You should probably sit down if you aren’t already because there’s some pretty shocking news coming out of Russia, where a team of French researchers have completed what is claimed to be the first forensic examination of the only remaining pieces of the corpse of Adolf Hitler in 70 years.
Their conclusion: it turns out he’s definitely, comprehensively dead.
Possibly not the real Hitler.
To be fair, most people suspected as much due to a) the thing where he reportedly took poison, b) the thing where he reportedly shot himself in the head, c) the thing where his body was burned by his staff and d) the fact that he’d be an implausible 129 years old at the moment.
However, predictably, there are plenty of completely ridiculous conspiracy theories around about Hitler escaping through what would effectively be magic.
And just in case you were worried that he was still hanging about, be assured: at the very, very least he’d be missing some fairly vital bits of his jaw and mouth, which were the parts that the team analysed.
The main things they looked at were the teeth, since good records exist of the frankly bizarre dentistry of his personal dentist Hugo Blaschke and his assistant Kathe Heusermann, who helped create the Fuhrer’s “conspicuous and unusual prostheses and bridgework”.
The teeth matched the records, and the fact they were held by the Russian government rather than in the face of an immortal Nazi wizard is consistent with the accepted narrative that Adolf bravely committed suicide by gunshot in his Berlin bunker and had his corpse burned before the Russian Red Army arrived on April 30, 1945.
“We can stop all the conspiracy theories about Hitler,” lead pathologist Philippe Charlier told Agence France Press. “He did not flee to Argentina in a submarine; he is not in a hidden base in Antarctica or on the dark side of the moon.”
Reports he’d been turned into an adorable puppy are harder to deny, though.
Oh, Charlier. Don’t you realise that the mere fact you used science (science!) to come to your conclusion is going to be taken as proof that there’s a coverup that Hitler IS living in a hidden submarine base on the Moon? Have you never met anti-vaxxers or 9/11 Truthers? Counter evidence just proves that the conspiracy is even greater than they feared!
Still, if Hitler is on the Moon, he’s probably getting really sick of soup and porridge. Serves him right for leaving his gnashers with the Russians.