Bleats

This List Of The Worst Possible Furbaby Names Is Downright Inspirational

Humankind, you just can't come up with names worse than these.

It’s easy to worry about robots replacing us in a Terminator-style future, but thankfully neural networks are here to show that wow, computers are actually idiots.

Without wanting to get technical, neural networks are systems built by wizards to make machines learn language through magic. And there are few things in the world more glorious than putting a bunch of inputs into one and then asking it to, say, come up with names for cats.

And that’s what machine learning programmer Janelle Shane decided to do at her AI Weirdness blog. So if you’re looking for a name for your new bundle of thing, here are some terrible suggestions courtesy of a stupid and unfeeling machine.

Pictured: how neural networks are made.

So pause for a moment and imagine calling these things out of a window while tapping a tin of cat food:

Dr Leg
Chicken Whiskey
Funky Moe
Gregory Chimney
Beep Boop
Tom Noodle
Peanutbutterjiggles
Ringo Shuffles
Whiskeridoo
Scat Cat Butthole
Gangrene
Moisture
Oilbag
Buttwig
Dr Fart
Lillith The Vamp
Elle Fury
Deadbolt
Romeo of Darkness
Fist
Warning Signs
Kill All Humans
Bones Of The Master
Mr. Sinister
Evil Whispers
Stranglehold
Sparky Buttons

There are even more at her site and goddamn, they are perfect for any pet – or for that matter, pregnancy – that you’re considering.

And please, let GOAT be first to wish you congratulations upon the arrival of dear little Fist.

What Keeps Me Up At Night: Where Do All The Star Trek Missiles Go?

Is Earth just waiting for a comically sci-fi death at the hands of space bombs?

There are many, many stupid things which go through my head as I attempt to sleep. What sort of a future are we leaving our children? How can we we stem the worldwide rise of fascism? And, of course, where do all the missiles fired in Star Trek go?

Admittedly, this last one is new, and in my head purely because of a tweet by Soren Bowie, writer for American Dad:

…and now I can think of LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE.

It’s not just Star Trek: it’s Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica and every other sci-fi franchise. All of them involve ships blasting stuff at other ships and not nailing their targets 100 per cent of the time.

And also, if you’ve ever wondered whether there are aliens out there and that they’re zipping around in spaceships and yet still having artillery battles as though they’re 17th century war frigates, then this has practical consequences.

Ahoy!

Just think about it the huge battle above Endor that is the third act of Return of the Jedi, for example:

Thousands upon thousands of laser blasts are unleashed around the Death Star, many of which hit something – but a greater amount miss their target.

That’s great for Wedge Antilles and his plucky band of pilots, but less great for whatever might be on a straight line behind them because that blast is going to just keep going.

Yeah, Ackbar, we know.

On Earth if you fire a bullet it’ll travel for a while before things like gravity and air resistance slow it down. In the vacuum of space, that doesn’t apply.

Newton’s First Law of Motion states (in part) that an object that is in motion will not change its velocity unless a force acts upon it. So that missile/laser blast/mysterious space plasma is just going to keep going… and going… and going… until it impacts something or gets close enough to a planet or star or black hole to have its path gravitationally altered.

And in open space, that could take billions of years. There’s surprisingly little stuff out there and space, as Douglas Adams so accurately said, is big. Vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big.

And full of bubbles, apparently.

So, if there really are civilisations out there having spaceship pew-pews at one another, the inhabited bits of the universe should be criss-crossed with laser beams and explosive space ordinance from potentially millennia of interplanetary battles.

And if they’re not (spoiler: as best we can tell, they’re not) then… then maybe we’re really on our own in this corner of the Milky Way.

On the other hand, we did see a mysterious high-speed object – ʻOumuamua – zip through the solar system in 2017. And sure, it was almost certainly a comet – but maybe, just maybe, it was a massive explosive fired a long time ago from a galaxy far, far away…

5G Literally Cannot Hurt You So Stop Believing Facebook Scare Campaigns

Oh great, another health panic based on absolutely nothing.

There are a bunch of scare campaigns going around about the coming of the new telecommunications standard 5G.

There’s a petition going around right now claiming that it will involve “concentrated and focused electromagnetic radiation far greater than current levels and will result in a massive increase in inescapable, involuntary exposure to wireless radiation.”

Except the 5G rollout doesn’t involve using scary new tech. It involves using a wider range of the radio spectrum, mainly bits of it which have been previously used for different communications and broadcast. And… um, that’s it.

But if you’re worried about the terrifying claims of high-radiation broadcasts causing cancer by shameless tech companies who only seek profits over human life, man, then we have some good news: it’s complete garbage.

Worf knows what’s what.

Why ? The short answer is physics.

Light comes in a bunch of different wavelengths, which is a fancy way to say “some wiggle a lot more because they carry loads of energy”.

Some wavelengths of light wiggle powerfully enough to actually penetrate skin and do damage to cells – gamma rays, for example. Beneath them are x-rays, and then less-powerful ultraviolet light (the thing that gives you sunburn).

Xrays are fun! And also do penetrate the skin – that’s why they work – and therefore too dangerous to have recreationally. STOP RISKING YOUR HEALTH, GIF!

Weaker yet is visible light. That’s not strong enough to penetrate your skin, and the way you can prove that is by noticing that you’re not invisible.

Visible light can’t do any damage because it’s just not wiggling powerfully enough to get into you and get cancer-busy.

Radio waves are even weaker than that, and 5G (and all mobile phone transmission, and broadcast transmission, and wi-fi) uses radio waves.

More specifically, 5G will be operating around the 15 gigahertz range while visible light is up in the 400 to 750 terahertz spectrum. In other words, a lightbulb is emitting radiation which is several orders of magnitude more powerful than 5G and it’s still nowhere near strong enough to get past the dead cells in the top layer of your skin.

Those long-but-weak wavelengths are great for communication because they travel a long way using very little energy, but the downside is that they don’t penetrate stuff at all well, as you’ve discovered every time you’ve been on a phone call or listening to the radio when driving through a tunnel.

So: unless you’re suddenly rendered invisible and therefore having really low energy wavelengths of light penetrate you, you’re totally immune to 5G.

Honest. You’re all good.

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