A Man Chopped The Manhood Off A Maori Carving With A Chainsaw

Chainsaw + moral outrage = some very disappointed judges

An elderly New Zealand man has appeared in court for what the local press are calling a “phallus felling” and we are describing as “chopping the dick off a Maori carving with a chainsaw” because we are a little less dainty around these parts.

The man in question is Milton Wainwright. The Maori carving in question is a pou, an iwi carving of at the eastern end of the Manawatū Gorge (near Palmerston on the North Island).

First he attempted to de-wang it with a hand saw but was no match for the virile carving, returning the next day with a chainsaw because that’s what any reasonable person would do wait no.

When people think “chainsaw” they usually think “stable person doing wise things”, right?

The mystery of who gelded the artwork was swiftly solved since Wainwright had previously complained about its mighty doodle to the police, the district and regional councils and the Department of Conservation, including emailing the mayor of Tararua to ask what the penalty would be for chopping off the statue’s peen.

Which, as perfect crimes go, kinda left a bit of subtlety to be desired. The first rule of attacking a Maori carving with a chainsaw is “don’t let the authorities know you’re planning to attack a Maori carving with a chainsaw”, man.


“I don’t see how it can be so wrong to make an indecent thing so decent,” Mr Wainwright told reporters of the statue whose old fella he cut off, explaining that he had God’s support in some indistinct way.

“He who doesn’t stand for something will fall for anything. I stood for decency in public places [through wilful penis vandalism].”

Oddly enough, the court disagreed with this desecration of a culturally significant artefact in a public being reasonable or decent, and he’ll be back before the court to discuss the “restorative justice” he’ll be facing.

Similarly the people for whom this carving was an ancestral representation weren’t cool about it either.

Symbolic re-enactment.

Rangitāne iwi kaumatua Manahi Paewai declared that “The damage done has caused a large amount of hurt, damage and anguish to our people and people in the community,” and that the carving would be removed and replaced.

So, hot tip: if there’s some culturally significant artwork that you don’t care for, maybe put on your big boy trousers and just accept that maybe not absolutely everything needs to get your explicit sign-off rather than, say, attacking it with a chainsaw.

Just a bit of a… um, tip.

Can You Catch Herpes From Chugging An Influencer's Rancid Bath Water?

It's not a question we imagined answering today, but here we are.

It really didn’t take long for the news that an Instagram star was selling her bathwater to be accompanied by the (ahem) viral news that said bathwater had infected 50+ people with herpes.

And TL;DR version: it was a hoax. Or, less kindly, fib.

Now, some of the story is true: Instagram gaming identity Belle Delphine did indeed announce that she was selling jars of her bathwater via her online store, and it would appear that some was genuinely shipped to fans.

However, the claim that the water was infectious was made up by Twitter user @BakeRises who mocked up a fake Daily Mail avatar and headline above.

And said account has been suspended, although fact checking site Snopes reported that it wasn’t before they tweeted the astute “It seems the best way to grow on Twitter is to impersonate a company and say things about a celebrity that legally can be considered libel and I could potentially be sued for”.

And for the record, you can’t get herpes though bathwater.

The herpes virus can only be transferred via skin-to-skin contact, as it can’t survive for long without a living host. They’re pretty specialised things, viruses, krazy little not-quite-living things that they are.

That’s the GOAT difference, friends: come for the tea, stay for the epidemiology!

Hey, Dudes, Sneakily Taking The Condom Off Is Assault And Just Stop Doing It

Australia, it's time to fall back in love with the humble franger.

It shouldn’t really need saying, but condoms are awesome.

Using them generally means that there’s some sex-doing going on, which is generally a fun sort of a thing, and when used correctly they’re great for preventing pregnancy and helping prevent the spread of STIs.

According to a new report out of Monash university of people that have sex with men, one in the three women and one in five dudes had their partner de-condom themselves during sex.

Gif makes a good point.

And given that 75 per cent of young Australians are having condomless sex as it is (mainly partnered, but a third of whom barebacking with casual partners), it’s amazing that we’re not seeing a massive spike in sexually transmitted diseases and oh wait we are dear god how are any of us even alive?

And removing the condom during sex should fall under the umbrella of sexual assault, but it’s legally still something of a grey area. And “grey area” is not a term that should be applied to anything sexual.

A starting point would be to make it a crime in itself, because saying yes to safe sex is not remotely the same as saying yes to absorbing someone’s mysterious personal fluids.

So let’s start again: condoms are great, practical, low-risk high-effectiveness ways to prevent pregnancy and disease.

But also, if you’re the sort of a dude that is prepared to put your partner at risk for literally a couple of minutes of action which you’re already getting (and which, if you’re any good at doing the sex, should be feeling pretty spectacular in any case), then you literally have no business being up in anyone else’s business.

And be advised that men who refuse contraception are correlated with other abusive behaviours, meaning that this is a giant red flag.

Again: dudes. Be better.

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