Bleats

It's Just Dawned On The Bachelor's Contestants That Now It's Every Dame For Herself

So it turns out that this competitive dating contest is a competition?

This week would appear to be the tipping point where it finally dawned on the Bachelor dames that this reality dating competition is a competition and that they’re going to need to stop treating it as a chance to hang out with other attractive women and compare gowns.

Mind you, this mainly manifested in various to-camera statements about how Abbie is trying to take out her competition in order to win which… did anyone explain the show to these people?

Say what you will about Abbie: she gets it.

Anyway: the issue for anyone with an empathetic bone in their skeleton is that people are starting to fixate on Matt, the only male in their lives that isn’t Osher Günsberg, with a cult-like intensity.

And that means that seeing people who care about the outcome get hurt increasingly badly is going to be pretty difficult from here on in.

Life Lesson: Don’t Be Deferential When You’re Forced Into A Winner-Takes-All Battle For Survival

By and large we salute politeness and courtesy here at GOAT, but it was instructive to see how the automatic socialised response to be deferential and not big-note oneself put women at a disadvantage in the group “date”.

In a nutshell, women had to rate their own qualities – for example, whether they were honest or dishonest – and line up accordingly. Because telling women that they need to rate themselves against one another is a thing we’re doing on TV now, it would appear.

“Rate yourselves, ladies!”

What happened, obviously, was that the pushiest people went “yep I’m heaps honest” and plonked themselves at number one. Abbie, in other words. And everyone else went “um, well, I like to think of myself as an honest person…” and then realised they were already outplayed.

Long story short: it was brutal. But then Bree and Abbie won, although that win turned out to be not quite as winny as you’d think.

Date Tip: Date People With Which You Have At Least A Single Thing In Common

Sure, finally everyone has realised that they need to compete to win a Matt. Except that is problematic because they’re also ostensibly competing for A Forever Love With The One Of Their Dreams, and those are two non-identical goals.

And as Bree made very, very, very clear in their little one-on-one, Matt’s not the right dude for her – at least, in that she merrily blurted out that she’s not looking for short-terms plans, much less marriage and a family, despite Matt making abundantly clear that that’s his whole thing.

“Sorry, and you are…?”

So on the one hand, she totally blew her chance and was sent home; but on the other – thank heavens she was so clear because otherwise she’d be in for a really awkward convo once the cameras stopped rolling.

And finally: Emma, we understand this is a television programme and that you can hardly say “oh my god, what a lovely gift the production team had made for me, please pass on my thanks to the crew!” on camera during your one-on-one date, but maybe tone down your tear-filled praise for how thoughtful a gift you’ve been given.

Matt’s clearly trapped in a house just like you are; he’s not popping out to artisanal markets to commission bespoke wood art.

Llamawatch: it’s back!

It’s OK everyone: after being absent from our screens for a few episodes the llama is safe, healthy, and still sitting on the lawn. Oh god, I was worried. SO WORRIED.

Mind you… it doesn’t appear to have moved. In fact, it appears to be an uncannily similar shot from a previous episode.

Maybe this is old footage to try to conceal the horrible truth CHANNEL 10 WHAT ARE YOU NOT TELLING US? #showusthellama

Getting Bachelor-Ripped Means Applying Maths To Food Which Sounds Exhausting

Numbers and diet, together at last.

Matt Agnew, as in The Bachelor, is a very ripped man. And this is something which isn’t immediately obvious since everyone on television is basically attractive and thin, but then you see his arms and involuntarily declare DEAR GOD SIR ARE THOSE GUNS REGISTERED?

And he’s explained to Ten Daily how he has achieved this level of ripped, and it involves lots of weights, not eating breakfast, and maths.

So: first up, he runs and lifts weights four times a week, which is approximately loads more than I’m prepared to do for anything, and is why I have the physique of a half deflated balloon while he looks like an action figure.

But it’s his approach to portion control that takes things into the realms of algebra:

“I’m pretty mathematical with my approach, so I generally weigh out everything and measure it all. It’s not necessary to be so diligent, but I think it’s good to do it even for a week or two just to help you get an idea of portion sizes and things like that.”‘

And… look, that sounds very sensible and smart but some of us get home at weird times of the day and have things going on, Matt, we can’t be wasting time setting up a countertop lab.

Of course, the dude’s a scientist so maybe he just has those things lying around. In any case, you want to get as ripped as Matt, you need to start Bachelor-measuring stuff more often.

No One Froths On The Bachelor (And Bachie Trolls) More Than Osher Günsberg

Love what you do and you'll never work a day in your life.

There are many things which I have learned about the world and myself by watching The Bachelor, and most of them are “goddamn I am glad that I am married”, but also it’s this: Osher Günsberg is very, very good on Twitter.

In fact, I’ve developed an unexpected new respect for Mr G and his Twitter game, which is rakishly on point.

See, in a world when most public figures tend to be as anodyne as possible as though horrified at the thought of expressing an opinion, Osher is happy to offer some (gentle, reasonable) pushback when people drag his show.

Or one-upping people’s sassy digs:

Or talking through the production specifics of making television:

…including how his job works

It also works as a poem.

But even so, it doesn’t stop him taking a moment to bask in the wonder of the show as a viewer.

And heaven help you if you dare level the slightest of doubts about the authenticity of Osher Günsberg his love of Survivor, which makes his love of The Bachelor pale in comparison. Dude legitimately froths on it, make no mistake.

Mr Günsberg, we salute your efforts. Everyone else in television, consider your social media, compare it with Osher’s, and make the necessary adjustments. We’ll wait.

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