Bleats

This Episode Of 'The Simpsons' Might Back Up A Wild Britney Spears Theory

"I'm so fed up with people telling me to be someone else but me."

Yet another Britney Spears conspiracy theory has surfaced, and it’s only getting darker.

As you may have read, Britney’s fans believe that she is being held against her will and manipulated on the grounds of her conservatorship – meaning she has no control over her own life and what she puts out on the internet.

Hear a full breakdown of everything that’s happened with Britney Spears:

This new theory, however, throws it all the way back to an episode of The Simpsons that was released in 2000. Britney Spears guest starred in episode 238 of The Simpsons titled ‘The Mansion Family’.

The name of the episode is in reference to The Manson Family, which is the cult led by Charles Manson – who are responsible for the murder of Sharon Tate, and famous for their unconventional lifestyle and habitual use of hallucinogenic drugs, namely LSD.

This is where it gets a bit hectic.

The CIA conducted a series of experiments using drugs and hallucinogens on human subjects. According to History Channel, MK Ultra “learned to control and even re-programme people’s minds”. Conspiracy theorists believe that MK Ultra and their mind control was used to influence Charles Manson and his cult ‘family’ of 50. It has been proven that a strand of LSD used by the CIA was also used by The Manson Family.

The MK Ultra conspiracy theory aligns with the Britney Spears conspiracy theory that she was brainwashed as a young girl to embody an ‘ideal child star’, allegedly using the same drug. The drug is said to cause confusion, paranoia and out-of-body episodes.

Conspiracy theorists believe that Britney’s trip to the Hollywood hair salon in 2007 was an example of one of these out-of-body episodes, and that she didn’t know what she was doing in the moment.

Another Britney Spears conspiracy theory that ties all of this together is lyrics to specific songs, especially ‘Overprotected’, released in 2001.

What am I to do with my life? (You will find it out don’t worry)
How am I supposed to know what’s right? (You just got to do it your way)

Theorists also believe that her current social media behaviour is a direct result of malfunctioning mind control. These are all just conspiracy theories, and we can only hope that Britney is actually a-ok and none of this is real.

If this story has affected you in any way, please feel free to contact Lifeline on 13 14 11.

Why You Can Comfortably Ignore Rumours About A ‘New Star Sign’

NASA really thought they did something.

If you’re one of the unlucky few who got a tattoo of your revised star-sign after NASA claimed in 2016 that they ‘discovered the existence of a 13th star sign’ and shuffled the dates around to suit – or booked a tattoo removal because your old star sign tattoo was null and void with the new dates – I am personally so sorry to you. Hear all the details below:

Just as a refresher for people who teeter on the fence of this Astrology game – in the tropical zodiac, we recognise 12 star signs: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius and Pisces. These are the ones that you would’ve seen in memes on IG and horoscopes in magazines.

This was until 2016 when NASA – the same people who might’ve fak*d the moon l*nding – shared that we should recognise a 13th star sign, a ‘new’ star sign, Ophiuchus because it exists as a constellation in the ecliptic.

The ecliptic basically starts with a hypothetical line from the earth and points to the sun and out into space – and then as the earth orbits the sun, the hypothetical lines moves through space and touches the different constellations as it goes past.

Throwing it all the way back to 5th century BCE, Babylonian texts described the positions of the Sun, Moon and the planets as 12 equally-spaced signs, with each one assigned to a zodiacal constellation.

The Babylonians were aware of Ophiuchus way back when, but the reason we recognise 12 signs in the tropical zodiac is not because of the amount of constellations, but based on the phases of the moon.

There are 88 constellations in this ecliptic, and if the Babylonians were to include all the constellations, it’d be a pretty big nightmare for tattooists around the world.

Basically, you’re fine. Your star sign is your star sign and NASA should lowkey just butt out – this is Astrology not Astronomy, babes.

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This Meme Will Have You Wondering If The Person Beside You Is Made Of Cake

Cut me off a piece of that.

Needless to say that 2020 has been a pretty bumpy ride thus far – our world is quite literally in shambles and we’re on the internet more than ever, so it’s no wonder we’ve manifested celebrating talented pâtissiers for their hyper-realistic creations into an existential internet trend where we’ve convinced ourselves that everything and everyone is cake.

ICYMI, Red Rose Cake and Tuba Geçkìl on Instagram makes these hectic hyper-realistic sweets and went viral for their Red Croc cake cutting video that was reposted in a compilation.

There are some absolutely incredible hyper-realistic edible sculptures doing the rounds some shaped like toilet roll, raw chicken thighs, entire pickles, bananas and even people.

After seeing that, indeed, anything can be cake, internet users were greeted with the possibility that… we could also be cake.

Of course, this spun everyone into an existential crisis, because what else is there to do in a global pandemic? We’ve got the time to overthink everything and hell yeah, we’re gonna use it counterproductively!

Fortunately for these talented pâtissiers, their creations have been put in front of many more eyes because we’re quite literally just glued to our phones and manifesting quite literally any good news to grace our timelines in this majorly bleak time of our existence.

If that means cake videos, on loop until this whole thing is over and we can find normalcy somewhere else, then so be it. We can be cake… or maybe we’ve been cake all along and we’re only just now realising it.

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