Bleats

The Bachelor Gets Pregnant Women To Play Matchmaker While He Chucks A Ball Around

The Handball's Tale

Before we get into how Matt enjoyed some ball play while pregnant women selected his date for him, let’s check in with the verdict.

In short, we’re now down to an all-blonde final six. Goodnight, Sogand, and flights of uncomfortable belly dancers sing thee to thy rest. 

Look, she was impressively game. Salut, Sogand.

This episode featured the much-vaunted Return Of The Previous Bachelors, Matty Johnson and Sam Wood, who gave Matt priceless advice like that it was hard and that he should choose a lady that he likes: searing insights from men who have been there, done that, and up-knocked their chosen Bachette.

And it was those two visibly pregnant former winners – Laura Byrne and Snezana Markoski – who were dispatched over to the ladies’ house to find Matt a date by interrogating the women.

Meanwhile, the dudes tossed a football around and chatted about chicks. 

In terms of compelling drama, it was a lacklustre first act. But it did provide a snapshot of the state of emotional labour divided by gender in 2019 Australia: get the women to the hard yards while the blokes hang out and jawbone.

The winner of the date was Helena, who took the advice she received from the former Bachettes seriously – and gave an indication of what all dates from here on in will look like in that it was little more than running through future plan checklists.

That contrasted with the solo date, which was off to a chocolatiers with Emma and yet another of Matt’s standard smearing-stuff-on-women moments. Honestly, it’s a thing.

That’s chocolate, just to be clear.

Life Lesson: Society Sure Puts The Zap On Women’s Heads, Huh?

But the real lesson of this episode is that wow, people do not appreciate the degree to which women are conditioned by society to be deferential and put their interests last, and also that this reticence to advocate for oneself can be manipulated by people who are suitably ruthless.

Case in point: two private date cards were handed out by the show’s charmingly amoral angel-demon Osher Günsberg, with the instructions that the women were to decide among themselves who would get them before disappearing, evidently fighting the urge to cackle maniacally as he went.

Honestly, Osh, you’re a shoo-in for the villain in a Saw reboot. Thank heavens he didn’t throw a blade on the table as he departed.

And Sogand took one with little objection from the rest of the crew, but then there was a masterclass in manipulation as Elly – dear, sweet nurse Elly! The one whose career is literally all about bringing comfort to others! – was convinced to willingly hand over her date card to Abbie after the latter told her how very, very much she really deserved it.

That moment where Elly realised just how badly she was duped was perhaps the most heartbreaking yet in a show which is only going to get more fraught. 

Especially given how obviously, overwhelmingly, slightly discomfitingly besotted Emma is, and how bad that comedown is going to be if she doesn’t win…

And also, just in case we haven’t made this point enough: pregnant women doing the work, man playing ball.

Alpacawatch: They gambolling!

Might be time for a trim, guys.

Oh, you beautiful ungulates, cavorting and capering on the Bachie lawns, presumably doing pungent dumps which some poor intern has to gather up…

Look, it’s just great to see them out and about, eating grass, having a whale of a time, being relieved they’re not really involved in this kerfuffle. 

The Bachie Ladies Think Elly Is The Favourite, But The Odds Favour Another Lookalike Blonde

Place your bets!

Australians, we are assured, love to bet on pretty much everything and naturally you can plonk some dollars down on the Bachie winner – but be advised that the odds are not on the woman whom the show is positioning as the supposed favourite.

It turns out that there’s a pretty strong difference between who the contestants think is heading for Matt-love, and those that the viewers do.

This is coming out in the betting markets which do no have Elly boasting the shortest odds. In fact, you might say that the whole narrative about Elly being the favourite was an obvious misdirect by the show adhering to the rules of reality TV drama – oh, hold on, we did say exactly that!

Sportsbet‘s punters clearly disagree with the claims that Elly is the favourite to win: she (and Abbie) are on $6.50 to win while Chelsie is far and away the assumed winner on $1.30.

If you’re looking for long odds your best bet is a repeat of last season and there being no winner: that’ll pay out $51. Of course, it’d also kill the franchise so presumably they’re hoping that lightning doesn’t strike twice.

And sure, you could go for one of the rank outsiders but widely-published gossip has already suggested which of the tail-end contestants is heading to freedom next episode.

Now, before you figure it’s all over bar the shouting it’s worth pointing out that the markets – and, more accurately, the people – have gotten it wrong before.

Exhibit A: the last federal election which was assumed to be such a walkover win for Labor that some betting agencies paid out early and then presumably felt a bit silly when the Coalition comfortably won.

So sure, Elly isn’t the obvious victor in Bachie 2019 according to the odds but just on principle, who wants to bet on the favourite? No-one, that’s who.

So it’s anyone’s game! Possibly!

Is It Even Possible To Keep The Bachelor Verdict Secret In 2019?

Reality shows go to some crazy extremes to keep their secrets.

We’re still a couple of weeks off the final of The Bachelor but even at this remove it’s hard to imagine that the verdict will remain secret for long.

So revel in this brief window of ignorance, dear friends, before I ruin everything for you below. Or flee now. Now!

You’ve been warned.

See, there are just so many evictees, all of whom are young, active on social media and getting a lot of attention.

And while there have been suggestions of legal crackdowns on the non-disclosure agreements the participants have signed, it’s possible that the horse has already bolted.

It turns out that keeping spoilers under wraps for major TV shows is done the old fashioned way: with threats. And maybe that’s not enough any more.

In the US, where budgets are larger, they have a few other tricks up their sleeve. For one thing, they can afford to hide contestants away until the show finishes (Amazing Race and Survivor losers are reportedly sent to an “undisclosed location”, which sounds incredibly ominous), while Project Runway deliberately held multiple Fashion Week shows to conceal who’d been eliminated before the screening date.  

And according to an Elle piece from 2016, that happily ever after ending for Australian Bachelor winners is a little delayed – as in, the presumably happy couple are forbidden from meeting for months after filming wraps until the show has aired.

Which sounds like a perfectly enforceable condition for grown adults who’ve just pledged their love to each other.

That same article had the tasty snippet that the show also enlisted the help of the Indonesian military to keep paparazzi away from the Bali set lest they spoil the final Rose Ceremony. And heck, that must have been a real thrill for the people who joined the army with dreams of dedicating their lives to protecting and serving their nation.

However in Australia really the only weapon which the shows have these days is the threat of an NDA lawsuit. 

And it should be a strong deterrent, but it only really works if the person doing the leaking is from the show and mouthing off (which hasn’t not-happened so far) and not if, say, a private WhatsApp group is somehow accessed and Women’s Day then merrily print an article about a convo between what seems like the final three which strongly indicates which one won.

Consider yourself warned, humans.

And… look, you’ve read this far and you probably want to know who they are, and it’s… are you ready for this?

…Abbie, Helena and Chelsie. And that’s just part of the verdict which isn’t a secret anymore on The Bachelor!

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