The Bachelor Shows Why We Never Get Over Our High School Romance

B-b-but she said a mean thing! MISS! MIIIIIISSSSSSSS!

We all think that we’re sophisticated modern adults but when it comes to dating it’s clear that we barely have to scratch the surface and we’re still in high school wanting the popular kids to like us. And goddamn if The Bachelor isn’t exactly that.

And it’s understandable – after all, love is about vulnerability and is there any time we’re feeling more vulnerable than while puberty’s doing a number on our brains, hearts and genitals?

Anyway: everyone in this episode is a child and it’s just weird. That’s the TL;DR version.

There was a real life food fight. Honestly, it’s amazing Matt didn’t just bellow SPRING BREAK WHOOOOO! in the middle of it.

Life lesson: everything I needed to learn about love I learned in year nine

Even the dynamic is similar, at least for the women: a group of would-be strangers forced into close proximity with one another, competing over romantic conquests despite objectively deserving better, and dividing off into little cliques of rapidly shifting alliances, with the ultimate prize being a cheeky pash when no-one’s around.

And Matt is doing it too, right down to the frankly pitiful act of going around demanding to know who said what about him, as though he’s a detective solving The Case Of The Thing The Mean Girl Said About Me.

That was the fallout from last episode, in which Monique supposedly called him a “dog see-you-next-Tuesday” (to use the Matt’s preferred euphemism).

And of course, in the real world someone would go “hey, what was that about?” “Oh, I’m really sorry: it was a bad joke taken out of context.” “Oh, OK, so we’re good?” “Absolutely, I’m really embarrassed, let’s have a drink.”

But in the heightened sleep away camp that is the Bachelor everything is a HIGH STAKES SCHOOL YARD DRAMA, since this is television and you can see normal people being reasonable every day on a bus which is a) boring and b) doesn’t have Mary and Nikki acting as the audience surrogate by wildly over-emoting to literally everything.

And the thing is, Matt wasn’t even wrong to send Monique packing – which he did, even without the rose ceremony – since someone that lousy at coping with a basic faux pas isn’t someone you want to be teaming up with to face the stupid challenges of day to day life.

Also, watching a 26 year old sneering about how immature 23 year olds are is exactly like watching year nines mocking year eights for still being into Shopkins when everyone knows that all the cool kids are playing with Slime now.

Date tip: don’t involve catapults

No. Just no.

But at least he’s not getting a bunch of women to dress up as brides for him or anyt…


Llamawatch: nothing to report

We’re back at the mansion and the Bachelor Pad and yet no sign of the llama, presumably because it’s sick of these high school shenanigans too? We can only speculate.

In the vacuum of llama-related news we can only assume it now has a spinoff series where it fights crime. Tagline: “this summer, ‘drama’ is spelled with two Ls. And no D or R.”

Also, please make Mary the llama’s sidekick.

80s Classic St Elmo’s Fire Is Getting A Series And They Might As Well Cast The Ageless Rob Lowe As A Teen Again

As long as it has that song as the theme we're totally on board.

St Elmo’s Fire is getting a series, which is exciting news for people that remember the 80s and probably not even a thing for anyone else.

That’s not entirely unreasonable since it was an eighties film which is better remembered for who was in it, which was every young star of the period, than the plot or setting which was… um, a place with some… people, who did… stuff?

It did, however, have an awesome theme which sounds like the 80s was compressed and turned into a single song.

Yet it was the archetypical 80s teen film, starring a fair slab of the Hollywood “brat pack” of the day: Emilio Estevez, Rob Lowe, Andrew McCarthy, Demi Moore, Judd Nelson, Ally Sheedy, and… um, Mare Winningham. Think The Breakfast Club, but about three years later – and the titular Fire is the name of the bar out at which they hang.

The film is actually about a bunch of recent graduates getting adult responsibilities and growing up, from back when recent graduates did that. Although some magnificent person slipped this not-entirely-accurate line into the Wikipedia description:

I’m not saying it wouldn’t improve the film, mind.

