Malcolm Turnbull – that guy that was the PM what, three months ago? How time flies! – will be on a very special Q&A on Thursday which will provide you, the people of Australia, with the chance to ask him questions like “what happened with the leadership spill?” and “no, really, what happened with the leadership spill?”
And there is a chance that he’ll choose to take the high road and be very circumspect about his removal, not contributing to the febrile atmosphere which is proving so unsettling to the government of Scott Morrison, and provide an hour of boring, uncontroversial television.
Maybe he’ll be feeling generous toward his successor – or, as we call it, “Maltrusistic”.
Or, perhaps, he’ll be feeling like this is his opportunity to set the record straight and come out a-swinging like a man who had his career and legacy destroyed by a bunch of his supposed colleagues – or, as we call them, “Malumni”.
That’s especially possible since polls for the current government are far, far worse than they were when he was dumped and the economic indicators are actually looking pretty solid – something which, if Turnbull was in place, he might be able to translate into a boost in the polls and which Morrison can’t easily take credit for without people going “say, wasn’t some other guy our PM last quarter? What happened with that?”
Will Malcolm splurge on a new leather jacket for the occasion, this possibly final chance to be the Mal Of The People? We can only hope. But here are our tips for Thursday night’s viewing.
1. Stock up on popcorn. No, more than that. You’ll need more. MORE.
2. Remember to take the occasional momentary break to ponder “how will Tony Abbott characterise this tomorrow on 2GB?”
3. Enliven proceedings with the Malcolm Turnbull Drinking Game – or, as we call it, “Malcoholism”.
He’s getting a head start already!
Take a shot when:
…he gives a long technical explanation for something only tangentially connected to the question being asked (what we like to call “Malsplaining”).
…he refers to “the current prime minister” rather than dare utter his name, like Voldemort.
…the rictus smile hangs on his face just a couple of beats longer than seems sincere.
…he starts a sentence with “You just need to understand that…” or “Let me just say this…”
…he talks over Tony Jones at any attempt to wind a rambling answer up.
…the phrase “a kind of madness” gets used.
…he accidentally says “jobs and growth” in an automatic reflex he just can’t eliminate.
…he makes a principled, honourable stand on clean energy, kids on Nauru, or any other matter about which he did the literal opposite while in power.
…the phrase “Lucy and I” is used.
…he visibly stifles a smirk when explaining that he had made clear that he would be leaving parliament if removed as leader.
…he visibly stifles an actual laugh when asked why he didn’t campaign in Wentworth for Dave Sharma.
…any time he explains away his vast wealth with reference to how fortunate he has been.
…He says that he accomplished everything he aspired to whilst in power.
BONUS: take another drink for the awkward silence that follows when Tony Jones asks “And what was it that you accomplished?”
DRAIN THE BOTTLE WHEN:
…Tony Jones takes something as a comment.
…Malcolm bursts into anything by Fatman Scoop.
…Tony Abbott storms the studio with the Warringah militia.
Malcolm Turnbull on Q&A screens live from 8pm EST Thursday on ABC1
Every square’s a winner!