Bleats

The New Terminator Film Is Purely FanFic And Edward Furlong Proves It

Will no-one think of the feelings of both fans of Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines?

The Terminator franchise had already strangled itself with its own time-travelling inconsistencies by the time Terminator: Genysis slouched into theatres and the passionate indifference of audiences.

And this it was no great surprise when the announcement of Terminator: Dark Fate arrived with the news that yeah, actually it turns out that there were no films or TV series’ after 1991’s Terminator 2: Judgment Day and you just imagined them.

“I was in a Terminator film, Steve. It happened! Why won’t you believe me?”

Along with this cinematic gaslighting, it had already been announced that Linda Hamilton was returning to the franchise, having last appeared in T2 (and which might have had something to do with her marriage to and subsequent acrimonious divorce from director James Cameron in 1999).

And everyone just assumed Arnold Schwarzenegger would be back because… well, that line, really.

You know, he should really say that line more often, over and over, in every single thing he’s in regardless of whether it makes a blind bit of sense.

But it turns out they’re really committed to getting the old band back together.

At Comic Con the announcement was made that the new film would be R rated, like its predecessors, and that Edward Furlong would be returning as the all-grown-up John Connor.

If only a robot from the future could have let him know what was in store…

Furlong was the breakout performance of the second film and became a huge child star, and you already know what that story means: a brief amazing career followed by a chequered few decades of legal and chemical issues because fame is a monster that devours its young.

Anyway: it’s a new Terminator film, everyone’s old, and Emilia Clarke was never Sarah Connor. Everyone up to date now?

No word yet on whether Robert Patrick will be back as the liquid metal Terminator thing but… look, what else is he doing these days?

“What, you didn’t see me in that episode of Sons of Anarchy?”

I Rewatched High Fidelity And Oh God, I Never Realised It Was About An Incel

Can't we have a single beloved movie that doesn't seem horribly creepy in 2019?

John Cusack is a charming screen presence with a gift for making fairly lousy films deeply entertaining. His commitment to 2012 made the stupid premise at least campily palatable, and Better Off Dead would have been a nondescript teen sex comedy without his appealing deadpan performance.

And perhaps his most beloved role was from 2000 – oh, it was a more innocent time! – in High Fidelity, where he played record store owner Rob Gordon, a man so obsessed with music that he just can’t get relationships right, the adorable nerd!

GO TELL IT TO YOUR LIVEJOURNAL, WHINER

But watching it again there’s a new interpretation. Which is this: Rob Gordon is, if not an actual incel, certainly incel-adjacent.

For those who just remember the bits in the record store where Jack Black was rude to people, here’s a recap:

A starmaking performance!

Rob has just been dumped by his girlfriend Laura (Iben Hjejle) and then recaps the five most epic dumplings of his life. He then hunts down his exes, ostensibly to discover what was wrong with him, and then stalks his most recent ex until she gives up and lets him do whatever in the aftermath of her father’s funeral. The end.

In case you were wondering how sympathetic the film is to Rob’s perspective, there’s even a scene when a Laura’s new boyfriend asking that Rob not stalk his girlfriend is beaten to death (in a fantasy sequence, admittedly). Yes, it’s Tim Robbins playing a jerk with a ponytail, but even so.

“Best scene!”

And as he’s trying to convince his ex to come back he uses arguments like “Did I beat you? Did I tell you you were a bad person?” as though she was unreasonable not to want to be partnered up with a guy who doesn’t appear to like her.

And Laura doesn’t mince words: she explains that the reason she’s coming back is that she’s exhausted by the pressure. It’s played for laughs, but goddamn if this isn’t the most chilling bit of the film:

Laura: I’m too tired not to be with you.

Rob: What, so if you had a bit more energy we’d stay split up, but things being as they are, with you being wiped out and all, you want to get back together? Is that it?

Laura: Yeah.

High Fidelity, bringing the romance!

The book, in its semi-defence, is a little more nuanced but the basic idea of Man Angry At Woman For Inadequately Liking Him Harasses Her Into Compliance remains. It also has more references to the Auteurs, the most underrated band of all time, but even so:

Rob feels entitled to access to women, and gets sad, angry and self-righteous when he’s denied it. And then he… um, gets the girl. Let’s get it on!

The film does, to be fair, have a banger of a soundtrack. So you know, swings and roundabouts.

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