Anyways: it’s getting a TV series, obviously, since we live in an epoch where everything is a remake, a reboot, a sequel, a prequel or some terrifying hybrid of all four.

US network NBC has it in development with CSI/Drop Dead Diva‘s Josh Berman writing the thing. And hell, they could just cast the eerily ageless Rob Lowe right back into the Billy Hicks role.

For a start, they presumably know his number since Parks and Recreation was a NBC joint. And also, just look at him. Dude is clearly a vampire, just like Paul Rudd.


Honestly, the only thing that’s changed in the last thirty-four years is his hairstyle. And there are still members of Duran Duran around who can tease it back to his ’85 glory, surely?

Anyway, we think a show in which young people deal with the pressures of adulthood and fighting every night against Rob Lowe and his vast undead armies of the night would be one hell of a show.

The Bachelor Sure Overestimated The Erotic Thrill Of Stomping On Slugs

Mind you, invertebrates got off more lightly than dogs did this episode.

When I took on The Bachelor beat here I didn’t think we’d be talking slugs and dog swears quite so quickly, but here we are.

Back when Big Brother exploded onto our screens and, in a very real sense, our hearts we learned a fascinating lesson that will serve us well living in our future surveillance state. And that thing is this: when there are cameras everywhere, assume everything in on the record.

So when an emotional Monique – fresh from her (ahem) dogfight over Sydney Harbour with Matt – reacted to the news that Abbie had smooched the heck out of the Bach, and that she was shocked – SHOCKED! – that the dating man on the dating show would datingly flirt with the dating women she used a term which, it’s fair to say, has seldom been used on the genteel airwaves of Australian television.

He’s not angry, just very disappointed.

The term she used and which was then repeated endlessly by everyone – the polite “Dog C-Word” and its bleeped out non-euphemism – deserves its own spinoff, or at the very least to be the new informal term for the Gold Logie.

But first, let’s assess the date and whether or not lasting true love is likely to come from it. And the APS date tip is…

Squelching through fruit is a bad date idea

Matt and Abbie had a whole day together following PashFest2019 last episode, and part of the planned activities was making juices to drink with gin.

Previously on The Bachelor…

Now, drinking things with gin is a great idea and yes, something top shelf with tonic and a slice of cucumber, thanks, but juice making is one of those things that isn’t nearly as fun as you think it’s going to be.

It sounds sort of earthy and provincially romantic, crushing fruit with one’s feet, but it’s arguable that the sensation of fruit pulp under one’s toenails isn’t quite the groin-tingling thrill one might assume.

When your date literally compares it to “cold slugs squishing around your feet” you know you’re onto a non-winner, The Bachelor.

Pictured: ewwwww.

Also, if you’re going to jokingly ask someone to taste the subsequent foot juice, don’t then go on and on and on about how stupid they were for agreeing. Especially if they’re, say, on a televised competitive dating show. Then you look like a bit of a jerk, Matt.

Mind you, the other date on this episode involved shoving a fake pearl into an oyster to encourage it to secrete up a real one, so maybe don’t look to this show for real-world date options.

Whatever this is.

Anyway: at the end of the date Abbie told the Mattchelor about Monique’s mean canine-themed words and that set up Act 3 nicely.

Life lesson: don’t go humiliating other adults you barely know, especially if you want them to like you

There is definitely a time when it’s reasonable to have a frank and open exchange of views and to call someone to account for what they may or may not have said.

It is not with a bunch of women you barely know, lounging around in cocktail gowns ready to get their flirt on and being unwillingly drawn instead into a she-said-she-said schoolyard drama over whether Monique dissed him.

And yes, it’s a high-emotion situation but honestly: calling in grown women to demand to know if someone was mean about you is a weird flex.

Gather ’round for a scoldin’, ladies!

Anyway, we’ve seen slug stomping, dog swearing and the admonishment of a group of women by The Bachelor. Television, this is your golden age.

Llamawatch: a tragic dearth of llamas

I know, this episode was in exotic Gosford rather than the Bachelor Mansion And Ungulate Menagerie, but even so: I hope the llama is OK. Can… can someone check?

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