Bleats

We Finally Have An End Date For Human Civilisation, So That's Nice

Better finish that TV marathon before society ends.

We joke about the end of the world and the like all the time because it is still presumably still quite a while away and there’s still time to fix this genuine existential threat. But with the release of a new scientific analysis on the end of human civilisation, we have an official window when society will plunge into Mad Max levels of chaos and it’s a lot closer than we all initially thought.

According to a new paper published by the Breakthrough National Centre for Climate Restoration, which is a think-tank based in Melbourne, the end of the world as we know it will arrive at around 2050 thanks to climate change.

I thought it would be around 2065ish, at least.

The paper outlines a pretty frightening yet plausible scenario of what will happen over the next 30 or so years if we all continue with our current lackadaisical attitude towards climate change.

In a nutshell, policy makers don’t agree on the current Paris Agreement, which will lead to escalating CO2 levels and warming of up to 3°C by 2050, resulting in a sea level increase of 0.5 metres. This will lead to the collapse of several ecosystems, devastating weather extremes, a billion people having to relocate due to unlivable conditions, another billion people being left without sufficient water supplies, and a massive drop in food production in most regions in the world.

Once food and water become scarce, society will lose their minds in hunger and the world becomes something out of a post-apocalyptic movie directed by George Miller but with less cars. Okay, this last part wasn’t in the report but I’ve watched enough movies to know what happens at that point.

Accurate recreation of human civilisation in 2050.

To prevent this end-of-the-world scenario from happening, the paper states that the only way to do it is to build a “zero-emissions industrial system [to] set in train the restoration of a safe climate” that is akin in scale to the “WWII emergency mobilisation.” In other words, we need to fix this climate change problem right and we gotta go frigging huge.

Now this may all seem like an exaggeration of the highest order but we should all sit up and take notice because the paper’s author is a former fossil fuel executive. You know something is serious if someone who originally spent their career killing the earth is now telling everyone to save it.

To really nail this whole “fix the earth” point home, the paper also contains a foreword from retired Admiral Chris Barrie, Chief of the Australian Defence Force from 1998 to 2002 and former Deputy Chief of the Australian Navy, who heaps praise on the research for “bare the unvarnished truth about the desperate situation humans, and our planet, are in, painting a disturbing picture of the real possibility that human life on Earth may be on the way to extinction, in the most horrible way.”

Hear, hear.

So for those who have a contingency plan in place for when society collapses, well you’re already one step ahead of everyone and the thought of investing in a nuclear bunker suddenly doesn’t seem like such a ridiculous idea.

The Day After Tomorrow Is Way More Relevant Today Than It Was 15 Years Ago

And special shout out to Jake Gyllenhaal who looks exactly the same today as he did back then.

When The Day After Tomorrow came out way back in 2004, it was something of a unique blockbuster compared to the usual fare. Whereas other big-budget flicks were magic-based, period epics, or goofy animated showcases, Tomorrow grounded itself by having climate change as its big bad as opposed to some super-powered evil being with loosely-written motives.

Sure it wasn’t perfect – the story and character were pretty stock standard, and the science made as much sense as sticking your dick in a black hole –  but it did its job perfectly: be entertaining while appearing to be smarter than it actually is and make a bunch of money.

But in light of what’s happened to our green(ish) earth over the last few years, what was intended to be a dumb, showy blockbuster has instead turned out to be one of the most relevant films of today.

Literally can’t tell if it’s from the movie or real life.

You’ve probably heard that climate change is quickly becoming a serious problem, so much so that we may have already passed the point of no return when it comes to fixing it and schoolkids are actually doing more about the issue than adults.

All those unsubtle arguments about climate change and the protecting the environment in The Day After Tomorrow have suddenly taken on a whole new life upon rewatching the film again 15 years later. What initially seemed like bogus science may actually now carry some tiny grain of awful truth based on the number of severe floods and natural disasters we’ve had around the world over the last year or so.

Okay, maybe we haven’t reached the point where tsunamis several hundred metres high are crashing into skyscrapers but we’re definitely inching towards it.

Yeah, we can’t explain it either, Jake.

I don’t think anyone expected The Day After Tomorrow to go from blockbuster to pseudo-documentary in just 15 years but we’re living in strange times where the climate is changing for the worst yet those in power refuse to do anything to help and some people flat out deny that climate change is an actual thing.

It seems like the only way to save the environment is to educate people about how climate change is a real issue that needs our attention, and what better way to do that than to get everyone to watch a dumb, big-budget blockbuster from 15 years ago that will never be ranked as one of the greatest films ever made but is somehow the most important film of the present day.

The New Royal Baby's Name Has Sent Riverdale Fans Into A Conspiracy Tailspin

They may be onto something with a few of these weird memes...

We have a name for the new royal baby, folks.

From henceforth, the little bub shall be known as… Archie.

To be more specific, his full name is Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor, which feels like Prince Harry and Meghan Markle decided to have a competition to make the most unregal name ever concocted in British Royal Family history.

Naming aside, the one thing everyone can agree on is that the new baby is simply adorable.

While the world rejoices over Archie entering this green(ish) world, the reveal of the baby’s name has sent Riverdale fans into a meme-filled tailspin because, you know, the bub’s name is the same the show’s main character and that MUST mean something.

To be honest, a lot of the resulting conspiracies and jokes are pretty dumb (not unlike the show actually) but holy hell are they hilariously fun.

Things started with some simple “oh hey, it’s Archie” jokes, including a very meta tweet from the official Archie Comics Twitter account.

Things quickly escalated as the baby’s name quickly prompted speculation that Harry and Meghan are secret Riverdale fans and named their son purely out of their love for the show.

Others took issue with the choice of name as some think Jughead is clearly the better option (and character) and Archie is the absolute worst thing on Riverdale.

With the line between reality and fiction being blurred, some began to jokingly speculate over how Archie’s birth will inspire future seasons of Riverdale, which won’t be the craziest thing to happen on the show.

Others have already started looking forward to more royal babies in the future because it means more Riverdale naming opportunities. My sympathies to Archie’s hypothetical future siblings.

But out of all the jokes and conspiracies, our absolute favourite is this fantastic gem about how Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor will turn out when he grows up.

Hmmm, Prince Harry has red hair and freckles while Meghan also has freckles. You know what, little Archie growing up with red hair and freckles, and dating a girl named Betty or Veronica isn’t actually as farfetched as one might think.

Having said that, I shudder if that last thing happens because the internet will almost certainly collapse upon itself due to the sheer weight of the metaness that’s going on.

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