Bleats

Goombas Actually Have Arms And Everything We Know About Super Mario Is A Filthy Lie

This is something we didn't need to see.

Hoo boy, Nintendo has a whole heap of skeletons in their closets, don’t they?

It was bad enough last year when it was revealed to us that Venusaur is actually a frog and not a four-legged walking plant of immense power, but this latest revelation is levels beyond that because it revolves around Goombas from the Big N’s most popular franchise, Super Mario.

In the last three or so decades of Super Mario‘s existence, we’ve known Goombas as being those cute little things that look like mushrooms with stubby legs who act as nothing more than red-shirts for an Italian plumber to jump on.

But it turns out our knowledge about Goombas has all been one filthy lie.

That’s because Goombas actually have had arms and hands this whole time, they’re just folded neatly behind their backs. Yep, you read that correctly.

Goombas. Have. Arms. And. Hands. This. Whole. Time.

Holy hell, this is crazy. It’s even crazier than the time I drove a real-life Mario Kart through Tokyo while half-blind and nearly died.

As it turns out, that figurine of a Goomba with arms isn’t the only instance where their limbs were shown.

Back in 1986, Nintendo released a Super Mario anime film and there is a brief moment in it where you can see a couple of Goombas with arms just chilling about.

What on earth is going on here? Has everything we’ve known about Super Mario all been false information? Does that mean all Goomba plushies are wrong and are nothing more than just cursed things now?

Needless to say that this revelation blew a lot of people’s minds when they found out:

Okay, maybe I can slowly get used to the fact that Goombas have arms and haves, but I don’t know if I can handle more big reveals like that. Next thing Nintendo will be telling me that Super Mario Bros. 3 was actually a play the whole time and – oh wait, it was?

Damn.

If You Get A Chance To Drive Through Tokyo Half-Blind In An IRL Mario Kart, Do It, It’s Epic

Bowel-inducing levels of terror. Would 100% do again.

If I were to sum up Japan in a sentence, I would describe it as a cauldron of curiosity and weirdness, topped off with a dash or two of quirk. I mean, what other country has hotels run by robot dinosaurs?

But those things pale in comparison to the greatest – and possibly scariest – thing to come out of Japan since the Japanese bidet: real-life Mario Kart.

Speeding around the streets of Tokyo in tiny go-karts while dressed up as your favourite fictional character is the dream of many Mario Kart fans and I can confirm that it is every bit as good as it sounds on paper.

It was also 10 times scarier than I initially bargained for.

Me the entire time.

The go-karts pack enough grunt to get you up to 80km/h at the blink of an eye, which would normally be fine if not for the fact that seatbelts are optional and these vehicles are nothing more than a flimsy metal frame where the “bumper” is literally just a pool noodle and your knees are the crumple zones.

But all these worries quickly dissipate when you fire up those go-karts for the first time and begin the drive through Tokyo. The sound of those little things pushing to the limit, the smell of burning petrol, and the wind running off your face is just intoxicating, so much so that you’re able to (mostly) ignore the stinging cold that comes with driving an open-air go-kart during the Japan winter.

Now here’s where my real-life Mario Kart experience goes pear-shaped.

The experience in a nutshell.

Due to the lack of facial cover, my contact lenses dried quicker than water on concrete during an Australian summer and fell out of my eyes within the first 15 minutes, rendering my vision from 20/20 to “why even bother having eyes”. Couple the loss of contacts with the fact that my drive was scheduled to run from 6pm to 9pm, I was basically driving around Tokyo for 2.5 hours at night time while half-blind.

Getting chased around by Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees is terrifying. This is a level beyond that.

Not only was the world a literal blur of colours and lights, I wasn’t able see the important hand gestures issued out by the tour guide, all while I and 11 other go-karters were powering along the streets at around 50-60km/h on average. My brain entered a new realm of white-knuckled concentration in trying to make sure I didn’t accidentally rear-end the bloke ahead of me because my sub-par eyes misjudged the braking zone.

What nearly happened on too many occasions to count.

During certain speedier sections – such long sweeping runs over bridges and lengthy tunnels – those go-karts got up to 85km/h and you were one pothole away from spinning out into a wall or into the freezing Tokyo bay water. Let’s just say I was glad I wore brown pants underneath my Piccolo costume that night.

