Matt Agney, the nation’s Bachelor, is down to the final two in a remarkably straightforward representation of the eternal male battle betwixt mind and wang. And, if the rumours are true, we already know which one ultimately wins.
Representing the intellect is Chelsie, the doe-eyed chemical engineer with a heart fulla hurt just looking for a partner who shares her love for science.
And for her Matt – and/or the producers of the show – concocts an elaborate mystery date in which she must unravel a series of numeric clues in order to solve an equation and discover the code to a lockbox which contains a necklace with the chemical representation of oxytocin, the so-called “love molecule”, in a callback to their first meeting on the red carpet.
Representing the wang is Abbie, sultry siren of the property industry. And their date is dry humping at a beach.
So you know. Similar vibe.
So, in short, it’s coming down to a contest between sexual chemistry and literal chemistry, and if the entire history of humankind we’ve learned that sex is bulldozer that levels everything before us, while chemistry is the thing that explodes in your face if you get a single thing wrong.
Goddamn, these metaphors just write themselves!
Oh yeah, Helena also got a date, but that descended rapidly into discussion of why things went to hell on the hometown visit and…
Yeah, her being sent home wasn’t going to be that hard a decision.
And now it’s all awkward because tonight one of the lucky ladies will be sent packing, and Matt and The Winner walk off together into the sunset (again, according to rumours, for a few weeks before splitting and Matt hooking up with the other one).
But who will win: the meeting of the mind, or the grinding of the gennies? Guess we’ll find out shortly!