Not only is there also a noir episode coming – shot all in black and white and no doubt narrated by an even moodier Jughead – but also a Bizarrodale episode focused on a much hotter, more interesting alternate-universe Core Four: Kevin, Cheryl, Josie and Reggie.
Just hanging out for a Community-style paintball episode now, basically.
The Best Shows You Should Catch Up On, According To How Much Time Off You Still Have Left
Because doing things is overrated.
So you’ve watched all the festive movies, gorged yourself on the cricket and even found yourself accidentally gazing slack-jawed at the Queen’s Christmas message.
So what do you have time to binge in the remaining [insert number of leave days here] before you have to drag your sweaty butt back to the cracker factory?
However many days you have left, here’s a list of shows you can vacuum up into your summer-and-wine-and-leftover-ham-fried brain while you eat zooper doopers in front of an oscillating fan in however much time you have left.
These are calculated (with the help of BingeClock) using a rough 9-5 schedule – seven hours of viewing time, same as you might spend in the office during a normal workday. It also lets you get up and make lunch or do some laundry for an hour or so at some point, and allows you to peel yourself off the couch, shower, and head out to see some friends in the evening.
Of course, it also works for 9pm to 5am if you’re into that, or got a slab of Red Bull from your dodgiest cousin for Christmas.
Something British, obviously.
There are only 13 episodes of Fawlty Towers, and they’re all on Stan.
Surprisingly wonderful romcom series Lovesick (which used to be called Scrotal Recall, which is probably why you haven’t watched it because ugh) is on Netflix, and is a perfect hangover binge: gentle, funny, real, and full of good smoochin’.
But if you’ve watched and rewatched nine seasons of the US version of The Office, perhaps it’s worth taking a look at the original. It doesn’t have the essential sweetness of the NBC remake, but it’s a great reminder of when Ricky Gervais actually wrote good comedy instead of being an edgelord with fake teeth.
It’ll take you seven hours start to finish, and that’s WITHOUT skipping the opening credits.
If you have two days to kill but don’t like shows that star Kristen Bell and feature Adam Scott in a recurring guest role, or vice versa, then I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. Nobody can help you.
If you DO like those things, great! Party Down is a cult classic that about fourteen people watched at the time it aired (about ten years ago), and if you’ve ever worked in hospitality and/or anything that’s Just Your Day Job while you wait to Make It, it’ll resonate. There are 20 episodes on Stan, and it’s perfect.
Alternately, you can catch up on one of the latest shows that everyone’s obsessed with: The Good Place. The surprisingly wholesome, insanely clever afterlife sitcom is on hiatus, with three more episodes due in January to close out its third season, and catching up on Netflix now means you’ll get to watch the very latest ep “Janet(s)”, which is possibly the single best episode of TV from this entire year.
Stranger Things is also a neat two-full-day Netflix binge – but come on, who hasn’t watched it yet?
I mean, you might never want to leave your house again after 17 hours of watching all the creative ways technology can f**k you up, but at least you’ll have more time to catch up on all this great TV.
If you want something a little more uplifting, go with Please Like Me on Netflix – the sweet, aching Australian series that will win over even the wariest of “I just find that Josh Thomas guy kind of annoying” people. It has its bleak moments, but it also has perfect writing, and Hannah Gadsby.
The Handmaid’s Tale, all 23 hours of which is on SBS On Demand, is a perfect way to prepare for 2019’s inevitable misogynist f**kery. However, I cannot in good conscience recommend you watch it for four straight days without breaking it up with some Party Down (see Two days, above) – or without a buddy.
Congrats! You have exactly the right amount to time to catch up on our decade’s increasingly bonkers entry in the hallowed tradition of shows that make you go: wait, these are supposed to be teenagers, right?
If you’ve never quite glommed on to Brooklyn 99, now is actually the perfect time. With the newest season coming back in the US on January 10, you can hop on Netflix and catch up on roughly one season a day between now and then, and still have time to hit the beach a couple of times.
Congrats! You have the perfect amount of time to get caught up on Outlander – the biggest, horniest, bloodiest, most expensivest time travel show going. The first three seasons are on Netflix, and the current season is airing on Foxtel.
If you want to ruin your own life in the best way, get amongst Friday Night Lights on your eight days off. The best news is that season 2 kind of sucks a lot of the time, so you can totally do something else while you slog through that Landry and Tyra plotline towards some more of the best TV ever made – and a young Michael B Jordan.
And if you need something lighter, make sure you’re not sleeping on New Girl, which quietly went from an annoying Zooey Deschanel vehicle to the best hangout sitcom on TV, and finally wrapped up this year. Get amongst it, you bird-shirted puzzle babies.
Are you kidding? I’m not going to enable you any more. Read a damn book. Rest your eyes. There’s a whole new year of Peak TV coming.
Go play outside. Seriously.
With Noir And Alternate-Universe Episodes On The Way, Riverdale Is Basically Just Doing Weird Theme Eps Now, And We're On Board
If you’re still sticking with Riverdale, one of the most deliciously ridiculous shows on TV, then you’re probably down for whatever else they’re going to throw at you.
“One episode we’re doing is an episode called ‘Bizarrodale,’ which … instead of Archie, Betty, Veronica and Jughead being the Core Four, it treats Kevin, Cheryl, Reggie and Josie as the Core Four,” says creator Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa in an interview with The Wrap.
“And it’s a really fun episode. A really fun episode,” Aguirre-Sacasa says. “I’m really excited about that one.”
Your lesbian ginger goth queen awaits.
He also confirmed that there’s a “noir” episode coming up, which will be in black and white.
“The show has always been noir and always trending noir. But we’ve got an episode coming up that is completely noir: how it’s written, how it’s shot, the plot of it. And it’s really fun.”
Expect Juggy’s tortured voiceover to ramp up a few notches for that one. At least we know Cole Sprouse can pull off that vibe, even if he might have to lose the crown beanie.
Aguirre-Sacasa didn’t confirm a full-on crossover with Netflix’s Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina, which supposedly takes place in the same universe – the next town over, in fact.
But he did tease that they’re trying to maybe, sort of, figure out how it might work if they were just like, “oh also witches and Satan and magic are totes real and live down the road from Riverdale BTW”.
And why not? Whether it’s the extremely-still-teenage Core Four heading off for wine-and-sex weekends at an upstate cabin like a group of 30-something couple friends, or the fact that this tiny town can apparently sustain TWO print newspapers, Riverdale has never remotely aimed for realism. Its embrace of the absurd, surreal and nonsensical is a flow you’ve just gotta go with.
Veronica has a speakeasy? Sure! The flashback episode set in the 90s looks like the 80s and also their parents were all in a band and witnessed a murder they’ve never mentioned despite all the other murder? Whatever!
If Sabrina proves anything, it’s that going full-on weirdo is way more fun than just talking about it and trying to fit in.
The biggest danger of those upcoming episodes, though, is that Cheryl, Kevin, Josie and Reggie are queerer, more diverse, snarkier and more self-aware than the original quartet – and might be way more interesting than anything the “real” Core Four have ever done or ever will do.