Having friends who date and who helpfully post their most awe-inspiring messages in private Facebook groups makes for the closest thing to a spectator sport that I, a smugly married parent, can experience.
But the fact that they consistently report stepping out with dudes who are recently separated, or who can’t stop talking about their exes, or who send messages apologising for no-shows but explaining that they saw their ex on Instagram and are now “angry at all women” indicates that someone needs to sit these fellows down and give some real talk about getting into post breakup order before swiping.
And who better than, you know, a smugly married parent?
So, guys (and girls, I assume), here’s a tip on dating based on doing a hell of a lot of it back in the day: if you’re not over your ex, maybe you shouldn’t be getting back out there just yet.
And look, there’s a lot to be said for getting over someone by getting entwined in the limbs of another, but visible anger and seething resentment really isn’t as hot as some chaps seem to think.
There’s a bit of a toxic assumption at work here, that because someone has done these dudes wrong they’re somehow owed someone else to make reparations. And that’s not how relationships work, much less a meet up over a coffee.
And the fact is that we owe this to one another, especially in a dating sense. It is incumbent on us to get into moderately working order before making ourselves someone else’s problem.
If you’re on a dating app or signing up to a service that really should be the absolutely baseline requirement: do not still be a completely horrorshow.
That’s not to say that you have to be totally over the person what broke your heart – hey, we all get bruised by our past loves and some things don’t heal as neatly as others – but it shouldn’t be so much at the forefront of your mind that you’re unable to make casual conversation without mentioning how you used to date a psycho (and that, by the way, is a total red flag and anyone who does that should be left to their own devices asap).
In short: if things are still acute, you have no business making it someone else’s problem until you’re made the necessary changes to get yourself in order post breakup. No matter how entertaining their social posts about what a dick you are might be.
Actually, as a smug married parents, please keep doing it. Goddamn, living vicariously though your terrible behaviour is the only thrill I get on a Friday night.