And so it ends, not with a bang (or even a dry hump) but with a giggle. Yes, The Bachelor has finished with the outcome which Australia saw coming a mile off: Matt Agnew pledged his love to Chelsie McLeod, the finalist which Australia liked, and then the show ended abruptly. Romance!
And kudos to Channel 10 who did exactly what we recommended by seeding the media with rumours that the relationship had ended and that Matt was back in the arms of Abbie, the seductive villain of the piece – who, as we said, should totally have won.
And that was the only real drama in a contest where the betting markets had Chelsie as a lock for over a month, where the perfectly nice seeming people seem perfectly happy, and where high school science teachers all over the nation are desperately trying to spin the love between an astrophysicist and a chemical engineer into proof that maths is sexy and cool.
Because oh, the outcry that would have erupted if he’d chosen Abbie. There would have been a national intervention. All their media appearances would have been via webcam in a secure but undisclosed location.
And yes, there was no way that was happening because of the way the show was very obviously edited to evoke a specific reaction from viewers. If you want to know how propaganda works, reality TV editing is a masterclass.
Given that the ending was so comprehensively telegraphed it’s amazing that we still had to go to South Africa, sit through travelougue shots of hippos, giraffes, lions and, of course, the noble Greater Pissing Warthog.
And there was a bit of a bait-and-switch by having Chelsie shown to meet with Osher before Abbie, which is traditionally the runner up’s role before getting dumped on television. And because TV is all about giving people what they want, the section in which Matt dashed Abbie’s hopes was significantly longer than the bit where he told the pretty scientist he loved her.
For the record, Abbie’s response was pretty classy. Kiss on the cheek, no big drama, some pretty reasonable “hmmph”s.
She’s definitely going to get some high-profile gig out of this, though. Surely Neighbours needs a sexy new bad girl to come to Erinsborough and spice things up?
Anyway, the important thing is that Australia got the winning finalist we liked, and that we’ve gotten through it all together. And after all, isn’t that the greatest love of all?