So, who will not win The Bachelor? Be honest: in your heart of hearts, you already know.
It’s easy to forget that the show isn’t unfolding in real time before our very eyes, despite the azure skies and balmy evenings where one can lounge around in sleeveless gowns without hypothermia kicking in.
But yes, gentle reader, the die has already been cast. All the evictees have been evicted, The Bachelor has chosen his lady love, and we are merely watching a carefully-curated drama play out before our eyes.
And also, we’ve already established that the winner will almost certainly be a blonde woman because all the non-blondes bar one have been eliminated and, and mentioned previously, the remaining one doesn’t appear long for the show.
So, get ready for some truth bombs such as…
Elly Won’t Win
The entire point of setting up a favourite is to have their shock elimination be a huge shocking shock that shocks people shocked.
So it’s handy having everyone having conversations about how much the favourite she is because there is nothing less exciting than going “she’s going to win!” for weeks and then… her winning.
Abbie Also Won’t Win
As we’ve mentioned before the “villain” of these shows tends to be the first person to correctly realise that this is a competition and start competing accordingly.
And Abbie drew the catty straw this series, playing a vital role in the several dramas in which people left the house for betraying Matt’s trust in various capacities.
But if Elly winning would be unsatisfying, it’s nowhere near as unsatisfying as if Abbie won when the audience have been carefully trained for hate her. They’d be booed in the street!
So who will not not win The Bachelor, then?
Eh, it’s probably Chelsie.
We all assume that, right?