Bleats

The Bachelor Doesn't Fear A Mid-Date Vomit And You Kind Of Have To Admire That

We're going to dive deep into the Bachelor, via the least bachelory member of the GOAT team

First up: dear reader, I have been chosen to glean life lessons from The Bachelor, much as the soothsayers of old divined the future by looking at the entrails of slaughtered animals.

This journey should be very exciting for me because as GOAT’s token married parent I’m smugly in possession of that lasting relationship thingie that all the competitors are ostensibly vying for with Matt The Astrophysicist, and also legitimately confused by the notion of gladiatorial dating.

So to get up to speed before tonight’s much-hyped STORM OFF! episode, I watched the last one. And yes I’m late to the party but I would like to offer the following APS Date tip:

Go for a low-vomit risk first date

I’ve come in late and missed the dozen people already eliminated – man, this show does not muck around, huh? – but did catch Matt and Monique going for their much-ballyhooed first date: a high speed aerial pursuit in stunt planes.

“SO, DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?”

It’s admittedly been a while since I dated someone for the first time, but as a rule going for a puke-free activity is a good strategy. Also, I’d recommend not being in seperate vehicles – just in case things go a bit Goose In Top Gun.

So if someone says “hey, want go into a tiny two seater death plane and do barrel rolls over Sydney Harbour?” maybe suggest a casual coffee instead?

After all, throwing up from sheer vertiginous terror in the skies really is more a third date thing.

Life lesson: how to survive eight Gs of pressure

If it feels like you’re blacking out, “Tense up your stomach and flex your glutes, that’ll push the blood back up to your head.”

That was the advice handed out by the flight instructor after warning that they might experience up to eight times the force of gravity during their flight. It’s possible he mistook “astrophysicist” for “astronaut”.

[insert Danger Zone here]

And look, blacking out is not something which you want to happen on a first date, but if you’re in that situation it’s definitely worth knowing. Thanks, the Bachelor!

Llamawatch: a llama is present and looking knowing on the lawn

To be clear, I’m delighted that Twitter is as confused by the inclusion of a llama in the show as am I.

Why? WHY?

I’m hoping that the twist is that the llama is the REAL Bachelor, or that the final date involves successfully training it to present a rose, or something.

I believe it was Chekhov who wrote that if you put a llama on the lawn in Act One, it must be fired by Act Three.

Tomorrow we will explore what I assume will be trending as #Stormoffgate, so please check back in.

If The New Bachelor Is An Astrophysicist Does That Mean He Knows My Star Sign? And Other Questions

Look, it's a roundabout way to get more science on TV but we'll take it.

Melbournian Matt Agnew is the titular Bachelor in the Channel 10 show of the same name, and much is being made of the fact that he’s an astrophysicist.

But what even is that, and how does an interest in space relate to the pursuit of lurve? Glad you asked!

What does an astrophysicist actually… you know, do?

They study the physical and chemical makeup of the universe in order to answer fundamental questions about the cosmos. It’s a fascinating career, and there’s never been a more exciting time to be doing it – so, if anything, he shouldn’t be dating on TV when there’s data from LIGO that needs poring over.

Does that mean he knows my star sign?

That’s astrology, which isn’t science, and not astronomy which is science. Also, you just need a calendar to work out someone’s star sign.

Also, it’s garbage.

But yeah, probably.

OK, fine. What was his favourite NASA mission?

The Pathfinder mission to Mars in 1997, according to his pre-interview. Which, to be fair, is a pretty cool one: it had the Sojourner rover which was the precursor to all the subsequent planet-roaming robots.

He’s also very keen on finding other Earthlike planets, so is probably all over the current exoplanet surveys.

Mars, being pathfound.

Wait, have we found any of those?

Not yet. We’ve found a couple which are close-ish; there’s one called Kepler-452b that’s about 1.2 times as big as Earth and about the same distance from its star, but we don’t know much about it yet.

It’s also 1400 light years away, so not exactly next door.

Hold on, was this an excuse to force me to learn something about science?

Definitely not, perish the though. OK, yes.

How will we know he’s a scientist if he’s not in a white coat and holding a test tube?

Why… why would an astrophysicist have a test tube? They don’t do experiments with sun-juice, you know.

Will he be pepper his Rose Ceremony statements with lame puns about space?

Almost certainly.

If star signs aren’t a thing, why was NASA’s pre-Apollo mission called Gemini, huh?

[angry silence]

What should a potential partner ask him?

His thoughts on recent theories that all elements heavier than iron are created in neutron star collisions, and whether that sort of ruins the romance of the whole “we are all made of stars” thing or makes it HEAPS MORE AWESOME.

Or, you know, how he’s doing. Either’s good.

Will his mission to love solve any fundamental questions about our place in the universe?

Absolutely. Provided that the winning bachelorettes is an organic chemist specialising in extreme environments for life, or an engineer with senior qualifications in aeronautics.

Sure, not everyone would hanker for a finale that ends with a project proposal being submitted to a funding body, but we’d watch the hell out of that show.

God Is Set To Destroy Sydney At 9pm Tonight Because Apparently Even He Isn't Missing The Bachelor For Anything

Look, God enjoys His guilty pleasures as much as the rest of us.

One of the most thankless jobs in the world is predicting the end of the world. After all, if you’re wrong everyone laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs at you, and if you’re right then you don’t even get to do the I Told You So thing.

Of course, that’s yet to happen. Hence the laughter.

So: starting a few weeks ago Sydney residents were greeted with photocopied flyers warning that at 9pm on Thursday 20 September – WHY, THIS VERY NIGHT! – a massive tidal wave was going to wipe Sydney off the map, taking out the Harbour Bridge, washing Bondi off the map and destroying coastal towns from Newcastle to Nowra.

That tidal wave will be followed by an earthquake which will destroy Newtown. Although, arguably, the effect of the CBD lock outs already did that.

Seems legit.

But the detail that’s perhaps most telling is the time, which is very specific. It’s also just under four hours after high tide, so not an ideal time for a massive devastating flood but y’know, God has His own schedule. Honestly, make it easy on yourself, big guy.

And how do we know this is happening?

He has, according to said flyer, been revealing His plans through visions and dreams – which is a very roundabout way to get the message to the faithful, you might think, especially for an omnipotent being. My mum’s powers are distinctly limited, but even she knows how to do a Facebook invitation.

Meanwhile, in Manly…

Similarly, it’s hard to work out what the person with the flyers is thinking. After all, if God was keen for the non-faithful to be aware then He’d be very annoyed about the warnings going out.

And if the idea is to let Sydney know that they need to flee and/or repent, then anonymous flyers doesn’t seem like the ideal marketing strategy to get a mainstream message across. Maybe He needs to chat with an agency about strategies?

But let’s be honest: if God really WAS going to destroy Sydney with a massive tsunami, would He wait until after tonight’s episode of The Bachelor?

That, most of all, seems distinctly off-message.

#Trending

Show More Show Less

Follow Us