on them.

Speaking of #batchymatchy, maybe prep your best friend to talk you up with some well-chosen phrases first, just in case they say something like “Sogand is like an onion. She’s very passionate,” because that really doesn’t work either as a compliment or a metaphor.

But, more importantly, there’s no polite way to ask but does The Bachelor have a thing for smearing stuff on women’s faces? Because now it’s been integral to two dates and it’s a bit… weird.

Um… yes.

His date with Chelsea devolved into a food fight which included smooshing her face into cake batter. This time around he was massaging Kristen with coffee and exotic unguents, and went rapidly from giggly play fight to big ol’ snog.

Anyway, this brings the number of blonde women he’s pashed on dates up to a solid four, I think. Five, actually, by the end of this episode – well done, Helena.

Life lesson: beware of becoming what you’re ostensibly fighting against

The show so far has been busily bigging up Abbie as the villain of the show, a ruthless operator using her feminine wiles to manipulate her way to victory.

And her nemesis through this has been Sorgand, who has largely confined herself to being exasperated in her cutaways to this point. But this episode she started doing the exact same ruthless-manipulation thing in an attempt to bring Abbie down, most notably in telling Kate what a piece of work Abbie is.

She’s the hero we deserve.

Oh, the irony! You either die a hero or live long enough to become the villain, as that noted philosopher Harvey Dent so astutely pointed out in The Dark Knight.

Anyway: obviously Abbie and Sorgand are going to end up fighting to the death atop a volcano or something. It’ll be a ratings smash.

Date tip: don’t bring your best friend in early

The group date involved Matt running four women by his bestie, Kate. And oh, what a poisoned chalice that was!

If you’ve ever wanted to see a woman visibly thinking “how would I feel about this person being in my social group?” and concluding “nup”, this was the opportunity of a lifetime.

“You are NOT coming to my wedding, mate.”

Also, it sounds like Kate has plenty to do herself. She’s got a wedding to arrange, Matt, stop pulling focus with your own weird TV thing. In any case, the last thing she needs to do is make awkward smalltalk with a bunch of women which she’ll almost certainly never see again.

And ultimately Cassandra’s enthusiasm for talking to Kate about her plans to expand her business as opposed to marrying and popping out Mattlings got her evicted this episode, although to be fair it did sound as though she had a lot to be getting on with.

Llamawatch: They live!

Not one but two llamas!

They multiply!

Clearly they heard our concerns. Thank you, The Bachelor. Thank you.

It's Just Dawned On The Bachelor's Contestants That Now It's Every Dame For Herself

So it turns out that this competitive dating contest is a competition?

This week would appear to be the tipping point where it finally dawned on the Bachelor dames that this reality dating competition is a competition and that they’re going to need to stop treating it as a chance to hang out with other attractive women and compare gowns.

Mind you, this mainly manifested in various to-camera statements about how Abbie is trying to take out her competition in order to win which… did anyone explain the show to these people?

Say what you will about Abbie: she gets it.

Anyway: the issue for anyone with an empathetic bone in their skeleton is that people are starting to fixate on Matt, the only male in their lives that isn’t Osher Günsberg, with a cult-like intensity.

And that means that seeing people who care about the outcome get hurt increasingly badly is going to be pretty difficult from here on in.

Life Lesson: Don’t Be Deferential When You’re Forced Into A Winner-Takes-All Battle For Survival

By and large we salute politeness and courtesy here at GOAT, but it was instructive to see how the automatic socialised response to be deferential and not big-note oneself put women at a disadvantage in the group “date”.

In a nutshell, women had to rate their own qualities – for example, whether they were honest or dishonest – and line up accordingly. Because telling women that they need to rate themselves against one another is a thing we’re doing on TV now, it would appear.

“Rate yourselves, ladies!”

What happened, obviously, was that the pushiest people went “yep I’m heaps honest” and plonked themselves at number one. Abbie, in other words. And everyone else went “um, well, I like to think of myself as an honest person…” and then realised they were already outplayed.

