Does polyamory save relationships, or just give us the chance to have our cake and eat it too?
The concept of open relationships is nothing new, but talking about it more openly certainly is.
With shows like Easy and You Me Her playing a part in normalising conversations about open relationships and polyamory, it’s no surprise that in 2019, many of us have found ourselves either in, or on the periphery of, situations where questions about monogamy, and what we want from our sexual relationships are raised.
Personally, I have never been in an open relationship, but many people around me are either dabbling, or completely immersed in polyamorous set-ups. As I started to question my own understanding of romantic, and sexual relationships, I decided to have a few direct conversations with the people who know far more about this than me.
One of the aspects of polyamory that has always scared me, is the concept of opening oneself up to more than one person, of doubling (tripling or even quadrupling) our own emotional vulnerability, of potentially getting hurt or hurting others.
Some of these risks are expected when we enter into romantic and sexual relationships – but of course, the pros often outweigh the cons, so why would we limit the equation to one person at a time? Traditionally, it’s probably because of societal, and religious norms – but possibly also because of human nature. However, not everyone’s nature is the same and “different strokes for different folks” certainly applies here – pun intended.
One of my close friends is in a long-term relationship with his partner, and they live together. Some nights, he doesn’t come home. His boyfriend hates it, but accepts it.
The sense I get from this is the same I get from many similar relationships, which is that the balance of power has fallen out, and that one side is doing anything they can to keep the other in their life, while the other is out and about doing whatever they please without really thinking of anyone but themselves.
Another friend of mine has been married for seven years to a guy she’s been with since she was 15. Five years into their marriage they decided to start dating other people, but to continue with their marriage. I asked her how she feels about it, she said she likes having the freedom to do whatever she wants, but gets upset when she thinks about her husband with other women. How does that add up?
A different couple I know entered into their relationship with the agreement that it would remain open, and while they are the “primary” significant others in each other’s lives, they continue to seek out additional sexual partners.
This is the only example I’ve seen so far where both sides appear to be genuinely happy. Perhaps this is because no expectations have been redefined or pushed by one side of the relationship, and because they defined what they wanted it to be from the beginning. I’m not saying that it’s impossible to do this later down the line, it’s probably just more complicated.
While I don’t necessarily agree, nor disagree, with polyamory or open relationships, I do believe in mutual respect, and honesty. This often seems to be missing in the scenarios that I have seen. Those who say it’s saving their relationship seem, in most cases, to be prolonging the pain of an inevitable breakup, or to be living in some kind of denial.
A colleague of mine cheats on his girlfriend in secret, and says it makes him more attracted to her when he comes home because the element of risk turns him on. There’s no question that this is on a completely different spectrum, but at some point we all have to look inside ourselves and ask what we want from a relationship.
No matter how we form relationships, and how many people we form them with, there will always be complications, so it’s important to know your boundaries from the get go.
Can an open relationship save a marriage? Probably not, but an open conversation just might.