Bleats

30 Years On, Zack Morris Is Still The Most Problematic Character In Saved By The Bell

How is the guy not locked up in a prison cell with the key thrown away?

When someone brings up Saved By The Bell, the memories that follow usually revolve around Zack Morris breaking the fourth wall or hitting on Kelly Kapowski, AC Slater’s muscles, Jesse Spano being a know-it-all and Screech pining over Lisa Turtle.

But there’s one important thing that’s generally lost in the sea of nostalgic memories about the seminal teen sitcom: Zack Morris is by far the worst character on the show.

The absolute worst.

It’s been 30 years since Saved By The Bell first hit airwaves and all those shenanigans Zack got up to on the show have become even more problematic.

Don’t let that blonde haired kid who talks to himself and says “time out” a lot fool you, he’s a Machiavellian jerk who will do whatever it takes to get his way and has no qualms doing some legally dodgy stuff.

In fact, the guy has done so much awful stuff Funny Or Die compiled all his misdeeds into a video series fittingly titled “Zack Morris Is Trash,” which is the perfect thing to help outline just why this blonde sociopath is, well, trash.

Manipulating people because of his teenage libido

When he’s not dumping his girlfriend to hit on the attractive school nurse, using subliminal messages to brainwash girls into sex or telling his girlfriend’s little sister to hook up with him (twice), he’s sabotaging his best mate’s date with a new girl before getting into a fight over her.

Hard to believe this ranks as some of the least problematic stuff he’s done in Saved By The Bell.

Putting his friends and girlfriend through hell and back

From getting Screech struck by lightning and auctioning off Lisa to pay off a credit card bill to getting Jessie hooked on caffeine pills and getting Kelly into a car accident, how on earth does Zack Morris still have any friends after what he’s put them all through?

And let’s not even get started on the time he tricked his friends into joining the army before bailing on them.

Doing and saying sexist, racist and generally offensive stuff

Hoo boy, where to even begin.

There’s the time he made fun of the homeless, fat-shamed a poor girl who won a date with him, was super racist to Native Americans, faked a terminal illness just to win a dumb bet and shattered the confidence of a girl who needs a wheelchair.

Need we say more?

Doing seriously twisted and illegal things just to earn money

There’s doing morally bankrupt things and there’s doing illegal things. But this being Zack Morris, he’s dabbled in both and how he isn’t in jail for some of the stuff he’s done is just mindboggling.

He’s stolen school supplies for his side hustle, kidnapped someone just to fix a chess game, caused chemical burns to his classmates, drove while intoxicated and even sold revealing swimsuit photos of underage girls.

The fact he’s not locked up in a supervillain prison cell on an island in the middle of nowhere with a Hannibal Lecter mask continues to baffle me.

There's A Big Problem With Ewan McGregor Coming Back As Obi Wan For A Star Wars Show

Why hello there, narrative conundrums!

There’s not really much we can defend about the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy without throwing in a very defensive “okay, yes, but…”. But if there’s one thing in those films that everyone is in agreement with, it’s Ewan McGregor and his pitch perfect version of Obi Wan Kenobi.

Disney clearly think that as well and have decided to rope McGregor back into the Star Wars fray by giving him his own Obi Wan TV show.

According to Deadline, McGregor is in talks to dust off his lightsaber again for a yet-to-be titled Obi Wan Disney+ limited series. Apparently the idea for a series originated from discussions for a solo film for the character, which got scuppered when Solo: A Star Wars Story didn’t earn the $40 trillion dollars needed to warrant the greenlight.

Now this is fantastic news for Star Wars fans as many have been clamouring for more Obi Wan content ever since McGregor hung up his Jedi robes at the end of Revenge of the Sith. However, there’s one big problem with the idea of a limited series starring the Jedi master.

The show is planned to have six to eight episodes according to The Hollywood Reporter, which means around six to eight hours of content.

So… what exactly are they going to fill those hours with?

Use the force and think, Obi Wan.

The show is almost certainly going to be set in the years between Revenge of the Sith and A New Hope, which will see Obi Wan hiding on Tatooine and babysitting Luke Skywalker for the next few decades.

This means he can’t be going on any grand adventures or do anything big on Tatooine since that’ll draw the Empire’s attention. If this happened, he’d have to leave with Luke and it would take an incredible amount of narrative gymnastics in order to get the story back to where it needs to be at the start of A New Hope.

Having said that, the show also can’t just be Obi Wan hanging out in the desert, tricking Sand People and forgetting droids he knows since that’ll be an incredibly boring six to eight hours.

This is going to be a tough nut to crack.

So realistically, the only idea that could work within the show’s narrative confines is by having bounty hunters hunting down Jedi but even that approach could run out of steam before the end of the series’ six/eight-episode run.

But look, Ewan McGregor is coming back as Obi Wan Kenobi for a new Star Wars show and that’s a big win on so many levels. With no timeline confirmed for when the series will be in production or released, there’s plenty of time for Disney to hash out something that’ll make this show work.

If it doesn’t, well, at least we’ll have The Mandalorian to tide us over.

Bogans Can Dine On The 'Fat Pizza' Reboot Nobody Asked For

Who on earth thought a Fat Pizza reboot would be a good idea?

Fat Pizza, the cult Aussie bogan show you probably saw on SBS at some point, is coming back to our TV screens after 12 or so years off the air.

No, this is not a joke.

Look, I’m just as confused as you are.

The folks over at Channel Seven clearly know something we don’t because the network in their infinite wisdom has ordered a new season of Fat Pizza, titled Fat Pizza: Back In Business.

Show creator Pauly Fenech issued out a statement alongside the announcement and promising fans there will be “political incorrectness at its best.”

“Fat Pizza is one of the boldest Aussie comedies on television. Get set for bigger and cheesier storylines straight from the headlines. Social media trolls, get ready to rumble!”

There must be something in the water because we keep getting reboots of things no one asked for.

Fat Pizza was definitely a cult show back in the day but I don’t know if I would classify making mean-spirited fun of racial and cultural stereotypes as “bold” comedy.

That sort of stuff might’ve slipped by without much of a whimper during the show’s original 2000-2007 run but good luck trying to sell the same kind of Aussie bogan jokes today without offending people.

And besides, if I wanted to watch a show that revels in punching-down humour and offensive racial stereotypes, I’d just watch whatever rubbish Chris Lilley is pumping out.

“Comedy.”

Fenech will be returning for the reboot alongside classic characters like Mama, Sleek and Bobo, as well as appearances from Housos characters Shazza, Vanessa and Kev the Kiwi.

Interestingly, the show’s original breakout star, Rebel Wilson, is reportedly not involved with the new season. Read into that however you will.

As for when the new season of Fat Pizza will arrive, it will apparently drop later this year on 7Mate but don’t hold your breath. I certainly won’t.

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