Bleats

Insta-Sleuths And Conspiracy Theorists Have A New Suspect For Who Takes Out The Bachelor Final

Forget everything you thought you knew about The Bachelor. Actually, just forget the bit where you think you know who wins.

Instasleuths and online detectives have spoken, and they have a new suspect as to who will win The Bachelor final.

So we’re about to have the big shock exit tonight on the show – well, they’re all shocks now, right, since there’s only a handful of them left? – and we all thought that the winner was already surmised via secret photos of WhatsApp convos and the deep love of a passionate nation.

She’s a chemical engineer, you know.

But! Before you put everything you own on the short odds on Chelsie to win her very own astrophysicist, then be advised that internet sleuths have come up with another theory which blows the how competition WIDE OPEN.

This is because Matt Agnew – the Bachelor himself! – has been in Perth. And that is the city which is home to Helena, finalist and shoo-in for any Logie for Most Consistently Unpredictable Accent.

And, of course, this amazingly ghastly date!

The reason that people know where Matt is isn’t because he’s been tagged like a shark, or because Google Maps has been hacked. At least, as best as we’re aware.

It’s because he posted this on Instagram.

This happy little place is the Crawley Edge Boatshed, one of the most endlessly Instragrammed places in the west – to the point where TripAdvisor caution people determined to take yet another picture that they’ll probably be in for a wait.

Of course, there’s another interpretation of this bit of unassailable Insta-evidence: that Matt Agnew is not actually livin’ la vida sandgroper with his WA-dy love, but that he’s being sent all over the country by Channel 10 to talk about the show to every media outlet possible.

So which is it? Is he on a media tour, or a tour of love and possible relocation to the most obvious Perth landmark on Instagram? Is Helena now our prime suspect for the Bachelor final?

Or is this all an elaborate double-bluff to hide the truth from even the most ardent Bach-stalker? Is Perth even a real place? Is there an actual Bachelor at all? WE CAN’T RULE ANYTHING OUT ANYMORE.

Internet Nerds Have Tested That Stranger Things Car Crash Scene In Reality

Hey, who doesn't just want to crash some cars?

When watching the last season of Stranger Things it’s possible that you didn’t find yourself going “hey, I wonder if that nail-biting scene where Steve Harrington t-bones Billy Burn’s car was accurate in terms of the relative mass of those vehicles”.

But if so, we have some news: yes!

This analysis comes via Rhett Alain at OneZero, who wondered if a convertible Cadillac would actually be able to ram a racing Camaro and knock it out of the way of a bunch of trapped kids.

Sadly – or perhaps thankfully – he didn’t test this by actually finding a creepy deserted shopping mall car park and setting up a real life demolition derby, because that is a very good way for physicists to get very badly hurt.

Instead, he sat down and did the maths. And by “did the maths” I mean he literally did mathematics. Specifically, algebra.

Mmmm, physics!

In a nutshell, what plays out on screen is exactly what you’d expect given the circumstances.

“Using a Camaro speed of 27 meters per second and an angle of 30 degrees means the Cadillac needs to be traveling 15.6 meters per second or about 35 mph to knock it out of the way. Oh, that’s nice.”

The entire working is worth checking if you’re a fan of two-body collisions, but the main takeaway from this is that someone took what was unambiguously the least weird event from three seasons of Stranger Things and went “you know, interdimensional monsters aside, I’m not sure if a car would behave like that in a high-speed accident – I need to do some calculations!”

This bit: far, far weirder.

Like, it’s not even the weirdest thing that happens in that scene: then a giant monster looms over the building and pursues their fleeing vehicle. This entire analysis is based on a moment which would merit about six words in an episode description and yet he deployed mad physics for it.

And that, friends, is the sort of overthinking we like around here. Stranger Things car crashes rather than Upside Down metaphysics: that we can get behind.

Bless you, Rhett Alain. Bless you and bless your big, nerdy brain.

The Bachelor Contestants Are In A Toxic Relationship, They Just Don't Realise It Yet

This isn't a situation anyone should be in, televisual or otherwise.

The Bachelor is all about finding love through the time-tested technique of televised competitive dating, which isn’t just a weird way to find a relationship but is actually… well, also downright toxic.

If you had a friend who spent their entire time pondering how best to respond to their boyfriend in order to placate him, with the risk of being discarded for the sin of expressing a contrary opinion, then what would you do?

Allow me to answer: you’d tell them to head for the hills. Even if those hills didn’t have adorable alpacas frolicking upon them as per the Bachelor lawns.

And this is where the final six women in The Bachelor are right now, monitoring every utterance to ensure that they’re as compliant and agreeable as possible, knowing – correctly, in this case – that they’re headed for the waiting car.

And yes, that’s the point of the show and no reflection of Matt himself. But even so, if someone you were dating said “hey, let’s go skydiving!” and you said “actually, no, that terrifies me” then you’d figure a decent human would go “OK, how about something else?” rather than feeling like showing the slightest advocacy for one’s own health and happiness was a relationship-ending event.

That’s a whole bunch of red flags, right there.

And it didn’t even pay off, as Kristen learned in episode 12.

And we get that the people who go on this show are people who self-select for this kind of aggressively competitive environment. This is an opt-in situation, obviously.

But this still sends an insidious message, which is that if you want to appeal to someone you need to contort your personality and opinions into whatever shape wins their approval. And, furthermore, that failing to do so Has Consequences.

And as a bonus insult, if you’re good at doing that – as per Abbie, the ostensible villain of the show – then you’ll be slammed for being fake and manipulative. Only those that actively opt in to the self-censorship will be considered deserving.

Basically, in decades to come The Bachelor is going to feature in SO VERY MANY gender studies courses. And in psychology sessions explaining to people how to spot a toxic relationship before it’s too late.

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