Bleats

Pauline Hanson Wants Australia To Become A Nation Of Cane Toad Bounty Hunters, For It Is Our Destiny

Finally, Australia can return to prosperity riding on the toad's back! You know, near the poison sacs!

It’s been a while since Pauline Hanson felt the need to make a public statement on what she does and does not believe should get to live in Australia, but barely more than a week into the new year she’s finally broken that welcome silence.

Now she would like to turn our nation’s children and unemployed into bounty hunters. And they will be hunting the deadliest game of all: the wily cane toad.

Leak from the strategy meeting.

Cane toads are an invasive species who have done little good for our environment after being introduced to eat pests in sugar cane by people who, like Hanson, didn’t think their plans through before enthusiastically implementing them.

Citing previous bounties which Australian governments put on things like rabbits and foxes and thylacines, she’s now suggesting that the nation needs to look to the past as a lesson for the future. Frog The Bounty Hunter, anyone? Anyone? Alright, fine.

“A 10 cent reward for the collection of each cane toad… would encourage most Australians living with the pest to take an active role in reducing their numbers until a biological measure is developed,” she reportedly wrote in a letter to the Prime Minister.

Queensland jobseekers at work.

The plan will also supposedly get kids off “their iPads” as they ditch the sterile emptiness of electronic communication for the visceral thrill of amphibian murder.

There are a few problems with the plan, though. One is that 10 cents a toad head means even the most assiduous Bufo Fett will struggle to make more than a couple of dollars an hour, which is a decent amount below any sort of living wage.

There’s also the fairly important fact that it won’t work.

Plans to secretly infiltrate the toad community also yielded mixed results.

This idea is not new and has been looked into in the past, and the stumbling point is that cane toads spawn more quickly and voluminously than even the notoriously swift-breeding bunny. Some sort of water-sifting tadpole squisher would be more useful if de-toadification was the ultimate aim.

And then there’s the question of how such a scheme would be carried out, who would receive and tally the toads, and also what the actual hell the government would be expected to do after buying thousands upon thousands of dead toads every day.

Also, that the only way to get today’s kids involved would be to market it as Fortnite IRL: Toad Mode.

Allowing them access to our tech was the first mistake…

And just as an aside, isn’t it weird seeing one of the nation’s most consistent climate change deniers developing a keen interest in protecting the environment all of a sudden?

Even so, expect to see “I believe that Australia is in danger of being swamped by cane toads” cited in her pre-election material.

Canada Is Trying To Upstage Our Large Cow And So Clearly Things Are About To Kick Off

Let's face it: we all assumed that the eventual end of the Commonwealth would be over who has the larger cow.

Over the last 48 hours Australia has been rejoicing in the magic that is Knickers, Large Cow Of Our Dreams.

Our bovine idol has reinvigorated our flagging national pride at a time when everything from federal politics to international cricket has brought disappointment and shame upon us. Knickers has taught us to hope again and truly this nation is now riding on the large cow’s back to a bright and brave future.

And now Canada is trying to ruin everything.

Them’s fighting cows, Canada.

And sure, Dozer might allegedly be a Canadian inch taller than Knickers, but does he share Knickers’ quiet dignity? His memeworthy coterie of smaller cows? What of the fairness of his dinkum?

These are questions upon which we must focus, to the exclusion of everything else.

And look, we’re not technically saying that now is the time to declare war on Canada over who has the superior giant cow, but we’re not not saying that either.

Although let’s also sincerely hope that 2018 slides to a close with all other news being replaced with rolling coverage of giant cows. Frankly, we’re earned it.

Climate Change Robbed Us Of Our Chance To All Ride Unicorns - Or More Accurately Furry Rhinoceroses, Which Is Even Better

Let's be honest: who among us has not dreamed of galloping across the tundra astride a giant rhino?

Climate change is not new – although the current rate is unprecedented, as is the fact that we know what’s happening and how to mitigate it and yet aren’t doing so – which is why 36,000 years ago we stopped proudly striding through Siberia next to mighty wooly rhinos the size of mammoths.

We know this because of new research by an international team of researchers including teams in Adelaide and Sydney.

Their top-flight sciencing overturned the conventional wisdom that the mighty Elasmotherium sibiricum died out 200,000 years ago for unclear reasons and replaced it with the new due date – by which stage modern humans and Neanderthals were hanging around the region – and the discovery that it was changes to the vast Siberian grasslands from a gradually cooling and drying Earth that finally knocked them out.

They also discovered that the Siberian rhino was genetically very distinct from other wooly rhino species, as well as the smaller and wool-free Sumatran and African rhinos which we still thankfully have among us today, albeit in dangerously small numbers.

Many of the reports of this research have been variations on “we used to live alongside unicorns!” because the ice age rhino was called the “Siberian Unicorn” courtesy of its giant single horn. And that’s both misleading and silly, but also buries the lede. They were GIANT WOOLY RHINOS! How is that not enough for anyone? GIANT. WOOLY. RHINOS.

Also, it’s nice to discover that at least one of the megafauna extinctions wasn’t because of humans.

Sorry, diprotodons.

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