Bleats

The Real Star Of Stranger Things Is This Sexy, Sexy Hawaiian Shirt

Gents, we have our look for forever.

Not to put too fine a point on it, the Hawaiian shirt is the perfect item of clothing for the gentleman of a certain age.

It doesn’t date, it goes seamlessly from day to night, and ideal for everything: a surf party, a high powered meeting, or writing for GOAT.

Your author, right now.

And therefore when embarking on the new series of Stranger Things the sight of David Harbour as Sheriff Hopper rocking some especially amazing clobber brought me some much needed life.

And clearly I was not alone.

None of us did, friend. None of us did.
Don’t season shame me, Pey.
Look, you’re not wrong.

The shirt appears to be an off the rack number from Hot Topic in the US, so here’s hoping some enterprising shirtsvendor gets their act together locally. We men of a certain age need our colourwear.

How US Politics Determines The Horror Shows You Get To See

Beware: once you see this trend, it can never be unseen.

Successful horror films tend to tap into the nameless fears of the time they’re created. And what is more existentially terrifying than politics?

For example, there’s a weird pattern of the horror films that come out the US and the political environment that spawns them.

Specifically, when Democrats are in power, there’s a weird explosion of films about vampires, because a left-leaning leader somehow leads to American fears about sexy amoral monsters with sexy and very foreign accents using their sexy sex powers to corrupt the moral and upstanding with sexy sex.

“Velcome! I want to suck your blood! What do you mean, that’s a metaphor?”

Jimmy Carter’s presidency coincided with late 70s series of Dracula movies, Bill Clinton reigned through the heyday of Anne “Interview With The Vampire” Rice and Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and Obama was the Twilight/True Blood president.

However, when Republicans are in power there are relatively few vampires. Then it’s zombies: a brainless mass of violent inhumans tearing everything to pieces for no reason at all.

Nixon coincided with the first wave, of zombie flicks, starting with Night Of The Living Dead, whose remakes and sequels landed squarely in the Reagan years, and the 28 Days Later franchise began around the Invasion of Iraq under George W Bush.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

This pattern has been observed by cultural academics and pop culture nuts alike, and so with Trump in the White House you’d expect that there’d be an explosion of zombie films lately.

And the genre is still alive – The Walking Dead and its spinoffs have thrived, for example – but there’s been a couple of other threads to the horror genre which have some weird correlations with contemporary fears.

For example: we live in an age of anxiety, where the abrupt collapse of political norms has been accompanied by economic unpredictably and the erosion of a century-plus of the left-right divide, all underpinned by the slow but inexorable march of climate change.

So many of our fears in the last few years are free-floating and formless, and what’s come out of that? It Follows. Birdbox. The Babadook.

AH! TRUMP!

This background anxiety is cheek-by-jowl with very specific retro fears – particularly of pertaining to the 80s, an era in which the American president was also an entertainer with noticeably declining faculties and little apparent comprehension of the job beyond an aggressively military jingoism which included the willingness to throw around the casual possibility of nuclear war.

And what are we getting with our 80s throwback politics? 80s throwback movies: Pet Semetary. It. Child’s Play.

And what happens when you mix that strange, free floating horror with ’80s nostalgia? Stranger Things, one of the most successful programmes on television.

Eh, should be fine.

In short: you want to know what the politics of the west are at any given time, look at what’s scaring the hell out of people and it’ll tell you everything you need to know.

Conversely, if you’ve got a horror script to pitch, check the polling first.

Dwayne Johnson Is Making Dick Towels A Thing

Between a Rock and a hard place.

There’s no polite way to ask this so let’s just get down to it: are men wearing towels over their dicks in gyms?

More specifically, are men actually wearing towels tucked into their waistband and covering their junk like a flannelly loincloth?

The answer is that Dwayne “Rock, The” Johnson is doing so and therefore we can only conclude that it is a habit of the world’s gymsiest men and that all masculinity will therefore follow.

Yeah, but what about the dick towel?

This revelation was courtesy of Jezabel‘s Tracy Clark-Flory, who had noticed a theme in Dwayne’s gym themed Instagram posts. And people say investigative journalism is in crisis!

Her deep dive into the matter explored two potential reasons for this fashion trend: one, that dudes were just carrying their towel in the one place they could easily access it to wipe their hands; and two, that the tucked in section provided much needed extra support for a dude’s groinal region while wearing compression tights.

Again, about the towel…

The other possibility, obviously, is that dudes are calling attention to their business via a tantalising peek-a-boo junk-tent. Or maybe that they wish to conceal the fact that compression tights make their wangs look like twisted birds trapped in driftnets.

In any case: gents, if you’re not giving your gym crotch a little front-cape then clearly you are doing it wrong. The Rock’s groin has spoken.

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