Even if you, like me, have never seen a single Star Wars film, you’d know by now that the big last movie is coming. Yes, that’s right, I’ve never seen any of the Star Wars films. Not one. And now the trailer for Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker has left me very confused.
The official trailer notched up half a million views on YouTube within the first hour of release – and that’s just on the US Star Wars channel alone.
Y’all very excited about this fancy movie ad.
Ok, so things I’ve already figured out about Star Wars:
Green light is good on the sword thing; red is very bad.
The first three movies that are referenced A LOT in That 70’s Show are actually in the middle now because three more films with Hayden Christensen came out that are now at the start, and then there’s three new films at the end. But apparently this newest one is def the last.
Carrie Fisher wore a gold bikini that guys like Ross Geller still fantacise about.
There’s a hairy guy – sorry, wookiee – that’s BFFs with Harrison Ford.
There’s an ugly character called Jar Jar Binks that everyone hates for some reason.
Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s dad.
There’s a girl fighter named Rey.
And Phoebe Waller-Bridge is in one of the movies because I saw her on The Graham Norton Show in the very low-cut dress that she couldn’t move in.
But this new Star Wars trailer has me very lost:
The hairy guy is back. Is it the same hairy guy from the 70s movies or is it his son? Grandson? Or do wookiees not die, ever?
Wait, where did all that water come from? I thought this thing was set in space.
Oh, so Adam Driver is a bad guy? Why’s he look like Darth Vader? Is Darth Vader dead or alive at this point?
How come the Iron Throne is in Star Wars? Is that where Daenerys’ dragons flew off to?
This voice over is very dramatic ey.
Cool, so the gold robot man is still alive. Guess robots don’t die.
CARRIE FISHER! Is that really you?! How’d they do that? Welcome back, sassy lady.
This movie looks very expensive. I feel poor.
Guess I gotta catch up on 42 years of these films now. Or just stay in my own little world.