The Bachelor Sure Overestimated The Erotic Thrill Of Stomping On Slugs

Mind you, invertebrates got off more lightly than dogs did this episode.

When I took on The Bachelor beat here I didn’t think we’d be talking slugs and dog swears quite so quickly, but here we are.

Back when Big Brother exploded onto our screens and, in a very real sense, our hearts we learned a fascinating lesson that will serve us well living in our future surveillance state. And that thing is this: when there are cameras everywhere, assume everything in on the record.

So when an emotional Monique – fresh from her (ahem) dogfight over Sydney Harbour with Matt – reacted to the news that Abbie had smooched the heck out of the Bach, and that she was shocked – SHOCKED! – that the dating man on the dating show would datingly flirt with the dating women she used a term which, it’s fair to say, has seldom been used on the genteel airwaves of Australian television.

He’s not angry, just very disappointed.

The term she used and which was then repeated endlessly by everyone – the polite “Dog C-Word” and its bleeped out non-euphemism – deserves its own spinoff, or at the very least to be the new informal term for the Gold Logie.

But first, let’s assess the date and whether or not lasting true love is likely to come from it. And the APS date tip is…

Squelching through fruit is a bad date idea

Matt and Abbie had a whole day together following PashFest2019 last episode, and part of the planned activities was making juices to drink with gin.

Previously on The Bachelor…

Now, drinking things with gin is a great idea and yes, something top shelf with tonic and a slice of cucumber, thanks, but juice making is one of those things that isn’t nearly as fun as you think it’s going to be.

It sounds sort of earthy and provincially romantic, crushing fruit with one’s feet, but it’s arguable that the sensation of fruit pulp under one’s toenails isn’t quite the groin-tingling thrill one might assume.

When your date literally compares it to “cold slugs squishing around your feet” you know you’re onto a non-winner, The Bachelor.

Pictured: ewwwww.

Also, if you’re going to jokingly ask someone to taste the subsequent foot juice, don’t then go on and on and on about how stupid they were for agreeing. Especially if they’re, say, on a televised competitive dating show. Then you look like a bit of a jerk, Matt.

Mind you, the other date on this episode involved shoving a fake pearl into an oyster to encourage it to secrete up a real one, so maybe don’t look to this show for real-world date options.

Whatever this is.

Anyway: at the end of the date Abbie told the Mattchelor about Monique’s mean canine-themed words and that set up Act 3 nicely.

Life lesson: don’t go humiliating other adults you barely know, especially if you want them to like you

There is definitely a time when it’s reasonable to have a frank and open exchange of views and to call someone to account for what they may or may not have said.

It is not with a bunch of women you barely know, lounging around in cocktail gowns ready to get their flirt on and being unwillingly drawn instead into a she-said-she-said schoolyard drama over whether Monique dissed him.

And yes, it’s a high-emotion situation but honestly: calling in grown women to demand to know if someone was mean about you is a weird flex.

Gather ’round for a scoldin’, ladies!

Anyway, we’ve seen slug stomping, dog swearing and the admonishment of a group of women by The Bachelor. Television, this is your golden age.

Llamawatch: a tragic dearth of llamas

I know, this episode was in exotic Gosford rather than the Bachelor Mansion And Ungulate Menagerie, but even so: I hope the llama is OK. Can… can someone check?

A Creepy Guy Wearing A TV Is Leaving TVs On People’s Porches And Why Isn’t This Already A Horror Film

If they come to life and start attacking people, don't say you weren't warned.

There’s something very, very unsettling about people with no face creeping around at night doing inexplicable things. So the news that there’s a creepy guy with a TV for a head roaming the suburbs of Virginia depositing analogue televisions sets seems… look, we don’t like it.

So far around 60 people have awoken to find a gift of an old school TV outside their door, but it’s the fact that he (?) has the head of a supervillain which concerns us.

People are describing him (?) as a prankster, but we’ve seen enough 80s horror films to know that the TVs are cursed and that they will come alive on Halloween to kill and kill again.

“I can’t think of any technology or political point that would be valid here,” one recipient, Jim Brooksbank, told a local radio station. “It’s just a senseless prank.”


The Cable Guy, Redux

In any case, the ABC has reported that the superprankstervillain may be liable for charges under the state’s dumping laws. Which is simply proof that Creepy TV Head Guy is operating outside of society, goading Johnny Law to come and have a go.

In any case, anyone planning a horror film which is a thinly veiled metaphor about how screens are turning humans into mindless zombies, here’s your premise.

We suggest calling him “Screentime” but are willing to take notes on that.

The Bachelor Doesn't Fear A Mid-Date Vomit And You Kind Of Have To Admire That

We're going to dive deep into the Bachelor, via the least bachelory member of the GOAT team

First up: dear reader, I have been chosen to glean life lessons from The Bachelor, much as the soothsayers of old divined the future by looking at the entrails of slaughtered animals.

This journey should be very exciting for me because as GOAT’s token married parent I’m smugly in possession of that lasting relationship thingie that all the competitors are ostensibly vying for with Matt The Astrophysicist, and also legitimately confused by the notion of gladiatorial dating.

So to get up to speed before tonight’s much-hyped STORM OFF! episode, I watched the last one. And yes I’m late to the party but I would like to offer the following APS Date tip:

Go for a low-vomit risk first date

I’ve come in late and missed the dozen people already eliminated – man, this show does not muck around, huh? – but did catch Matt and Monique going for their much-ballyhooed first date: a high speed aerial pursuit in stunt planes.


It’s admittedly been a while since I dated someone for the first time, but as a rule going for a puke-free activity is a good strategy. Also, I’d recommend not being in seperate vehicles – just in case things go a bit Goose In Top Gun.

So if someone says “hey, want go into a tiny two seater death plane and do barrel rolls over Sydney Harbour?” maybe suggest a casual coffee instead?

After all, throwing up from sheer vertiginous terror in the skies really is more a third date thing.

Life lesson: how to survive eight Gs of pressure

If it feels like you’re blacking out, “Tense up your stomach and flex your glutes, that’ll push the blood back up to your head.”

That was the advice handed out by the flight instructor after warning that they might experience up to eight times the force of gravity during their flight. It’s possible he mistook “astrophysicist” for “astronaut”.

[insert Danger Zone here]

And look, blacking out is not something which you want to happen on a first date, but if you’re in that situation it’s definitely worth knowing. Thanks, the Bachelor!

Llamawatch: a llama is present and looking knowing on the lawn

To be clear, I’m delighted that Twitter is as confused by the inclusion of a llama in the show as am I.

Why? WHY?

I’m hoping that the twist is that the llama is the REAL Bachelor, or that the final date involves successfully training it to present a rose, or something.

I believe it was Chekhov who wrote that if you put a llama on the lawn in Act One, it must be fired by Act Three.

Tomorrow we will explore what I assume will be trending as #Stormoffgate, so please check back in.

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