Boxing Day – it’s the most wonderful time of the year. For your wallet, not you personally, I mean. Crowds several thousand strong, hour long wait times at the till, stinking hot temperatures and struggling air-con. But you’ve got to weight all that against those delicious deals – after all, no pain, no $2.5 billion gain! Might want to stock up on Panadol, though.
These are the 9 types of people you see at the Boxing Day sales:
1. Frazzled middle-class mums trying desperately to make up for disappointing their terrible, spoiled kids at Christmas by buying them a brand new Xbox. Guaranteed to be the first to resort to outright violence if threatened. Bonus points if you see the kids raiding the shelves somewhere, because the mums sure as hell haven’t seen them in at least 15 minutes.
2. The ‘browser’ who can’t commit to actually buying anything, but is somehow just invested enough to be hogging the service staff’s attention. Will not stop their non-consensual game of 20 Questions for any amount of tutting, despite the 3km queue building up behind them. May also be trying to haggle with the Myer cashier because they don’t understand how sales work.
3. Teens who loiter near the escalators, preventing efficient flow between levels. Definitely the most irritating obstacle – they’re like slow walkers on steroids. They also may literally be on steroids, so unless you’re an MMA champion, don’t pick a fight.
4. The thrifty grifter who buys an entire shelf of heavily discounted products. You can only assume they plan to make bank by flogging it all on eBay later in the day – no human person needs seven coffee machines.
5. Awful husbands who stand around (usually in the middle of the aisle) loudly complaining either at or about their wives. Will target terrified Millennial men who are passing by with WOMEN, HUH?! ‘jokes’. They will laugh uncomfortably.
6. The pissed idiot who is clearly still reeling from too much festive booze on Christmas Day, and for unknown reasons decided the Boxing Day sales were still a good idea. May occasionally intersect with the previous category.
7. The Broke and the Beautiful, who will not give up even after their card has been declined four times. I’m not judging you for being broke, but check your banking app before you get to the checkout.
8. Completely impotent ‘security’ guards. Who are they kidding, there is no such thing as safety during the Boxing Day sales! It’s a lawless wasteland out there. The Purge had a lower body count.
9. Last but not least: vacant, soulless sales assistants. It’s not their fault they’re still greeting customers with ‘Good morning’ at 3 in the afternoon, they haven’t seen the sun since mid-December. Please be polite and sympathetic, because no-one else will be.
Honestly, is it even worth putting yourself through all the hassle? The 2018 sales were pretty disappointing, and Black Friday is usually better anyway. Besides, the online deals will be just as good, if not better.