I’ve come to a decision: the sweatier the man, the worse he’s going to be at giving interviews. A bold statement, perhaps, but hear me out.
The absolutely abysmal interview that Prince Andrew did with the BBC has been floating around for a little while now, but in case you need a refresher (or just want to cringe all over again, I feel you), here’s a highlights reel.
He said Jeffry Epstein “conducted himself in a manner unbecoming”, which is how we all describe convicted sex offenders. He said that he couldn’t possibly have had sex with Virginia Giuffre, who had accused Epstein of trafficking her to Prince Andrew, because he was at a Pizza Express instead. He also tried to address Giuffre’s memory of his sweating all over her while they danced by saying it couldn’t have happened because he apparently doesn’t sweat.
Both scientists and the entire internet has called bullshit on that last one.
Which brings me to my next Very Sweaty Man Who Likes Pizza.
John Schnatter founded Papa John’s pizza over in the states in 1984, but got the boot as CEO last year. He was shown the door after using the n-word during a conference call, and by the sounds of his new interview he’s totally not at all bitter about it.
“I’ve had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days, and it’s not the same pizza,” he said. “It’s not the same product. It just doesn’t taste as good. The way they’re making the pizza is just not fundamental to what makes a Papa John’s pizza.”
The fact that the dude reckons he’s eaten more than 40 pizzas in a month may explain the fact that he’s very visibly damp throughout the entire interview.
He then went on for a bit about how the current Papa John’s board members should be in jail, and that “The day of reckoning will come, and the record will be straight.”
When the interviewer asked why he didn’t set the record straight during the interview, he just chuckled and said “stay tuned,” which is a very normal response.
This is my theory and I’m absolutely sticking to it. If you’re an interviewer, and the guy in front of you starts sweating profusely and talking about pizza, strap yourself in. You’re in for one hell of a ride.