Bleats

Aliens Are Not Visiting Earth No Matter What Blink-182's Ex-Guitarist Reckons

Remember when the History Channel did educational programming? They apparently don't either.

Aliens are not visiting Earth.

OK, let’s temper that slightly: there’s no evidence that aliens have visited Earth, and evidence that things are there are usually pretty easy to find. This is why we can be pretty sure that elephants exist and that Bigfeet do not.

This lack of evidence has not stopped former Blink-182 guitarist, Angels and Airwaves guitarist and alien-in-believer Tom DeLonge making a new TV series arguing that flying saucers are living and working among us.

That series is Unidentified: Inside America’s UFO Investigation™ (and yes, that trademark symbol is part of the title). It’s the sort of conspiracy theory garbage which used to be reserved for the internet but is now apparently the a nifty idea that makes History go “yeah, a six part series about what you reckon the US government is hiding, let’s do that.”

The show draws heavily on To The Stars Academy of Arts and Science, DeLonge’s foundation for looking at the spaceships and martians, and reportedly involves interviewing a bunch of people from its staff about what they reckon is a secret government conspiracy to hide the existence of UFOs and the shady (read: largely fictitious) history of the Pentagon’s Advanced Aerospace Threat Identification Program.

And sure, shows about how the US government are in cahoots with the space martians is hardly new. But honestly, is there anyone on the planet who thinks that Donald Trump wouldn’t announce the government have had alien contact – especially if he could point out that Barack Obama kept it secret? It’s amazing he hasn’t made that claim regardless, now we think about it.

Mind you, DeLonge could do with the exposure: reportedly his To The Stars Academy of Arts and Science is in the red to the tune of over US$37 million. Maybe they should get into more serious work, like mermaid wellness.

And look, contempt for this sort of silliness aside, it’s entirely likely that there’s life elsewhere in the universe (hell, there might yet be life in our own solar system and we should therefore be sending probes to Europa and Enceladus ASAP!). After all, the universe is a big place full of the same stuff as made life here on our little blue-green rock.

But given how freakin’ large the distances between stars are, the hard limit that physics puts on how fast anything can go, the sheer vastness of cosmic time and the fact that sophisticated life forms that have evolved on planets are wildly unsuited to living in space (as we keep discovering with the many things that go wrong with humans when we send them off-planet), the idea that there are things sneakily visiting a hard to get to planet deep in a star’s gravity well seems like the fantasies of a man who grew up thinking the Mos Eisley Cantina scene in Star Wars was shot on location.

Stop encouraging him, History Channel. You used to be better than that.

Your Favourite Festivals Are Showing Static For NSW's Dogmatic Anti-Fun Laws

They're joining forces to halt the ongoing Footloosification of Sydney.

As the NSW state election season staggers to its exhausting conclusion you’d likely be aware of the number of weird own-goals the Coalition government of Gladys Berejiklian is currently scoring.

And among the replacement of stadia, the collapse of public transport and weird last minute scandals around its members, there’s the whole harsh-new-conditions-for-festivals thing.

And a bunch of them have decided to cut through the, ahem, static.

The government’s attempt to be all Tough On Drugs and show action over pill overdoses that doesn’t involve the introduction of the supported-by-evidence process of pill testing (which Ms B really, really does not get) led to new last minute licensing requirements for festivals, literally days before some of the festivals were booked to take place.

Check.

And while that forced a couple of festivals to cancel at the last minute after being unable to comply with expensive and unclear new regulations, there are still 14 festivals designated “high risk” although neither they nor the government know what the criteria actually are.

Check!

And while the legislation is NSW-specific, the lion’s share of festivals around the nation have joined in solidarity with their NSW colleagues. Splendour in the Grass! Groovin’ The Moo! Falls Festival! God, that sounds like a

It’s all part of the #votemusic campaign which seeks to encourage NSW voters to take the future of live music into account when casting their ballot.

Because let’s be honest, live music is still about the best thing on this godforsaken orbiting rock-lump and a world without it isn’t worth bothering with, consarn it.

Checkity-check-check!

Interestingly Bluesfest have not come on board at the time of writing, despite their being all bolshy about Australian festivals when it appeared that they were under threat.

C’mon, guys. Everyone wins with saving live music events, or everyone loses. After all, today’s millennials are tomorrow’s boomers…

The New Conspiracy Theory Around Frozen Is Simultaneously Hilarious And Chilling

Look, we're convinced.

For years people have pondered the greatest question raised by the Disney film Frozen. And their question is simple: why did the company give this movie its mysterious title?

Some have suggested that maybe it’s got something to do with that wintery – some might say “frozen” – locale in which the bulk of the film takes place. Or perhaps it’s because the plot which involves a queen of ice letting her heart thaw so that she might let herself feel love again, and who also has the power to freeze stuff.

Hell, there’s a character who is literally a snowman.

In fact, as mysteries that need solving go, “why is Frozen called Frozen?” seems pretty low on the list. It really couldn’t have a more literal title without being called Adventure Princess Sisters Do Singing.

And that, according to conspiracy theorists with time on their hands, is exactly what Disney want you to think.

See, as everyone knows, Walt Disney was obsessed with cryogenics and was himself “frozen” upon his death in 1966 in order to be revived in the future when we discover a cure for [consults cause of death] circulatory collapse caused by lung cancer. Is… is that something we’re looking into?

Of course, the future will also have to have a cure for being cremated, because Walt was in no way cryogenically frozen and in all ways burned into ashes.

Anyway: like all global mega-companies, Disney were determined to keep the truth about their founder hidden. And thus, a mere 47 years later, they leapt into action.

And they did that by releasing a film which would ensure that Google searches for “Walt Disney” and “frozen” would not bring results rich in cryogenic conspiracy but instead a heartwarming tale celebrating the unbreakable bond between moose and woodsman. IT’S THE PERFECT CRIME.

And now, with Frozen II set for release this November the (not) truth about Walt will be buried under even more animated propaganda, like so much… um, that white stuff. It’s like water, but… you know, made all our of cold. What’s the adjective again? Starts with F.

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