Bleats

Sophie Turner And Joe Jonas School Celebrity Couples In How To Keep Their Relationship Private, Even In The Spotlight

Calling the paps on yourself ain't cute anymore.

No matter how hard we try and deny it, we are so unbelievably invested in celebrity couples coming and going, loving and breaking up – we can’t get enough.

The powers that be totally know this about us and our stupid, malleable brains and manipulate us into investing in relationships that aren’t real.

Every so often, a real Hollywood couple comes in and saves our souls from eternal damnation. (Too far?)

Enter: Sophie and Joe.

Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas, despite meeting online, have kept their public PDA to a minimum – not because they aren’t totally head-over-heels in love with each other, but because they don’t owe you anything.

Sorry to break it to you.

Sophie and Joe have given us little glimpses into their life, but never intimate details. Never airing dirty laundry. Never involving us in their relationship unless they choose to.

It seems that we are moving into an age where we appreciate ‘less is more’ when it comes to celebrity couples and Joe and Sophie are leading the charge flawlessly.

An In Depth Study To Determine Which Jonas Brother Has The Superior Booty On Their First Album Cover In 7 Years

This is an SOS.

The Jonas Brothers’ triumphant return after 7 years has been a blessing for the whole world, but it’s also been a testing time for long-term fans. 

The brothers have since grown up, gotten married and become real mens. 

Like, cmon.

After two super solid singles, Sucker and Cool, The Jonas Brothers have announced that their first album after a seven year hiatus is called Happiness Begins and will be available June 7th 2019.

Which, y’know, lovely.

But we NEED to talk about the album cover because they’ve given us no choice but to be looking directly at their behinds.

So, I’ve decided the only plan of attack is to rank these butts in a very detailed way, for science of course.

There’s some guidelines, or I’d just be biased.

In this essay I will determine who of The Jonas Brothers has the superior booty, based on the following questions:

  1. If It Sits On My Lap, Will It Maim Me Deeply?
  2. Can I Rest My Head On It After A Long, Hard Day?
  3. Will One Cheek Fill Up A Whole Handful? (Important)

Let’s begin.

Joe Jonas.

If It Sits On My Lap, Will It Maim Me Deeply? 8/10 Absolutely. His booty is thicc and ready to crush my body into a fine dust (in a loving way.)

Can I Rest My Head On It After A Long, Hard Day? 9/10 I feel like this booty would find a way to hold me into the night and tell me everything is going to be okay.

Will One Cheek Fill Up A Whole Handful? 10/10 I have full faith that I could wrap my tiny hands around this booty and have substantial overflow.

RATING: 27/30

Nick Jonas.

If It Sits On My Lap, Will It Maim Me Deeply? 4/10 I feel like this booty may be a tad bony so yes, I believe that I would be punctured deeply.

Can I Rest My Head On It After A Long, Hard Day? 7/10 Nick works out a lot so I feel like I could rest my head on it but it would not be pillowy.

Will One Cheek Fill Up A Whole Handful? 6/10 There would be a severe lacking in the grabbery here, unfortunately.

17/30 (soz)

Kevin Jonas.

If It Sits On My Lap, Will It Maim Me Deeply? 10/10 I would be violently maimed by this buttocks and it would turn up to my funeral and ask ‘what happened?’ like it had nothing to do with my death.

Can I Rest My Head On It After A Long, Hard Day? 9/10 I would definitely rest my head on this booty and fall into a peaceful slumber.

Will One Cheek Fill Up A Whole Handful? 9/10 See, the pants are deceiving but the way the light hits the top of the booty makes me think that this booty would have some decent cuppage.

28/30

via GIPHY

In a surprising turn of events, the winner of most superior butt is, Kevin Jonas.

SIDE NOTE: look at THIS.

Slim thicc daddy, K-Jo is no longer the least popular Jonas because he is GROWN and he is ready for the crown.

Sophie Turner Trolls Maisie Williams' Sex Scene And Points Out The Game Of Thrones 'Easter Egg' We All Missed

*sips wine*

CAUTION: SPOILERS AHEAD. THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS REFERENCES FROM GAME OF THRONES SEASON 8, EPISODE 2

Ah, Sophie Turner, queen of trolling.

She never sleeps.

via GIPHY

During Game Of Thrones season eight, episode 2, Sophie Turner took to Instagram Stories to delightfully troll on-screen sister, Maisie Williams after her character, Arya, lost her virginity.

via GIPHY

In the most recent instalment of her Insta Story series, That’s The Tea, Sis, Sophie said, glass of wine in hand,

“In honour of Easter, I guess Game of Thrones wanted the storyline to have a little Easter Bunny hop, hop hoppin,”

She zooms in on her face, like an expert meme-master and says,

“into that pussssaaaaaaay.”

She finishes the straight-up troll by downing the rest of her wine. (Relatable queen.)

Thanks GoT for staying seasonal, hiding Easter Eggs in plain sight.

And that’s the tea, sis.

via GIPHY

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