I’m 23 and the only conversation I’ve had with my parents about sex is the one when they told me not to do it. I was 11 years old, maybe 12. I’d already gone through all the fun parts of puberty (except the boobs – those never came through).
I was an awkward 12-year-old with caterpillars for eyebrows and thought pulling tight t-shirts all the way down to my hips would hide my baby fat. It didn’t.
I wasn’t insecure in my body, that would come later. But I WAS aware of it, and I had no idea what to do with that awareness.
Every person remembers the time in their life when things… changed and they wondered what the hell was going on.
But what do you do with that change when the people closest to you don’t acknowledge it?
My family is religious and conservative; two things which together mean talking about sex is especially uncomfortable. Because of this, it’s never really been a conversation, but rather an unspoken expectation.
No acting on your urges, especially if you’re a girl. Ever.
My pubescent and adult life has been built on this expectation and, honestly? That’s okay. I’ve learnt to live with it.
But I often wonder how I would be different if that curious part of me was fostered more as a child. If “you can’t do that” was “it’s okay to do that”. What if I was taught that my body’s urges were natural and beautiful? What if I was taught that no parent, person or god would judge me for it?
The reality is that overly conservative families breed paranoid children who look over their shoulders as they do the things they shouldn’t. The only way to offset that paranoia is by having open conversations.
The scary part is that I’m not sure even the parents of today know how to have those conversations.
A generalisation? Maybe, but the proof is in the pudding. Or in this case it’s in our social media feeds.
An Aussie mum recently posted in a Facebook group for Kmart fans explaining that she’d used Kmart products to make a “relaxation station” for her teenage son, complete with tissues for his runny nose and cream for his dry hands.
“He likes to watch internet TV in bed and he has a chronic runny nose (tissue for days — I think it’s the aircon!), and he had problems with dry skin and goes through heaps of hand cream,” she explained in the group.
A mum shared her innocent Kmart hack online — where people pointed out her teen son probably had another X-rated use for it. https://t.co/Gvnvhr0Abg
— news.com.au (@newscomauHQ) March 14, 2019
People were quick to point out it sounded less like a relaxation station and more like a “masturbation station”. TV, tissues, hand cream – we get it.
Some people in the group called BS, saying they thought the post was a prank. Others had a laugh; how could this mum be so oblivious?!
Whether it’s fake or real there’s one thing this mum’s efforts highlight: parents still know nothing about their children’s sex lives. That or they feign ignorance.
But ignorance is not constructive.
I know talking about sex with your teenager isn’t exactly a comfortable experience. You don’t want to think about your little boy or girl growing up and being in those kinds of, ah, positions. Trust me, mums and dads, we hate talking about it as much as you do. But if everything was about what we liked instead of what we needed, the world would be a very different place.
We need parents who are more willing.
We need parents who are more open minded.
We need parents who are more gentle.
Knowing you have a support network that will allow you to open up without judgement is one of the most comforting things, especially when you’re 12 and unsure and have bushy eyebrows.
