Denial: Wait, seriously?
We just had William and Kate’s baby news clogging up our feed! We’re not ready for more monotonous, gushing stories about the monarchy.
Who cares about a bunch of posh folk 15,000 kilometres away?
We’ve got bigger things to worry about. Don’t make us list Serious News Stories. We’re not giving it the time. Nope. Nope nope nope.
Anger: OMG, stop already! We don’t care if Meghan’s dad is coming, isn’t coming, is terrible, is just kind of sad… Whatever, I’ve lost track. Can you tell us more about the homeless people that are getting shoved out of Windsor in some sort of gross insta-gentrification?
Sorry, she’s spending how much on a dress? £300,000?! Wow, do you think they could have used those pounds to, I don’t know, properly insulate Grenfell Tower? Or give to the charities we keep hearing so much about.
https://twitter.com/benmckenna/status/995294498942083072
Why the hell are these people on condoms?!
Meghan and Harry are everywhere in Britain, from Harry and Meghan condoms to royal wedding swimsuits to royal wedding water called “Still Harry” (still water), and “Meghan Sparkle” (sparkling water) https://t.co/Iu7dcgJyY5
— New York Times World (@nytimesworld) May 18, 2018
Bargaining: OK, maybe we can get amongst this as long as we mock it mercilessly the entire time and/or read thinkpieces about how Meghan being a royal is going to force a bunch of racist British people to suck it up? It’s certainly a welcome distraction from Laurel and Yanny.
Depression: I have absorbed knowledge of this event. I now know that their first dance as a couple will be to the sound of teacups clicking against saucers, and 250 swans will be slaughtered, boiled and served to guests…
And I hate myself. And I miss Game Of Thrones.
Acceptance:
Alright, get the bloody champers ready.
Come Saturday we’ll be sitting in front of the telly, waiting for the first guests to arrive at Windsor Castle like everybody else in the world, and hoping at least for one world-shatteringly shapely butt. That was the only thing that made the last one worthwhile, right?
Oh god, I just remembered: we’ll go through all this hoopla again when they have kids.