Bleats

The 9 Types Of People You See At The Boxing Day Sales

It's like a bad-person bingo.

Boxing Day – it’s the most wonderful time of the year. For your wallet, not you personally, I mean. Crowds several thousand strong, hour long wait times at the till, stinking hot temperatures and struggling air-con. But you’ve got to weight all that against those delicious deals – after all, no pain, no $2.5 billion gain! Might want to stock up on Panadol, though.

These are the 9 types of people you see at the Boxing Day sales:

1. Frazzled middle-class mums trying desperately to make up for disappointing their terrible, spoiled kids at Christmas by buying them a brand new Xbox. Guaranteed to be the first to resort to outright violence if threatened. Bonus points if you see the kids raiding the shelves somewhere, because the mums sure as hell haven’t seen them in at least 15 minutes.

2. The ‘browser’ who can’t commit to actually buying anything, but is somehow just invested enough to be hogging the service staff’s attention. Will not stop their non-consensual game of 20 Questions for any amount of tutting, despite the 3km queue building up behind them. May also be trying to haggle with the Myer cashier because they don’t understand how sales work.

3. Teens who loiter near the escalators, preventing efficient flow between levels. Definitely the most irritating obstacle – they’re like slow walkers on steroids. They also may literally be on steroids, so unless you’re an MMA champion, don’t pick a fight.

4. The thrifty grifter who buys an entire shelf of heavily discounted products. You can only assume they plan to make bank by flogging it all on eBay later in the day – no human person needs seven coffee machines.

5. Awful husbands who stand around (usually in the middle of the aisle) loudly complaining either at or about their wives. Will target terrified Millennial men who are passing by with WOMEN, HUH?! ‘jokes’. They will laugh uncomfortably.

6. The pissed idiot who is clearly still reeling from too much festive booze on Christmas Day, and for unknown reasons decided the Boxing Day sales were still a good idea. May occasionally intersect with the previous category.

7. The Broke and the Beautiful, who will not give up even after their card has been declined four times. I’m not judging you for being broke, but check your banking app before you get to the checkout.

8. Completely impotent ‘security’ guards. Who are they kidding, there is no such thing as safety during the Boxing Day sales! It’s a lawless wasteland out there. The Purge had a lower body count.

9. Last but not least: vacant, soulless sales assistants. It’s not their fault they’re still greeting customers with ‘Good morning’ at 3 in the afternoon, they haven’t seen the sun since mid-December. Please be polite and sympathetic, because no-one else will be.

Honestly, is it even worth putting yourself through all the hassle? The 2018 sales were pretty disappointing, and Black Friday is usually better anyway. Besides, the online deals will be just as good, if not better.

These Subscription Boxes Are Straight Fire If You Want A Gift That Keeps On Giving

You don't even have to get up.

In between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and Christmas, let’s face it: we’re always desperate for last minute gift ideas. But that’s doesn’t mean you have to go scrambling around the shopping centre the night before.

The latest and greatest innovation in product purchasing is the subscription box concept. Pay a monthly fee and you get two wins in one – not only do you never have to leave the house, but the presents are seemingly never-ending! So much more satisfying than having forty boxes of regret turn up on your doorstep after a night of online shopping under the influence.

Me clicking ‘order’ on another novelty lamp that I don’t need

The best thing about subscriptions by far is that they work as a gift for
yourself, just as much as for friends and family. But there are so many unique boxes on the market, how do you decide which to get? Well, take a seat, we got this.

Beauty packages have been around for a hot minute, but they can get pretty expensive. Bellabox offer a great middle ground – you’ll get some brand names, but all are sample size. At only $20 though, you can’t go wrong. If you’re looking to go a bit more upmarket, especially if you’re treating Mum to something nice, take a squizz at Peony Parcel, whose luxury box is filled with all sorts of pampering goodies, like candles, candies and creams. All Aussie brands, at that.

But maybe you’re looking for something a little more unusual, maybe more practical too? Or maybe it’s your dad or brother you’re buying for, and scented lotions would go down like a lead balloon. Consider a sock subscription. Crazy, colourful wearables for your feet are all the rage right now, and if you don’t want to miss out on the fun then try Sock It Up on for size.

Maybe you want to fill out your own drawer instead, and want something a little more affordable. If you’re a fan of good boys, you can’t go past The Monthly Mutt for excellent dog content. For only $10, each month you’ll get a different breed. Shipping is fast, and free.

Tasty treats more up your alley? There’s plenty of those around too, don’t stress! Blue Mountains brand Marshmallow Club create handmade fluffy cloud of sweet goodness and will send them out to you in regular shipments, while the creative geniuses at Bake It Box have designed recipe kits for you to DIY something magnificent every month.

Whether you have kids, know kids, or are a kid (in which case I have no idea how or why you’re reading this), the best gift in the world is education. You can easily win Aunty/Uncle of the Year thanks to the geniuses over at KiwiCo, who have devised a number of monthly educational-yet-fun STEM boxes for different age groups that’ll pack plenty of learning in – and you get to enjoy a savvy b while shopping in your PJs.

Don’t let kids have all the fun – we all need to express ourselves creatively from time to time. It might seem crazy, but yes, subscription boxes do have every aspect of your life covered (at this point the only thing they can’t do is go to work for you). Sketchbox will send little projects to the craftiest designers and disaster artists alike, complete with all the materials you could possible ask for.

And if you want to kick back with something a little less involved, a subscription to Relove Print is your best bet. You get a preloved book for less than $10, and best of all it’ll be a totally unexpected story.

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