While Our Government Backflips On Haircuts, Jacinda Ardern Continues To Step Up

"You are not alone."

Remember when our government stepped up, and Scott Morrison told us all that some very strict and not at all confusing rules were now in place for things like haircuts and funerals? What a good time 24 hours ago was, huh? There’s been a backflip on those rules already, and so while we try and unscramble the message that we’re being given, it would probably just save us all some time to copy what the New Zealanders are doing instead.

To start with the latest rule update (which will almost certainly change by tomorrow at this rate, but here’s where we’re at), the 30 minute limit on haircuts has now been lifted because of the “receipt of feedback.” My personal theory is that this rule wouldn’t have had to be backflipped on if they’d consulted literally any woman or POC, but that’s a rant for another day.

The rule about only having one person per four square meters is still in place though, so go figure.

As for funerals, State and Territory leaders can provide exemptions, but “only at the margin.” Basically it will be up to State and Territory governments to decide if one or two more people can attend someone’s funeral than the current restriction of ten.

So what’s Jacinda Ardern up to I hear you ask? Check out the text message that was sent to all of New Zealand. 

Clear instructions about what to do during the COVID-19 pandemic? Good grief, I never thought I’d see such a thing. 

She’s also been on the front foot in all sorts of ways. She’s been telling New Zealanders that “you are not alone”, she’s been asking Scott Morrison to help out New Zealanders stuck in Australia, and even gave a special press conference for kids so that they could understand what was happening. 

We’re all going to be stuck inside for a while yet, and there are still a ton of decisions to be made. I say we cut our losses, stop the backflips on haircuts, and just follow what New Zealand do. It’ll probably get us out of this mess faster.

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We Deciphered Scott Morrison’s Rambling Press Conference, Here's What’s Closed

We cracked the code.

Last night, your fearless leader, Scott Morrison, got up and gave a press conference, updating us all on what was happening with the latest coronavirus measures. It… wasn’t that easy to understand. Scott Morrison went around in a few circles, said a lot of things that really didn’t mean much, and even spelled out the word ‘barre’ at one point, because he didn’t know how to pronounce it. Hear about the whole hot mess below:

Let’s be real, it was a pretty rambling press conference, but there was some important information tucked away in there. With all the code-cracking skills I developed while working at an escape room, I’ve deciphered what the hell was going on.

Here’s what’s actually closed.

Beauty salons, nail salons, tattoo shops, and non-medical massages are out.

Real estate auctions and inspections are also gone, not that any of us were going to be able to afford a house anyway.

Sports wise, yoga and pilates studios are finally closing. So are pools and rec centres – both indoor and outdoor. 

Only at home Goat yoga now

Your weekend trip to Dreamworld is canned, because amusement parks are shutting down. So are arcades, libraries, and galleries. 

There have also been some changes to the restrictions in place for the few things left open.

If you head to the shops, food court are take away only, and your hairdresser can only spend a maximum of 30 mins doing your hair. Clearly we need more women and POC in parliament, because Scott Morrison might thing 30mins is enough for a hair appointment, but most of us are going to be walking around with some pretty wild looks.

Boot camps and personal training sessions are limited to ten people, and weddings are limited to the couple, the officiant, and witnesses. Unless you whack your running shoes on under your dress and call it a PT session, then I guess you can have ten people at your wedding.

Other than that, there are also not allowed any more than ten people at a funeral, and you have to stay 1.5 meters away from your grieving relatives. 

These are the sorts of hugs we’ll need to give

Overseas travel is now totally banned. Yep, we’re all trapped here for the foreseeable future. Also schools remain open, much to the confusion of almost everybody and the frustration of a lot of teachers

It’s not quite total lockdown yet, but these are the strictest rules we’ve had in place so far – once you can work out what Scotty from Marketing was actually saying.

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You Get To Be God In This ScoMo World Game Of Thoughts And Prayers

Merry Crisis.

It’s a grim time. I know it, you know it, we all know it. Sometimes when the world seems to be caving in around us, it’s the simple stuff that brings us back from the brink. That was the case in January (which feels like a million years ago) when we all took to playing ScoMo Simulator to cope with the way our government was reacting to the bushfire crisis, and it’s what we’re doing again now. This time, some Aussie legends at ArtDisrupt have created a game called ScoMo World

The format of the game is one you’ve probably seen before: you’ve got to jump over the bad guys and collect things that will give you points. In this case though, you’re a poor, struggling Scott Morrison (complete with Hawaiian shirt and flowers on his head of course) who has to avoid such horrors as coronavirus doctors, Paul from Nelligen, and people on the street with bandannas over their mouths and toilet paper in their arms.

As for what you have to collect? Thoughts and prayers. You can never have enough of those.

It’s also a nice touch that the cursor is a bright red coronavirus germ, and that there appears to be ash falling from the sky. We really do live in the most apocalyptic timeline at the moment.

The guys behind the game are Andy and Matt. They told GOAT about what they were thinking about when they made ScoMo World.

“When you look at things that were happening in Australia this year – it’s pretty surreal and a bit like a parody. Smoke filled skies, Hawaiian holidays, the handshake, the toilet paper etc. We just started putting it all together into one environment, and we actually had trouble keeping up. Things are moving so quickly.”

“It’s a diary of Australia’s challenges and some of the reactions that our leadership offered in response to them. And however silly it is – the irony is that it’s also fairly factual.”

“We would love people to enjoy a distraction from the chaos – by playing a game about the chaos. With what we are all experiencing at the moment – having some fun has never been more important for your health. It’s also an opportunity to offer a light hearted reminder about the importance of taking responsibility for our own actions.”

We’ll come out the other side of this mess soon enough, but until then go and get your game on with ScoMo World.

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