Bleats

Rihanna’s Releasing A Visual Autobiography That Costs As Much As A Coffee Table

A glorified coffee table brick.

And a home loan.

Rihanna is the best business woman in the biz. She’s talented and intelligent and knows how to craft an inclusive fashion line so good it gives Victoria’s Secret nightmares.

Basically, she’s an entrepreneurial queen.

QUEEN. Source: Giphy

Up until now, Rihanna has done no wrong. But her latest business move has me questioning her smooth run: she’s releasing a visual autobiography.

The 504-page coffee table book will recount her childhood, BTS moments and previously unseen footage of her personal life and career.

“From her Barbados childhood to her worldwide tours, from iconic fashion moments to private time with friends and family,” the offical website reads, “the book showcases intimate photographs of her life as an artist, performer, designer, and entrepreneur.”

RiRi announced the news on Instagram and the schnancy fancy video almost had me convinced that I need this hardcover on my coffee table.

Almost.

Until I looked at the price tag.

The book comes in 5 different editions which increase exponentially in price. The regular copy is a casual $230 and the ‘luxury supreme copy’ (the 4th most expensive in the rage) features RiRi’s signature, a custom tabletop bookstand and an $8,000 price tag.

The price of the ‘ultra luxury supreme copy’ is unknown, but Cardi B bid over $100,000 USD for one of the 10 exisiting copies, which comes with a marble pedestal because, well, just because.

Paying $250 for a coffee table brick is ridiculous – I could buy an entirely new coffee table for that price. And anyone spending upwards of $8,000 for some pages, a bit of writing in Sharpie and a pointless book stand needs to check themselves. You should at least be getting a meet and greet for that price. Hell, you should be getting meet and greets for a lifetime.

I’m all for Rihanna paving a name for herself and earning her millions of dollars, but this venture feels a little excessive to me.

I already have a cinema book, an ancient history book, and a fitness book on my coffee table, I don’t need any more. Sorry not sorry RiRi.

An Investigation Into Why This Mystery Taco Was Left Inside A Library Book

Mr. Taco, in the library, with a taco.

There isn’t much in life that can’t be made better with tacos. 

Girls night? Tacos. 

Netflix and chill? Tacos. 

Sitting in a dark room, crying, pondering your existence and wondering about your purpose on this planet? All of the tacos. 

Exactly. Source: Giphy

But there is one thing that tacos should not be used for, and that’s a bookmark. Eating tacos while reading is a big yes, but using them to mark your spot in a novel is… questionable. 

Alas, I present you the mystery of the taco left inside a library book: 

It’s something straight out of an Agatha Christie novel. 

People Book nerds online are outraged. 

Me? I have a lot of questions. I’m about to Sherlock Holmes the crap outta this soft shelled bad boy. 

Thanks. Source: Giphy

Let’s start with the facts. 

The book was turned to an Indiana library – AKA the state in which Garfield is set. Yes, as in Garfield the cat who likes to sleep and eat. 

Interesting. Source: Giphy

Fact number two: the taco looks to be a white tortilla wrap filled with beef (?), lettuce, and lots of cheese. Translation: a it’s a pretty sub-par taco. So it definitely was not made by a foodie. Or it was made by a foodie with a serious hangover looking for the most basic meal ever. 

Or maybe the taco was store bought. 

Was the taco made or purchased? Inconclusive. 

It ain’t over yet. Source: Giphy

Fact number three: the book, from what I can tell, is some kind of poetry or play. Judging by the structure of the lines in the middle of the page and the short, stacked sentences, it is not a story book. 

Now that we have the facts, here’s what we don’t know: 

– The title of the book. 

– The exact year and date it was borrowed. 

– If the borrower was an adult or child, male/female/other. 

– Why the taco was forgotten. 

– If the book borrower knew that they misplaced their taco. 

Of the above facts, the title of the book is the most irrelevant in my opinion. We have already concluded it is a poetry book of sorts which is the most important information. Only intellects read poetry and women are naturally the more intellectual race (don’t @ me), so the book must have been borrowed by a woman. 

Women above a certain age are generally mothers or working full time jobs, so don’t have time to indulge in poetry. It’s trashy romance novels or nothing. So I will also assume the book borrower was young. Probably college-aged. The presence of the taco also confirms this – college students love a cheap, carby, cheesy meal. I can also vouch for this. 

Hey look, it’s me. Source: Giphy

The aforementioned hangover is probably why the taco was forgotten. That, or a sudden emergency which caused the taco-loving book borrower to quickly and unexpectedly abandon their meal in the pages of an unsuspecting library book. 

The emergency is unknown but, also, irrelevant. 

If you’re still with me, dear reader, if means you care about this mystery. So, finally, here is my conclusion: 

The taco belonged to a hungover college student in Indiana with a pretty flowery name like Rose or Lily. She was a female, probably studying an arts degree or something equally pretentious which explains her desire to read poetry in her spare time. She also probably has a cat called Garfield and, to this day, is wondering what the hell happened to her taco. 

What can I say, some mysteries haunt us forever. 

Rihanna Is Doing With Fenty What The Entire Fashion Industry Should Have Done Years Ago

Take a bow.

Rihanna has just dropped her Fenty fashion line and the world has lots of feelings.

Me? I have just three feelings:

  1. OH MY GOD SO PRETTY.
  2. OH MY GOD SO EXPENSIVE.
  3. OH MY GOD I LOVE RIHANNA.

They’re all pretty self-explanatory but my love for Rihanna, in this case, stems from a lot more than her just being a boss babe. I love her because she’s pushing boundaries. Rihanna is doing with Fenty what the fashion industry should have done years ago: using real photos to sell products to real people.

The promotional photos for her fashion range are a mix of un-retouched images and images which celebrate cultural ethnicity. The photos are deliberate and tell high-end fashion labels like Chanel and Michael Kors that their wafer thin models and white washed campaigns are unwanted and outdated.

Take this photo which pays homage to the work and vision of Kwame Brathwaite:

Kwame is an African American photographer known for documenting life and culture in Harlem.

Rihanna choosing to emulate his work in her own shows a profound respect. It says “I see you” to all people of colour without actually saying anything thing at all.

The main promotional photo used for the Fenty accessories collection also says a lot:

Another user called the photo “perfect because it’s real,” while another explained how the photo personally resonated with her.

The model in the photo, Aweng Chuol, has spoken about her scars before, telling Dazed Digital that though she understands the “curiosity,” she ultimately wants to be known as more than “just a scar.”

“Sometimes I just want to shout at everyone: ‘Look at me, I’m not just a scar, I’m a human.’ But I get it, it’s a curiosity. I know I’m different, I know my facial features are different, but to me that’s beauty.”

And that is exactly what Rihanna has aimed to do with her Fenty campaign, not just for Aweng but for all women of the world.

People, REAL people, don’t want to see a perfect model wearing perfect clothes. They want to see themselves and their culture and their way of life reflected.

We all want to feel included in the world of catwalks and high fashion. Fenty continually achieves this.

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