You’re in Perth and you happen to have tickets to the AFL grand final between the West Coast Eagles and Collingwood in Melbourne this weekend. However, you’re unable to get a flight to Melbourne because they’re either all sold out or way too expensive (as in a totally unforeseeable move, prices suddenly jacked all the way up on the eve of the AFL grand final).
So what do you do in that scenario?
Two words: road trip!
Road tripping is a fun endeavour on paper, but if you don’t prepare properly, it can become the most difficult thing you’ve ever done. And this is where I come in.
I consider myself something of a road trip veteran. Okay, so I may have never been in Perth before. Or driven any more than six hours in one sitting. Or know anything about cars. However, I’ve seen enough movies and TV shows to know how to avoid all the classic road trip pitfalls and I have no doubt that were I to go on a road trip from. And besides, how hard could it possibly be?
So without further ado, here is my completely, 100% serious guide to road tripping from Perth to Melbourne so you can support the West Coast Eagles in the AFL grand final. Because petrol is pricey, but a Pies premiership is unthinkable.
Prepare your will
Look, there’s a possibility that you may die out there. I’ve seen enough of Wolf Creek to know what happens in the Australia outback so you might as well be safe rather than sorry (and dead).
Get yourself a car (and a dog)
The most important part of a road trip is of course the car! I mean, the thought of embarking on such an endeavour without one is preposterous. But don’t blow the budget on your chariot. All you need is something reliable, sturdy, comfortable, has decent mileage on it, is in good condition, and for it to not cost above $2,000.
And seeing as how you’re going to be in a car for a few days (I presume it’s something like that long – I can’t emphasise how little research I’ve done here), might as well stretch that budget and bring a dog. Mad Max and Will Smith in I Am Legend did it so why not.
Stock up on supplies. And a heap of music (or podcasts)
You’re going to be stuck in a car for hours upon hours so load up on food, snacks, water, and a flare gun. Make sure you have a healthy serving of protein and greens with your snacks; just because you’re on a road trip doesn’t mean you can ignore the benefits of clean eating.
Mmmmm, fibrous.
Oh, and bring a knife or a blunt object that will hurt if you hit someone with it. You’ll understand soon enough.
And make sure you bring a LOT of music and/or podcasts. I get bored driving 30 minutes to visit my parents so I can’t even imagine what the 324 (ish?) hours in a car from Perth to Melbourne would be like. I recommend Serial, WTF With Marc Maron, or The Betoota Advocate so you can connect with the locals of whichever charming outback outposts you’re passing through.
Know your route
If you don’t plan ahead then you’ll end up lost in the middle of the Aussie outback and that almost always never ends well. Did I mention that I’ve watched Wolf Creek?
So before you take off, map out your route, plan your stops accordingly, and don’t ever sleep out under the stars at night. That’s when the serial killers and dingos come out to feast.
Brush up on your car knowledge
Look, $2,000 will get you a pretty good car but chances are that it will run into a problem or three, especially if those cheap car challenges from Top Gear are anything to go by.
Give yourself a crash course on how to be an ace car mechanic before you set off so you can mend anything that comes loose with just a hammer and some elbow grease. (There is 100% time to learn this from YouTube before you set off tomorrow.)
Limber up your thumb. Actually, limber up everything.
Let’s face it, you know nothing about cars and you definitely didn’t take that crash course on how to be an ace mechanic. That means you’ll have to hitchhike when your car inevitably breaks down. Since you’re going to be stuck on the side of the road for a while, use that time to warm up your thumb so you don’t injure yourself trying to hail down a car.
Also be sure to limber up your whole damn self because if your potential ride turns out to be a murderer, you want to be all warmed up and ready to run. If you can’t run fast enough, that’s where the knife or blunt object I mentioned earlier comes in. If you can’t flee, might as well fight.
You know what? Just forget about road tripping altogether
And after that entire odyssey of road trip tips, I’ve come to the realisation that you’re better off swallowing the costs and just booking a flight. It’s much safer and far less of a hassle.
Or you can just get an Uber from Perth to Melbourne. It only costs about $5,000 and the drivers almost certainly aren’t going to risk lowering their 5-star rating by murdering you.