Yes, You Can Buy Captain Holt’s Iconic “Pineapple Slut” T-Shirt From Brooklyn Nine-Nine Already And Of Course The Reviews Are Perfect
"Terry loves this shirt."
There are a million reasons to be thrilled that Brooklyn Nine-Nine is back on our screens, starting with the fact that we got to hear Jake Peralta refer to Amy Santiago as “my brilliant wife” mere minutes into the season six premiere.
I love this couple more than Boyle does, and that’s saying something.
But the undisputed highlight of the show’s glorious return was Captain Holt’s version of depression PJs: the increasingly loud and ridiculous souvenir shirts he wore while crashing Jake and Amy’s Mexican beach honeymoon.
From the slightly too realistic muscle shirt to “DTF: Down To Fiesta”, he was serving holidays lewks in every scene.
And everyone can agree that the most instantly iconic one is the inexplicable bright yellow number featuring a pineapple wearing a G-banger over the word SLUT in big pink festive letters.
Who is the slut, Peralta wondered? The pineapple? The wearer of the shirt? The reader of the shirt?
Nobody truly knows. The mystery is just part of the magic of the Pineapple Slut.
And of course, because fandom works fast, you can already buy the Pineapple Slut Shirt on Amazon, Etsy, and all the random shirt shops of the internet.
Naturally, the 99 fans are already leaving glowing reviews.
The shirt is so good that even the cast are obsessed.
Andy Samberg and Melissa Fumero apparently they couldn’t stop laughing at the shirt while they were filming the scene.
And Andre Braugher, who plays Holt, and Stephanie Beatriz, who plays Diaz, are joining the fans begging NBC to make the shirt part of the official B99 merch offering.
“We should ask NBC if we can do like a merch store and then donate some of the proceeds to a charity that the cast picks or something,” [Beatriz] said, to which Braugher replied, “Oh, that would be great!”
Beatriz says she would “definitely wear a ‘Pineapple Slut’ shirt. 100 percent.”
If you can’t wait for the official version, just google “pineapple slut” – the internet will provide.
So what do you have time to binge in the remaining [insert number of leave days here] before you have to drag your sweaty butt back to the cracker factory?
However many days you have left, here’s a list of shows you can vacuum up into your summer-and-wine-and-leftover-ham-fried brain while you eat zooper doopers in front of an oscillating fan in however much time you have left.
These are calculated (with the help of BingeClock) using a rough 9-5 schedule – seven hours of viewing time, same as you might spend in the office during a normal workday. It also lets you get up and make lunch or do some laundry for an hour or so at some point, and allows you to peel yourself off the couch, shower, and head out to see some friends in the evening.
Of course, it also works for 9pm to 5am if you’re into that, or got a slab of Red Bull from your dodgiest cousin for Christmas.
Something British, obviously.
There are only 13 episodes of Fawlty Towers, and they’re all on Stan.
Surprisingly wonderful romcom series Lovesick (which used to be called Scrotal Recall, which is probably why you haven’t watched it because ugh) is on Netflix, and is a perfect hangover binge: gentle, funny, real, and full of good smoochin’.
But if you’ve watched and rewatched nine seasons of the US version of The Office, perhaps it’s worth taking a look at the original. It doesn’t have the essential sweetness of the NBC remake, but it’s a great reminder of when Ricky Gervais actually wrote good comedy instead of being an edgelord with fake teeth.
It’ll take you seven hours start to finish, and that’s WITHOUT skipping the opening credits.
If you have two days to kill but don’t like shows that star Kristen Bell and feature Adam Scott in a recurring guest role, or vice versa, then I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. Nobody can help you.
If you DO like those things, great! Party Down is a cult classic that about fourteen people watched at the time it aired (about ten years ago), and if you’ve ever worked in hospitality and/or anything that’s Just Your Day Job while you wait to Make It, it’ll resonate. There are 20 episodes on Stan, and it’s perfect.
Alternately, you can catch up on one of the latest shows that everyone’s obsessed with: The Good Place. The surprisingly wholesome, insanely clever afterlife sitcom is on hiatus, with three more episodes due in January to close out its third season, and catching up on Netflix now means you’ll get to watch the very latest ep “Janet(s)”, which is possibly the single best episode of TV from this entire year.
Stranger Things is also a neat two-full-day Netflix binge – but come on, who hasn’t watched it yet?
I mean, you might never want to leave your house again after 17 hours of watching all the creative ways technology can f**k you up, but at least you’ll have more time to catch up on all this great TV.
If you want something a little more uplifting, go with Please Like Me on Netflix – the sweet, aching Australian series that will win over even the wariest of “I just find that Josh Thomas guy kind of annoying” people. It has its bleak moments, but it also has perfect writing, and Hannah Gadsby.
The Handmaid’s Tale, all 23 hours of which is on SBS On Demand, is a perfect way to prepare for 2019’s inevitable misogynist f**kery. However, I cannot in good conscience recommend you watch it for four straight days without breaking it up with some Party Down (see Two days, above) – or without a buddy.
Congrats! You have exactly the right amount to time to catch up on our decade’s increasingly bonkers entry in the hallowed tradition of shows that make you go: wait, these are supposed to be teenagers, right?
If you’ve never quite glommed on to Brooklyn 99, now is actually the perfect time. With the newest season coming back in the US on January 10, you can hop on Netflix and catch up on roughly one season a day between now and then, and still have time to hit the beach a couple of times.
Congrats! You have the perfect amount of time to get caught up on Outlander – the biggest, horniest, bloodiest, most expensivest time travel show going. The first three seasons are on Netflix, and the current season is airing on Foxtel.
If you want to ruin your own life in the best way, get amongst Friday Night Lights on your eight days off. The best news is that season 2 kind of sucks a lot of the time, so you can totally do something else while you slog through that Landry and Tyra plotline towards some more of the best TV ever made – and a young Michael B Jordan.
And if you need something lighter, make sure you’re not sleeping on New Girl, which quietly went from an annoying Zooey Deschanel vehicle to the best hangout sitcom on TV, and finally wrapped up this year. Get amongst it, you bird-shirted puzzle babies.
Are you kidding? I’m not going to enable you any more. Read a damn book. Rest your eyes. There’s a whole new year of Peak TV coming.