Bleats

Who Is Definitely Not Going To Win The Bachelor: An Analysis

Experience truly is the greatest teacher.

So, who will not win The Bachelor? Be honest: in your heart of hearts, you already know.

It’s easy to forget that the show isn’t unfolding in real time before our very eyes, despite the azure skies and balmy evenings where one can lounge around in sleeveless gowns without hypothermia kicking in.

But yes, gentle reader, the die has already been cast. All the evictees have been evicted, The Bachelor has chosen his lady love, and we are merely watching a carefully-curated drama play out before our eyes.

And also, we’ve already established that the winner will almost certainly be a blonde woman because all the non-blondes bar one have been eliminated and, and mentioned previously, the remaining one doesn’t appear long for the show.

What…what’s going on?

So, get ready for some truth bombs such as…

Elly Won’t Win

Dash them hopes!

The entire point of setting up a favourite is to have their shock elimination be a huge shocking shock that shocks people shocked.

So it’s handy having everyone having conversations about how much the favourite she is because there is nothing less exciting than going “she’s going to win!” for weeks and then… her winning.

Similarly…

Abbie Also Won’t Win

Bum bum BAAAAA!

As we’ve mentioned before the “villain” of these shows tends to be the first person to correctly realise that this is a competition and start competing accordingly.

And Abbie drew the catty straw this series, playing a vital role in the several dramas in which people left the house for betraying Matt’s trust in various capacities.

But if Elly winning would be unsatisfying, it’s nowhere near as unsatisfying as if Abbie won when the audience have been carefully trained for hate her. They’d be booed in the street!

So who will not not win The Bachelor, then?

Eh, it’s probably Chelsie.

We all assume that, right?

The Bachelor Prepares To Deploy The Lawyers After Evictees Get Mouthy About Spoilers

Meanwhile, the show moves toward its eventual blonde singularity.

The biggest dramas in The Bachelor appear to be happening offscreen as spoilers are getting dropped left and right and the network are rumoured to be getting their lawyers ready.

And sure, it’s not ideal for a reality show to be more exciting in reality that in show, but all publicity is good, especially when things are starting to get to the pointy, heartbreaky, emotional car crashy bit.

This next bit is a bit spoilery, so opt out now if you don’t want to know something you’ve been saying to everyone in your house for at least the last couple of episodes.

You’re warned.

OK?

Three of the contestants were Instagram Live streaming themselves watching the show and getting loose: recent evictees Rachael and Vakoo, who are now a couple, and – significantly – Sorgand.

She is still on the show as far as we mortals know, but whose eventual-if-entirely-predictable fate was seemingly given away by the excitingly take-no-prisoners Rach.

“It’s another Persian chick… She’s about to get kicked out…” Rachael said during the stream before adding “of my house.”

And this, along with Rachael’s claims that her whole giving-her-number-to-a-crew-member subplot was an invention of the show to deliberately knock her out, has reportedly got Channel 10 ready to enforce the non-disclosure agreements which all the participants signed ahead of their appearance on the show.

This delicious drama was rather more compelling than the episode, which saw Matt left with only seven potential love-matches left: six translucently pale blonde women, and Sorgand. So it’s not entirely shocking that she was kicking back and watching the show rather than, say, choosing fonts for the wedding invites. 

But please, before we delve into the episode, please spare a thought for the two women that didn’t get a rose in the new episode of the Bachelor: Mary, and Blonde Woman #8.

A captivating screen presence.

It’s hard to have an emotional response to the news that [checks notes] Nichole was sent on her way, because it wasn’t entirely clear that she was there at all.

She never got a single date, she blended seamlessly into the background of pleasantly attractive white people, and… look, I’m sure she’s lovely.

But Mary! Losing Mary is a tragedy, not least because now how will the audience know how to respond? Who will say “bitch, please” at the barest provocation? And the clicking, from where will we get the clicking?

The show has lost its shining star, frankly.

Anyway: elsewhere in the show there was a lot of acrobatics and pashing with Abbie, and then a weird walk down the Mercure in Sydney and pashing with Chelsie, and then the cocktail party where Sorgand performed an amateur belly dance and look, it wasn’t great.

It’d be great to see a transcript of the production conversation which led to this decisi… actually, no, we can probably guess.

Anyway, next episode sees Bachelor alumni come to give Matt advice and pick a dinner date with one of the girls who they reveal is 25 and GODDAMMIT CAN NO-ONE KEEP A SECRET ANYMORE?

Maybe The Bachelor needs to also keep lawyers on set to control the flow of spoilers next season? Just a suggestion.

The Bachelor Is Rapidly Shedding Contestants While Spilling Plenty Of Tea

Fewer contestants, sure - but far more swears!

You have to feel for The Bachelor and what they would have reasonably thought was going to be a thumping great scandal as the competitor-shedding really ramps up.

What should really have been the big twist – that Rachael was kicked out of the show early for giving her number to a member of the crew, referred to as “Plan B” – was rather ruined by the fact that a) it leaked early and b) her pledge of Instagram love for fellow evictee Vakoo, and steamy public pash pix, was far more interesting in any case. 

Watching her being escorted to the car, blithely giving not the slightest of damns and dropping a parting “you [bleeping] dogs” to the rest of her castmates, was nowhere near as exciting as it should have been thanks to her own big Instagram reveal before this episode.

Not quite the c-dog insult that Monique supposedly dropped but it’s great to see such variety of dog-themed swearing on Australian television.

And then she repeated it on Studio 10 this morning, just in case live TV needed a little bit of f-work of the morning.

And thus the great loss of the episode was actually Nikki, she of the expressive face and reliable reaction shots.

We’re going to miss these.

Obviously she wasn’t going anywhere near victory, having never had a one on one date while Matt’s many crushes on her co-habitants are only getting stronger.

But it’s still a real shame that she’s out of the show, not least because it leaves the entire job of telegraphing the audience what emotion they should be feeling to Mary. Who, to be fair, is absolutely up for it.

Example.

But what else happened? Spoiler: fire and gravity!

Date tip: it’s not Double Dare

A good partner should be up for trying new things and be game for a bit of adventure. That, however, doesn’t necessitate physical challenges like jumping out of planes or waving fire around.

The fire dancing single date with Elly reeked of running out of ideas, since not even Matt could come up with a metaphor for how waving firesticks about was like a relationship. Not even something hacky like “passion is a flame, but a good relationship controls it and neither lets it be extinguished nor be burned”.

See Matt? IT’S NOT DIFFICULT.

I put the same labels on my luggage whenever I travel.

For the group date there was a lumpy metaphor about baggage, with the five ladies writing their greatest relationship fears on suitcases, and then jumping out of a plane because sure, why not?

And Kristen ended up getting a rose because she was openly terrified of leaping from a plane, but didn’t feel she could advocate for her own best interests in the moment. Yay? 

There’s not much dead wood left, though. The Bachelor’s woman-shedding it about to get brutal.

Llamawatch: Oh, turns out they’re not llamas.

No appearance this episode, but apparently they’re alpacas in any case.

Their inclusion in the show still doesn’t make obvious sense, mind, but accurate nomenclature is important.

Whether they’re actually f-in’ alpacas could not be ascertained at press time.

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