Bleats

Someone Please Tell Me What The Hell Is Going On In This Star Wars Trailer, I'm Very Late To The Party

I'm in my own little world over here, not seen a single one.

Even if you, like me, have never seen a single Star Wars film, you’d know by now that the big last movie is coming. Yes, that’s right, I’ve never seen any of the Star Wars films. Not one. And now the trailer for Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker has left me very confused.

The official trailer notched up half a million views on YouTube within the first hour of release – and that’s just on the US Star Wars channel alone.

Y’all very excited about this fancy movie ad.

Ok, so things I’ve already figured out about Star Wars:

Green light is good on the sword thing; red is very bad.

The first three movies that are referenced A LOT in That 70’s Show are actually in the middle now because three more films with Hayden Christensen came out that are now at the start, and then there’s three new films at the end. But apparently this newest one is def the last.

Carrie Fisher wore a gold bikini that guys like Ross Geller still fantacise about.

There’s a hairy guy – sorry, wookiee – that’s BFFs with Harrison Ford.

There’s an ugly character called Jar Jar Binks that everyone hates for some reason.

Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s dad.

There’s a girl fighter named Rey.

And Phoebe Waller-Bridge is in one of the movies because I saw her on The Graham Norton Show in the very low-cut dress that she couldn’t move in.

But this new Star Wars trailer has me very lost:

Imma need some popcorn and a cheat sheet for this thing.

The hairy guy is back. Is it the same hairy guy from the 70s movies or is it his son? Grandson? Or do wookiees not die, ever?

Wait, where did all that water come from? I thought this thing was set in space.

Oh, so Adam Driver is a bad guy? Why’s he look like Darth Vader? Is Darth Vader dead or alive at this point?

How come the Iron Throne is in Star Wars? Is that where Daenerys’ dragons flew off to?

This voice over is very dramatic ey.

Cool, so the gold robot man is still alive. Guess robots don’t die.

CARRIE FISHER! Is that really you?! How’d they do that? Welcome back, sassy lady.

This movie looks very expensive. I feel poor.

Guess I gotta catch up on 42 years of these films now. Or just stay in my own little world.

Mary Poppins Returns Cameos Ranked By How Loudly Grown Adults Squeal With Joy

You really need to see this movie with a cinema full of stans.

As a Mary Poppins fangirl from way back, there was no way I was missing her return.

When I was about seven years old and we finally got a VCR at home, Mary Poppins was the first thing we ever recorded off TV and I watched it over, and over, and over again. Mary quickly became my hero with her practically perfect mix of sass and good manners.

So when Emily Blunt took on the iconic role for Mary Poppins Returns, I was all in. And sitting in the cinema with my mum next to me (because good old times, kids), I quickly realised that this is a film to be truly enjoyed with others.

There were smiles from ear-to-ear across every row of seats. Clapping, cheering, and rather loud squeals of joy. It’s a film that reminds you how much fun going to the cinema can be.

And the cameos. Oh the cameos! So spit pot and off we go.

P.L. Travers (titles)

Lin-Manuel Miranda dancing up a storm on PL Travers titles in Mary Poppins Returns.

So the books Lin-Manuel Miranda is trotting on in the hand-drawn song-and-dance scene are actually titles by Mary Poppins author P.L. Travers.

To be fair, this is a very niche cameo that I didn’t even learn about until after the film and I’d fallen down a rabbit hole of hot takes on the Internet. And I’ll admit I shed quite a few tears while watching Saving Mr Banks, so no disrespect to P.L. Travers at all.

Grown-up Jane

She makes a very brief appearance in Cherry Tree Lane. And to be honest, Graham Norton and his Mary Poppins-filled couch spilled the beans on this one for me. Afterwards I thought, “oh, that’s pretty cool”.

The Dancing Penguins

Iconic, always.

As a kid, I couldn’t get over the park scene with Mary and Bert and those hand-drawn dancing penguins. HOW ARE THEY DANCING WITH PENGUINS?!

And when those penguins poked their heads through the curtains in Mary Poppins Returns I felt like I was seven years old all over again. Pure joy.

Colin Firth

Mr Darcy in Mary Poppins.

Look, I was in a cinema pretty much filled with women who had watched Pride and Prejudice more than once (guilty as charged).

We don’t even care that he’s a massive bully to the Banks family. He is Mr Darcy. Always.

Meryl Streep

It’s a topsy turvy world when Meryl’s mending china.

Topsy’s workshop is pretty much a replica of the tea-party-on-the-roof scene from 1964, but it had us all wishing we had a broken ceramic bowl just so we could knock on Meryl’s door.

Dick Van Dyke

The very real Dick Van Dyke, not CGI, for the record.

The guy is 93 and dancing up a storm on a desk. For real. People were actually cheering. I was quietly waiting for him to float up, up and away like old man Mr Dawes.

He was such a big part (or rather parts) of the original Poppins, we’d all have felt cheated if he wasn’t in Returns at all. Even with the dodgy Cockney accent.

Angela Lansbury

Angela Lansbury owns the audience as the marvellous, magical balloon lady,

IT’S MRS POTTS!

Mate, if you don’t even crack a smile when she’s revealed as the balloon lady, and breaks into song, then you are a broken soul.

We Ranked The Golden Globes Gowns By How Hard They Are To Pee In And Look, It Gets Messy

Because we've all gotta go at some point...

Not everyone can be a winner. But if you can at least go to the toilet in your outfit, then I’d say you’re winning at life already.

And when this chick is making sure everyone on the Golden Globes red carpet is well and truly hydrated, you better be prepared.

So grab yourself a drink and a comfortable seat on the couch of judging famous strangers.

Nicole Kidman 2/10

Darl, every drag queen in Sydney can tell you sequins and what looks like latex do not mix with bevvies and bathrooms. Maybe her handbag doubles as a catheter?

Lady Gaga 3/10

So much fabric. This is why brides have maids. Guess that’s Bradley Cooper’s job. And we all know how good he is at peeing at award shows.

Irina Shayk 4/10

So tight, can’t move. At least if she doesn’t make it to the toilet in time she’ll have a true shoulder to cry on in Bradley Cooper.

Kayley Cuoco 5/10

White skirt vs far-from-white bathroom floors. Because no matter how fancy the crowd is, every bathroom after a couple of rounds gets feral. Hope you packed the Napisan.

Lili Reinhart 6/10

Good luck taking all that tulle to the loo, love. It’ll dry quickly, though, so there’s that.

Julia Roberts 7/10

This ain’t her first rodeo. And in those pants she could probably ride a horse, too.

Lucy Boynton 8/10

She can drink all the liquids she likes, move freely, and know that should she get any pee on her golden shower of a frock, at least it will blend in.

Amy Adams 9/10

Proving that mums are masters of practical magic. Teal column skirt for the win.

Emily Blunt 10/10

Because Mary Poppins is practically perfect in every way. Not only does the loose skirt allow her to actually sit down in a theatre, the shortened hemline conveniently avoids manky bathroom floors.

Lupita Nyong’o 11/10

She is an actual goddess and therefore never needs to pee. Ever.

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