India Plans To Create A Breed Of Super Intelligent Children Using Cow Urine

An ingenious solution that nobody asked for to an issue no one thought about.

Every parent hopes that their kid will turn out to be the next Mozart-esque prodigy or something, even though the odds are ridiculously low. So in an attempt to shift odds in their favour, India is planning to create “highly intellectual” children through science using, uh *checks notes* cow piss and dung.

Cheers to that!

According to The Print, government body Rashtriya Kamdhenu Aayog (National Commission for Cows) is working with India’s Ministry of AYUSH to create a panchgavya (mixture used in Hindu rituals) drug using cow urine and faeces.

Apparently pregnant Indian women may be able produce “smart, highly intellectual and healthy children” if they took this bovine-based drug regularly. At least that’s what the commission claims anyway.

The commission’s chairman, Vallabhbhai Kathiria, vouches for the plan as he says shastras and Ayurveda texts back up this “cow urine equals child prodigy” idea and have sought the Indian AYUSH ministry’s help in mass-producing the drug, as well as plans to appoint vaidyas (practitioners of Ayurvedic medicine) in villages to prescribe this drug to pregnant women.

So you can put away that skepticism because it’s happening!

Yes, and it’s not just because it’s sterile and you like the taste.

Is there scientific basis behind this idea of using cow piss and poop to make a drug that will result in pregnant Indian women giving birth to super smart kids who will make Mozart seem stupid? No, not really.

Is this whole plan less because of the medicinal qualities of bovine urine and faeces and more because of the abundance of the stuff in India and someone’s come up with a way to monetise it? Almost certainly.

But hey, Steve Rogers was given superhuman abilities thanks to some blue stuff in a test tube. Batman and Iron Man became superheroes thanks to fancy tech. If Marvel and DC can turn regular folks into something extraordinary, so can India’s National Commission for Cows and the tonnes of bovine waste they’ve been hoarding.

In Horrifying News, Your Daily Junk Food Binge Can Make You Go Deaf And Blind

Starting to think this junk food stuff isn't that good for us.

When I was young, my parents told me endlessly to stay away from junk food and eat all my vegetables or I’ll die of cancer, go blind and/or deaf (or some other debilitating illness depending their creativity that day). As it turns out, their attempts to scare me into a healthy diet wasn’t completely unfounded.

According to The Independent, a 14-year-old UK teenager has been left irreversibly blind and deaf after living off a junk food diet that consisted of nothing but *checks notes* French fries, Pringles, sausages, processed ham and white bread.

Apparently the teen started abandoning anything remotely approaching healthy when he was just seven and opened his arms to all things junk food ever since.

You’d think that a diet like this would offer up some outward warning signs but his mother says he remained “thin as a rake” the whole time. However, she began to suspect something was up when he started bringing home his packed lunches completely untouched, not to mention that his brother and sister were eating anything and everything put on their plate.

There’s apparently a medical reason for why the teen went on this gamer’s diet as he was diagnosed with “avoidant-restrictive food intake disorder”, in which sufferers avoid food with a certain texture, smell or taste.

Huh. That just sounds like he was picky AF.

You’d think the kid would learn his lesson after losing his sight due to a damaged optical nerve and losing all hearing but Dr Denize Atan, the doctor who’s been caring for him, says he’s still eating junk food but with vitamin supplements sprinkled on top these days.

Dr Atan also says it wasn’t necessarily the processed food that caused problems for the teen, it was because he was eating only junk and nothing else. Gee, who would’ve thought having a diet of unhealthy food would lead to health problems?

This unique case did make it into a medical journal as a case study to warn other people about the dangers of embracing a gamer’s diet so the teen’s got that going for him at least.

A case study says this is good for you!

So when next time someone tells you to lay off the junk food and to eat something healthy, maybe listen to them. Otherwise you’ll end up blind, deaf and the subject of a scientific case study that’ll form the basis of an article making fun of why a junk food-only diet is stupid and dangerous.

Your Pa Officially Necked More Six-Packs Than You, So Don’t Let Him Scold You

Well, well, well, looks like the beer is in the other glass.

Look, Australians love their alcohol, so much so we’re ranked well within the top 20 drunkest countries in the world. So it’s a bit of a surprise to know that pearl-clutching baby boomers are bigger boozehounds than millennials ever were.

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, we as a country guzzled down 185.8 million litres between 2016-17 compared to the 188.2 million litres between 2015-16.

In fact, our drinking levels are at their lowest since 1961-62 so not only are you opting for coffee over booze, your nan and pop have definitely necked more six-packs back in the day than you ever have.

Breaking down the stats further, the decrease in alcohol consumption for Australians isn’t because we’re favouring one type of drink over the other either. Beer (which is the leading type of booze), wine, cider, spirits and ready-to-drink pre-mixes have all dropped in popularity compared to previous years.

As for how much millennials are drinking compared to boomers, the average Australian over 15 years old during the 2016-17 period is knocking back “only” 9.4 litres of alcohol a year. In real-world maths, that’s:

  • 224 stubbies of beer
  • 38 bottles of wine
  • 17 bottles of cider
  • 4 bottles of spirits, and
  • 33 cans of premixed spirits

Take into account the one in five Aussies who don’t drink at all, it’s still a decent amount of grog. However, that’s nothing compared to the 13.1 litres of alcohol Aussies were necking every year back in the peak period of 1974-75.

So in short, not only are millennials not the boozehounds they might think they are but they would get drunk under the table by their boomer counterparts.

Much to learn you still have, young drunken padawan.

That being said, the stats did reveal an interesting shift in alcohol choice. Despite our love of a good beer, these days we’re moving towards wine, which trailed beer as the second most popular bevvy by less than one percent in terms of total alcohol consumed in 2016-17 (39.2% vs 38.3%).

So why are we drinking less these days? Rising grog prices and health reasons are a big part but Michael Thorn, CEO of the Foundation for Alcohol Research and Education, says young people are starting to drink later and end up drinking less. Some even end up being abstainers well into their 20s.

At least when someone is being an arsehole to you, you’re more likely to know that it’s their actual personality and not something that comes out when they’re all liquored up.

So to all those boomers telling millennials that they’re being drunk and irresponsible and how much better they were back in the day, they can shove it up their beer glass.

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