Bleats

An Extremely Scientific Investigation Into Whether Ariana Grande Is Exaggerating About Pete Davidson's Junk Being Ridiculously Yuge

THE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW.

Flip the sign over from A LITTLE CONCERNED THEY’RE MOVING TOO FAST to YOU DO YOU, KIDS, AND WE’RE GLAD YOU’RE SO HAPPY, because the latest update from the Davidson-Grandes is that Pete is packing.

[Update from an older, wiser 2019: Yes, it all went south and we flipped the sign back over to CALLED IT – but they’re both still talking about Pete’s supersized dong, and the science below is sound.]

Ariana spends loads of time answering fan tweets, and devoted a few hours over the last 24 to getting amongst it, as her new single with Nicki Minaj ‘The Light Is Coming’ dropped today. Snippets from other songs have appeared on Grande’s Instagram story over the past weeks, including one last Sunday which she said is called ‘Pete’.

One fan asked Grande “How long is Pete?”

And in a now-deleted but immortal reply, she replied, “Like 10 inches?”

Which could be dismissed as a joke, except for the fact that a paparazzi shot of the couple a few days ago showed Davidson’s shorts creasing in a most intriguing way.

We’re not going to republish the pics ourselves because the paps are gross and we’re a family pop culture news site – but we’re just going to leave this link here, OK?

*Fans self*

Look, that’s just one photo, and it could just be something in his pocket. But it doesn’t completely debunk the 10-Inch Hypothesis.

There’s also this Instagram post, helpfully screenshotted:

Computer, enhance:

RELIABLE SOURCES.

Let’s check in with the dick scientists.

According to Kinsey Institute research cited in God’s Doodle: The Life and Times of the Penis by Tom Hickman – which is a real book I’m going to buy just to read openly on public transport – ten-inch (erect) penises are relatively rare. Between 10 and 30 men in 1000 can hit the double digits on the tape measure at full sail.

But the penises of homo sapiens’ hominoid ancestors were, on average, “vanishingly small” – and over millennia, the human male evolved to boast the biggest average penis size, by far, of any of the 192 primate species.

So if you think about it, younger men are statistically, evolutionarily more likely to have a very slightly bigger baguette tucked away in the picnic basket.

I’m no evolutionary scientist or statistician, but this would seem to suggest that Davidson, at 23, fits any reasonable person’s definition of “young”, and thus may be more likely than someone who is, say, less young, to be in what we could call the Lexington Steele range.

So there you have it. I’m sure they’re very happy together for reasons unrelated to anybody’s anatomy [sobs in 2019] but if your sweet, smart, successful, funny new boyfriend also has a bigger penis than 99% of the penis-having population, that’s not exactly a drawback.

Meanwhile, I’m off to lower my Bumble age range a year or two.

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