Bleats

No One Froths On The Bachelor (And Bachie Trolls) More Than Osher Günsberg

Love what you do and you'll never work a day in your life.

There are many things which I have learned about the world and myself by watching The Bachelor, and most of them are “goddamn I am glad that I am married”, but also it’s this: Osher Günsberg is very, very good on Twitter.

In fact, I’ve developed an unexpected new respect for Mr G and his Twitter game, which is rakishly on point.

See, in a world when most public figures tend to be as anodyne as possible as though horrified at the thought of expressing an opinion, Osher is happy to offer some (gentle, reasonable) pushback when people drag his show.

Or one-upping people’s sassy digs:

Or talking through the production specifics of making television:

…including how his job works

It also works as a poem.

But even so, it doesn’t stop him taking a moment to bask in the wonder of the show as a viewer.

And heaven help you if you dare level the slightest of doubts about the authenticity of Osher Günsberg his love of Survivor, which makes his love of The Bachelor pale in comparison. Dude legitimately froths on it, make no mistake.

Mr Günsberg, we salute your efforts. Everyone else in television, consider your social media, compare it with Osher’s, and make the necessary adjustments. We’ll wait.

The Bachelor Is Proof That Aussies Can't And Won't Stop Swearing

It's in our blood.

As you’d be aware the nation remains gripped in the scandal that rocked television and our very hearts: did Monique say that The Bachelor was a dog c***, and is she a hero for her singularly Aussie grasp of swearing?

“See, what I meant was…”

Now, it’s worth pointing out that she is maintaining her innocence on this matter, insisting that she didn’t use the term despite having left the show over it, and also despite everyone else claiming they heard her say it.

And her shocked – SHOCKED! – insistence that she would never use such language is somewhat undercut by how free and easy she is with the use of the casual f-bomb on the show.

But that’s also true of just about everyone else – to the point where they don’t even bother bleeping “s***” anymore. Australians all, let us rejoice!

“Actually, don’t worry about it.”

Even Vogue took up the matter this week, interviewing Monique and fellow evictee Vakoo, and she admitted that “I definitely swear but it’s always jokingly. I don’t think I said it how she said it and I will continue to say that I don’t think that I said that sentence.”

And how archetypically Aussie is that, swearing so freely and casually that you can’t even remember what profanity you said while being filmed for a nationally broadcast television show like, say, The Bachelor?

“Just drop me off up here, I’m good.”

And while other nations do swear freely and often, it’s telling that Monique drew attention for using the c-word – the nuclear option of swearing in just about every other place on the planet, but a legitimate term of affection here.

As the old saying goes, calling someone it means you think they’re a mate, whereas calling someone “mate” often means you think they’re a… well, you get the idea.

In any case: Monique might have ridden from the show on the dog’s… um, back, but we are confident that the proud tradition of Australian swearsmanship will be upheld by other tipsy women who forget that cameras are rolling.

We swear by it.

The Bachelor Shows Why We Never Get Over Our High School Romance

B-b-but she said a mean thing! MISS! MIIIIIISSSSSSSS!

We all think that we’re sophisticated modern adults but when it comes to dating it’s clear that we barely have to scratch the surface and we’re still in high school wanting the popular kids to like us. And goddamn if The Bachelor isn’t exactly that.

And it’s understandable – after all, love is about vulnerability and is there any time we’re feeling more vulnerable than while puberty’s doing a number on our brains, hearts and genitals?

Anyway: everyone in this episode is a child and it’s just weird. That’s the TL;DR version.

There was a real life food fight. Honestly, it’s amazing Matt didn’t just bellow SPRING BREAK WHOOOOO! in the middle of it.

Life lesson: everything I needed to learn about love I learned in year nine

Even the dynamic is similar, at least for the women: a group of would-be strangers forced into close proximity with one another, competing over romantic conquests despite objectively deserving better, and dividing off into little cliques of rapidly shifting alliances, with the ultimate prize being a cheeky pash when no-one’s around.

And Matt is doing it too, right down to the frankly pitiful act of going around demanding to know who said what about him, as though he’s a detective solving The Case Of The Thing The Mean Girl Said About Me.

That was the fallout from last episode, in which Monique supposedly called him a “dog see-you-next-Tuesday” (to use the Matt’s preferred euphemism).

And of course, in the real world someone would go “hey, what was that about?” “Oh, I’m really sorry: it was a bad joke taken out of context.” “Oh, OK, so we’re good?” “Absolutely, I’m really embarrassed, let’s have a drink.”

But in the heightened sleep away camp that is the Bachelor everything is a HIGH STAKES SCHOOL YARD DRAMA, since this is television and you can see normal people being reasonable every day on a bus which is a) boring and b) doesn’t have Mary and Nikki acting as the audience surrogate by wildly over-emoting to literally everything.

And the thing is, Matt wasn’t even wrong to send Monique packing – which he did, even without the rose ceremony – since someone that lousy at coping with a basic faux pas isn’t someone you want to be teaming up with to face the stupid challenges of day to day life.

Also, watching a 26 year old sneering about how immature 23 year olds are is exactly like watching year nines mocking year eights for still being into Shopkins when everyone knows that all the cool kids are playing with Slime now.

Date tip: don’t involve catapults

No. Just no.

But at least he’s not getting a bunch of women to dress up as brides for him or anyt…

SERIOUSLY MAN COME ON.

Llamawatch: nothing to report

We’re back at the mansion and the Bachelor Pad and yet no sign of the llama, presumably because it’s sick of these high school shenanigans too? We can only speculate.

In the vacuum of llama-related news we can only assume it now has a spinoff series where it fights crime. Tagline: “this summer, ‘drama’ is spelled with two Ls. And no D or R.”

Also, please make Mary the llama’s sidekick.

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