But for every bowel-relieving moment experienced during that blurry drive, there was an equivalent rush of adrenaline and exhilaration that made everything worth it.

Sure my stomach dropped right out of my body when I hit a misplaced speed bump at 70km/h, but I also got to drive though the famous Shibuya crossing with the nighttime crowd’s surprised eyes all on me. Somewhere out there is a random Japanese person’s phone filled with photos of cold and secretly-mortified me dressed in a Piccolo costume while driving a go-kart.

Actual footage of me driving the go-kart.

While my heart rate had more spikes than a cactus, especially when a huge truck sped past me in the next lane, I also got to drive past landmarks like Tokyo Tower and Rainbow Bridge. Granted that I may not have been able to properly see and appreciate the full beauty of these places, I have it on good authority that it was all stunning. At least the photos all looked lovely.

So in summary of the real-life Mario Kart experience – Colder than being naked on Antarctica, high risk of accidents and death, shenanigans and a numb butt, and a stunning tour of Tokyo for the able-eyed.

Would 100% do it again, but with glasses instead of contacts and about 10 more layers of clothing next time.

You're Going To Be Forced To Choose Between A New Xbox One Model Or A Shiny, Top-Of-The-Line PS5

Of course you could just go on a ramen diet for a year and get both.

UPDATE: This has been updated to reflect that the price and dates for the new Xbox One S model are actually for the US. Deets for Australia will be released later.

With critically-acclaimed games like Red Dead Redemption 2 and God Of War pushing the visual bar beyond anything we’ve ever seen in gaming, you’d think we will have a few more years left before the current video game console generation is rendered obsolete.

Well Sony has decided to surprise everyone by jumping the gun early and revealing the first ever details for its successor to the wildly popular PS4, which we’ll creatively call the “PS5” from henceforth since it actually doesn’t have an official name right now.

Let’s be honest, it’s going to be called the PS5.

In a new exclusive chat with WIRED, Sony’s lead console guru Mark Cerny spilled the beans on the company’s PS4 follow-up and it sounds like it will be a, ahem, game-changer.

The PS5 will be powered by a cutting-edge AMD chip capable of pumping out Hollywood-level of CGI and 8K resolution, which is almost certainly more than what your TV is capable of right now. On top of that, it will also pack an SSD and backwards compatibility (which gamers been asking for for years). Cerny also gave an example on just how fast the PS5 will be by comparing the loading screen times for Spider-Man on that and the PS4.

For the PS4, it took around 15 seconds. For the PS5? 0.8 seconds. Yes, holy crap is the right response.

There are a bunch of other little technical details that Cerny revealed (which you can read here) but in short, games on the PS5 will not only make those on the PS4 look like garbage, everything will run faster than a squirrel on Red Bull.

Ugh, so ugly.

Now there are a few things that you need to think about before buying this magical PS5. It won’t be out in 2019 and it’s looking like 2020 will be the earliest release window. And with high-end specs that would make PC owners green with envy, don’t be surprised if the PS5 will cost more than your net worth. For comparison, the PS4 cost $550 when it was first released so expect its successor to be at around that price point at the very least.

Not to be outdone by their big rivals, Microsoft has responded to Sony’s surprise announcement by revealing their own new console. Well, new-ish console.

There’s going to be a new Xbox One S model that’s going to be all digital, meaning that you’ll no longer need any game discs. This will probably be awesome in the US or UK, but it’s going to be a little tough to sell a digital-only Xbox One in Australia since our internet sucks.

Other than that, well, it’s exactly the same as the Xbox One S in terms of specs. But hey, it’s around $50 cheaper than the current $300 price tag for the Xbox One S and it’ll be out on May 7th so there’s that. Just a heads up, that’s the price and release date for folks in the US. We still have no clue when it’ll drop in Australia or how much it will be but we imagine it won’t be that drastically different in price or release date.

So what this means is you all will have the choice between a cheap and digital-only Xbox One S model later this year, or a top-of-the-line PS5 model that will ruin everything in gaming for you but isn’t out for another year at least and will also push you towards bankruptcy.

Choose wisely, gamers.

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