Bleats

The Queen Has The Weirdest Nickname Imaginable And It's All Prince William's Fault

Who wants to bet any that commoner that uses it gets executed?

It’s weird to think that the Queen has a nickname at all, but she does. And it’s… look, it’s not an obvious one.

It’s not Her Maj, or Royal-H, or Big Liz. It’s… it’s even odder than that.

It’s Gary.

Yes. The Royal Family refer to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, Queen of the United Kingdom and other Commonwealth realms, with the name of the weird guy from your high school.

It makes a bit more sense when you find out where it’s from: Prince William struggled to pronounce “Granny” when he was an infant, and the adorable-slash-hilarious name stuck.

The story goes that he fell down in the Palace and called out for Gary, and when baffled staff asked what the actual hell he was talking about the Queen swooped in, gathered him up and told her courtiers “I’m Gary”.

We assume it was delivered exactly like this.

This regal nickname for Big Liz, incidentally, is an example of what’s called “familinguistics”, the utterly fascinating study of the individual terms used by families. Yes, you thought those weird terms were just your fam but no: turns out everyone does it.

According to the linguist Gretchen McCulloch in her book Because Internet there are two peaks for when terms tend to enter the family lexicon (when the kids are starting to speak and when the kids are in early adolescence) and that the most common thing to have a unique term is the television remote control.

What Gary calls her remote, sadly, is not currently known. Can someone please ask Prince William?

Prince William Just Rejuvenated The Monarchist Cause With Dreams Of A Queer King

Democracy, you had your chance.

Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, loves his kids.

This may not sound like a huge shock – history has shown that parents often love their children, even the screaming and/or sticky ones – but this was specifically with regards to his non-plans to stop loving them should they turn out to be not straight.

And he’s now gone on record as making clear that the sexuality of his children is not a dealbreaker to that love either.

What… what’s that thing dangling out of the bag?

“I think you don’t really start thinking about that until you are a parent, and I think – obviously, absolutely fine by me,” he said during a visit to the e Albert Kennedy Trust, a charity that provides accomodation for homeless queer youth.

“The one thing I’d be worried about is how, particularly the roles my children fill, how that is going to be interpreted and seen. So Catherine and I have been doing a lot of talking about it to make sure they were prepared.”

DOES HE HAVE ONE OF THESE GUYS IN THE BAG??? AND IF SO, WHY???

Of course, most parents aren’t in line for the British throne and also aren’t giving birth to people who are also in line for the British throne, so what he’s actually saying is that he’s fine with a gay king. Or queen, if Charlotte pips George to the gig.

And hey, it’s not like England’s not had LGBTIQ+ monarchs before. Isn’t that right, Edward II?

So anyway, young Ian McKellan was pretty hot.

And let’s be honest: once upon a time the idea of rule by an absolute monarch selected by birthright would have seemed somewhat off.

However, given the way democracy appears to be working of late the idea of a head of state (and, for that matter, head of the global Anglican Church!) which isn’t determined to weaponise LGBTIQ+ issues as an issue in some sort of religious freedom vs gay people feels progressive and kind, not to mention wise…

Look, maybe we’ve been all backwards on this monarchy thing, that’s all I’m saying.

Harry And Meaghan's New Kid Won't Ever Be A Prince

It's barely worth being born into wealth and privilege, really.

As all the excitement builds over what the name of Harry and Meaghan’s newborn bub and feverish speculation over his likely name (our guess: Optimus Prime), eye colour (maroon) and number of wings (five), we can give a definitive non-stupid answer on at least one thing:

He won’t be a prince.

To be fair, who is?

That’s no reflection on his qualities, that’s just because of a decision made over a century ago by the baby’s great-great-great-great grandfather, King George V.

“The grandchildren of the sons of any such Sovereign in the direct male line (save only the eldest living son of the eldest son of the Prince of Wales) shall have and enjoy in all occasions the style and title enjoyed by the children of Dukes of these Our Realms.”

In other words, kid’s a duke. Which is… look, it’s fine. It’s fine.

He’s also unlikely to ever occupy the throne, since he’s currently seventh in the line of succession after Poppa Charles, Uncle Billy, his cousins George, Charlotte and Lewis, and his dad.

So he’s just going to have to go through life eye-wateringly wealthy and surrounded by inherited privilege. Poor little tyke.

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