Long story short: it was brutal. But then Bree and Abbie won, although that win turned out to be not quite as winny as you’d think.

Date Tip: Date People With Which You Have At Least A Single Thing In Common

Sure, finally everyone has realised that they need to compete to win a Matt. Except that is problematic because they’re also ostensibly competing for A Forever Love With The One Of Their Dreams, and those are two non-identical goals.

And as Bree made very, very, very clear in their little one-on-one, Matt’s not the right dude for her – at least, in that she merrily blurted out that she’s not looking for short-terms plans, much less marriage and a family, despite Matt making abundantly clear that that’s his whole thing.

“Sorry, and you are…?”

So on the one hand, she totally blew her chance and was sent home; but on the other – thank heavens she was so clear because otherwise she’d be in for a really awkward convo once the cameras stopped rolling.

And finally: Emma, we understand this is a television programme and that you can hardly say “oh my god, what a lovely gift the production team had made for me, please pass on my thanks to the crew!” on camera during your one-on-one date, but maybe tone down your tear-filled praise for how thoughtful a gift you’ve been given.

Matt’s clearly trapped in a house just like you are; he’s not popping out to artisanal markets to commission bespoke wood art.

Llamawatch: it’s back!

It’s OK everyone: after being absent from our screens for a few episodes the llama is safe, healthy, and still sitting on the lawn. Oh god, I was worried. SO WORRIED.

Mind you… it doesn’t appear to have moved. In fact, it appears to be an uncannily similar shot from a previous episode.

Maybe this is old footage to try to conceal the horrible truth CHANNEL 10 WHAT ARE YOU NOT TELLING US? #showusthellama

Life In The Friends Writers' Room Was A Hilarious Nightmare

It would seem that life in the writers’ room for Friends was either the most high-pressure party, or the most hilarious prison sentence.

Yes, television‘s favourite group of… um, pals… was apparently a delight-slash-nightmare, according to an excerpt from Generation Friends by Saul Austerlitz, a forthcoming book about the show. Vulture have published a chapter and… well, it’s an eye-opener.

While the show’s co-creators David Crane and Marta Kauffman ran an impressively supportive-if-competitive room where the best joke won over people’s own egos, there are plenty of quotes that make it clear that writing for comedy is not for the faint hearted.

Or the sleep-hearted. Or the having kids-hearted. Or the wanting to see anyone that’s not also trapped in the writers’ room with you-hearted.

You can understand why, though:

“A single season of Friends would require seventy-two separate plots, each with its own introduction and resolution, each with its own array of jokes and emotional moments. And fully plotted stories would regularly be tossed out because they flopped in rehearsals or during a shoot.”

That’s 12 people doing that amount of writing, rewriting, re-rewriting and punching up (ie: taking something that’s OK and putting the killer lines in).

A good day typically went from 9am to 10.30pm. A typical day, however…

“It was fun to be in a room of raconteurs, entertainers, and one-liner machines bantering, debating, and performing for each other. But there also was no specified end to the workday, no moment when the writers would punch out and head home… On David Lagana’s first day on the job as a writers’ assistant, he showed up for work at nine-thirty a.m. and left for home at six-forty-five the next morning. The last day of the workweek was widely known as Fraturday, as it often did not end until Saturday morning. “

Kaufmann often found herself driving home in the wee small hours to get her kids up, fed, dressed and sent to school before turning around and going back to the office. Writer Jeff Astrof was convinced he’d meet himself going to work on the way home, thereby tearing a hole in the universe.

In fact, the whole Friends’ joke about Chandler failing to be able to do the whipcrack noise came from a writer getting a call from their financee wondering when and if they’d ever be coming home, and another writer trying and failing to suggest they were whipped.

So you know, comedy out of tragedy and all that.

It’s a longish read but definitely ideal for anyone thinking of joining a writers’ room, or who wants to know how many of the humiliating plot points of Friends came directly from writers’ lives (spoiler: all of them).

There is also, however, a story about the writing of ‘Smelly Cat’ which we won’t ruin. It’s pretty good.

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