Bleats

With Noir And Alternate-Universe Episodes On The Way, Riverdale Is Basically Just Doing Weird Theme Eps Now, And We're On Board

FINALLY.

If you’re still sticking with Riverdale, one of the most deliciously ridiculous shows on TV, then you’re probably down for whatever else they’re going to throw at you.

So while you spend the next month waiting around for that big Gargoyle King reveal, you have a couple more novelty episodes to look forward to. And they’re going to make the flashback/musical/John Hughes tribute episode look chill.

“One episode we’re doing is an episode called ‘Bizarrodale,’ which … instead of Archie, Betty, Veronica and Jughead being the Core Four, it treats Kevin, Cheryl, Reggie and Josie as the Core Four,” says creator Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa in an interview with The Wrap.

“And it’s a really fun episode. A really fun episode,” Aguirre-Sacasa says. “I’m really excited about that one.”

Your lesbian ginger goth queen awaits.

He also confirmed that there’s a “noir” episode coming up, which will be in black and white.

“The show has always been noir and always trending noir. But we’ve got an episode coming up that is completely noir: how it’s written, how it’s shot, the plot of it. And it’s really fun.”

Expect Juggy’s tortured voiceover to ramp up a few notches for that one. At least we know Cole Sprouse can pull off that vibe, even if he might have to lose the crown beanie.

Aguirre-Sacasa didn’t confirm a full-on crossover with Netflix’s Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina, which supposedly takes place in the same universe – the next town over, in fact. 

But he did tease that they’re trying to maybe, sort of, figure out how it might work if they were just like, “oh also witches and Satan and magic are totes real and live down the road from Riverdale BTW”.

And why not? Whether it’s the extremely-still-teenage Core Four heading off for wine-and-sex weekends at an upstate cabin like a group of 30-something couple friends, or the fact that this tiny town can apparently sustain TWO print newspapers, Riverdale has never remotely aimed for realism. Its embrace of the absurd, surreal and nonsensical is a flow you’ve just gotta go with.

Veronica has a speakeasy? Sure! The flashback episode set in the 90s looks like the 80s and also their parents were all in a band and witnessed a murder they’ve never mentioned despite all the other murder? Whatever!

If Sabrina proves anything, it’s that going full-on weirdo is way more fun than just talking about it and trying to fit in.

The biggest danger of those upcoming episodes, though, is that Cheryl, Kevin, Josie and Reggie are queerer, more diverse, snarkier and more self-aware than the original quartet – and might be way more interesting than anything the “real” Core Four have ever done or ever will do.

Hail Santa: Let The Trailer For The Sabrina Holiday Special Inspire Your Festive Goth Aesthetic

I'm dreaming of a fright Christmas.

If Christmas tends to be far too merry and bright for your liking, why not take some inspiration from the brand new trailer for Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina: A Midwinter’s Tale?

Reply to every “Merry Christmas” with “Bright solstice, sister!”

Under his eye!

Jazz up your door wreath with a pentagram!

pentagram wreath

Make sure all your festive candles throw a blood-red shadow!

Brood to make up for the too-colourful fairy lights!

WILL! I mean… HARVEY!

Get your boobs out with celebratory dark jewel tones!

Me on December 24…

Whatever this is!

… and me on December 26.

And whether you’re relaxing with a hot toddy or, for more summery Australian vibes, a glass of delicious chilled sangria (the most goth kind of punch), channel Hilda and Zelda’s arch self-satisfaction:

A Midwinter’s Tale drops on Netflix December 14, so carve out some room in your schedule between progressively-drunker rewatches of A Christmas Prince.

The Surprise Trailer For Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina Season 2 Already Has A Plot Hole

Also, smoochin'!

The trailer for the next season of Netflix’s Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina sees the surprisingly spooky series go even darker: Sabrina’s gone platinum blonde, is dressing a little bit more McQueen than Mad Men, and is straight-up setting s**t on fire, all to the tune of The Runaways’ ‘Cherry Bomb’.

Hilariously, Miranda Otto’s gloriously arch Aunt Zelda even lampshades the shift, glancing at Sabrina’s black turtleneck and asking: “Are you trying to be edgy?”

The show affectionately known as CAOS will return to Netflix on April 5 2019.

It all looks like good, bloody fun: witchy maypole rituals, plenty of smoochin’, and again, did I mention the fire?

However, I have a question about the fire.

Specifically: she can twirl herself into entirely new outfits, turn on the radio with a tap, cast protection spells, and bring people back from the dead… but she needs a match to light a fire?

Come on, guys.

Of course, perhaps there’s a perfectly good explanation. Maybe Sabrina loses her powers and must resort to committing arson the way mortals do.

Or maybe she just likes to do things the old-fashioned way. Kerosene and matches is as wonderfully retro as her signature black headbands.

Either way, it still makes more sense than the last season of Riverdale.

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